Story CTB because of job loss, poverty, rejection?

[protector_iorek]

Hello everyone, I'm new here, I'm not sure if I should introduce myself in any way. I hope this post is okay..

I have dealt with suicidal ideation and attempts all my life, being hospitalized twice for it in the past. Luckily I've managed to stay out of the hospital the last 10 years or so.

But these days I find myself wishing I had succeeded before or made a more serious attempt. Because nothing has changed in the 10 years since my last attempt. If anything it's gotten worse because bad things have happened and I've become older as an adult and still have nothing to show for it.

I want to CTB for the following reasons, and I guess I'm wondering if anyone else feels this way:

1. Jobs. I keep failing or fucking up in my jobs, or my jobs treat me terribly and I find myself unable to handle it. I don't know if it's me and my mental illness unable to handle the workforce, or the current state of the workforce treating people like me terribly. I just don't know but I'm tired. I can't find a field I enjoy that fits with me. Nothing is working professionally, despite my high education.
2. I was fired 2 years ago and signed an NDA. I wish I had never done this and there's nothing I can do now. At the time I was facing eviction and about to be broke as a result of my firing (I was barely making ends meet as it was). I was suicidal and highly fearful, as being fired has been one of my biggest fears in life. I was so dysregulated with no access to a lawyer to help me, and needing the severance, I just signed it. This has made me feel like a fool and I hate myself.
3. Poverty. No matter what I do I am stuck in part time job hell and poverty. I have never been offered a job more than $50k a year. Which is simply not enough to survive on as a single woman in a HCOL area. I am tired of scraping by. I am tired of lowball offers. I am tired of feeling worthless. I am tired of rent and bills.
4. Brokenness. I am fundamentally broken and always have been because of childhood abuse which led to further abuse in my adulthood. This is probably why I can't function in the workplace or make any money for myself. I wish I could restart life with a clean slate.
5. My painful memories haunting me. Everytime I think about this NDA, being fired or trying to envision a future of employment which I can see myself living in, I feel utterly hopeless, useless, like a waste of space, and crushed. I can't handle these memories, these bad decisions, these things I can't take back.
6. No one loves me and I love no one. I've been alone now for so many years I can't even count them. No one loves me and I love no one. I believe people live for either professional success or money, or for their loved ones (family or partner), but I have neither of those. So why the fuck am I here? I am a waste.

I cannot describe the utter hopelessness I feel. The only things to stay alive for are material items, which I need money for that I don't have. And it's not enough.. video games and books and art aren't enough to keep me going… without money and without love what is the point of life?

I have been thinking more seriously about methods and I want to make a plan.. but I don't even know how. How did you choose the timing of your plan? There is nothing in my life to plan around, nothing I am looking forward to or care about, no one to consider. How do you make a plan when there is nothing to plan? How do I choose a date? Idk. I want to CTB but I don't know how to start or get past my fear. I hate that I'm afraid because I don't view that as a good reason not to do it, it's just a barrier.
wish I had a friend to do it with or something.. but I have so many problems relating to people and being understood by others. I'd probably just be hated or feel even more isolated in my suicide by exposing another person to me.

Any help or mutual feelings is appreciated.

 

[tired0zymandias]

basically my problems is similar with you. I'll leave a message in pm if you need a friend to talk :)

 

[protector_iorek]

basically my problems is similar with you. I'll leave a message in pm if you need a friend to talk :)

Thank you, that would be nice. I know some people can't talk about their job stuff publicly either. I feel so alone and stupid and isolated and used and manipulated by life, by this whole fucking system. I can't stand it anymore.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum! Any of your personal reasons are valid reasons to consider CTB. The decision is up 2 you in the end nobody else can help you deciding whether you want to go through it or not.

For me personally "financial problems in general" are a very valid reason to consider CTB at any time. It's about your personal life quality and your personal expectations.

I hope you can find peace whichever way you decide to go.

 

[tired0zymandias]

Thank you, that would be nice. I know some people can't talk about their job stuff publicly either. I feel so alone and stupid and isolated and used and manipulated by life, by this whole fucking system. I can't stand it anymore.

Idk why I can't PM you. Just PM me if you can

 

[protector_iorek]

Idk why I can't PM you. Just PM me if you can

It's probably because I am new so I know I'm a little limited right now on what I can do.

 

[tired0zymandias]

It's probably because I am new so I know I'm a little limited right now on what I can do.

Well might be :) so I have similar things like you. No jobs getting fired 3times this year. No money or income again. So many debts. And the one that I love is no longer mine.

I feel your pain, and I know you must be think there's no other reason to stay. Well this forum is so great so you might be enlightened. I hope you find what you need here. And we all here for you.

You're not alone :)