Venting ctb anniversary

[owano]

A few years ago during thanksgiving break I tried to CTB via OD. Of course, as you can see, that failed. It's always a little surreal this time of year because time just goes… it's another year of this bullshit where nothing really matters, and to be honest, I'm jealous of my past self that was able to do it. It still failed, but considering how sick I got (literally bed ridden for a week bc I'd vomit every time I moved, the tinnitus and distorted hearing that stayed for weeks, the initial heaviness feeling I had - sort of like walking out of water - the day after the attempt) it was pretty solid. It's just so frustrating because I feel like I'll never get a solid attempt again. The SI always fucks shit up for me. I also don't think I'd be able to swallow enough pills again if I tried to give ODing another go, which sucks because it's a method that doesn't trigger my SI as bad as other, especially more gruesome, methods. I wish ODing was more reliable… everything is just so frustrating.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so horrible how it's so unnecessarily difficult to die on our own terms, I hate how existence doesn't come with an permanent offswitch so we can just easily die when we want to. But anyway best wishes, it's certainly understandable feeling frustrated.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you are reminded of your failed attempt. It's so awful. ODing is reliable but you need to right meds and drugs that most likely lead to a successful CTB. They may be hard to get unfortunately. I wish you all the best I hope you find peace.

 

[daze]

I'm sorry, that must be difficult i understand how you feel. Felt the same way whenever my ctb date passed. It's weird how we have to move on with our lives even after we tried to leave. I wish SI wasn't a thing.

 

[Photographer Fizzle]

I've crushed my pills. I always thought swallowing to take too much effort. Effort ==likely to botch/abort, in my mind

 

[owano]

I've crushed my pills. I always thought swallowing to take too much effort. Effort ==likely to botch/abort, in my mind

Yeah that was my original plan when I had ctb but out of impulse I opted for the ones I didnt crush instead

 

[hi-okbye]

same thing actually happened to me. a few days ago was my 1 year anniversary since i first seriously attempted ctb. i took a bunch of pills but then chickened out, telling someone. i went to the hospital where they treated me for a few days. then i spent thanksgiving in the psych ward. i understand how rough it can be on these days and i hope you find some peace <3

 

[MrBrownUpsideD]

I feel you on being envious of your past self's resolve to end it all. It's like being on the brink of death makes you drop your guard, releasing all tension in your body. But it's that tension that allowed you to make a change in your life, even if it's just CTB. Now I'm not miserable enough to make impulsive decisions and overcome SI, but I'm not motivated to try and make the most out of life either. Just existing.

Guess I shouldn't complain. Plenty of people have it a lot worse than me.

 

[owano]

tha

same thing actually happened to me. a few days ago was my 1 year anniversary since i first seriously attempted ctb. i took a bunch of pills but then chickened out, telling someone. i went to the hospital where they treated me for a few days. then i spent thanksgiving in the psych ward. i understand how rough it can be on these days and i hope you find some peace <3

Thank you I hope you can find peace too!!