Venting Crying when you think about CTBing?

[FatalSystemError591]

I've had a hard night, remembering all the reasons why I have a bus ticket in my hand and ready to be redeemed at any time, and I think about saying goodbye, writing letters, doing the last things I want to do.. why do I keep crying? Even just the mention of thinking "hey, when I go.. don't speak of the name I was born with, call me _____ and use these pronouns for me so that when I go, you'll do me one last honor." And stuff like that and I just... start crying. I don't know why the tears fall. Or writing the last notes and letters, and saying my peace that I won't be able to say once I board... or how I never thought I would make it to be how old I am now, and how I wanted to CTB as young as somewhere between 6-10... A lot of stuff has just been falling apart on me and I wish I had a proper place to talk about everything, but God it would take too long and say too many personal details.

I'm in therapy, I have medication... it doesn't dull the pain of how my life has been and the person that I am. I just want it all to be over but my insanely curious mind can't get over the fact that when I think of preparing for the trip, I just break down. Does anyone else feel this way? Is there a reason for it?

 

[Ghost2211]

Perhaps even if we have 100 reasons to go we can still feel really sad it came to this.

 

[allym101]

When it comes down to it, no one truly wants to die. It's human nature to want to live and keep surviving, but for us, we've surpassed our own survival instinct. I think deep down we all wish our life could've had a better outcome.

 

[LastFlowers]

It is because you are literally grieving yourself and the life you could have had if your circumstances were different. It is something that most people will never have to go through, and it is a very difficult and painful lead up to ending one's life, or in some cases, deciding not to.

 

[deathbyginger]

Prior to my first attempt, I was countered by emotions of excitement and sadness. I was excited by the idea my pain could be gone. Nevertheless, I was exhaustedly sad that my life could actually be coming to an end. My goodbye notes actually were soaked in tears.

We can all share how you're feeling. That makes us better to be here for you during these times :)

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I do cry when I think about the end, because I wish it could've been a different end. I cry because some of the the saddest memories of my life were seeing my mother cry, and I know it will be the most painful experience of her life.

But then I cry when I think about my life as well. Every path ends in sadness for me.

 

[yetme]

I've had a hard night, remembering all the reasons why I have a bus ticket in my hand and ready to be redeemed at any time, and I think about saying goodbye, writing

I'm in therapy, I have medication... it doesn't dull the pain of how my life has been and the person that I am. I just want it all to be over but my insanely curious mind can't get over the fact that when I think of preparing for the trip, I just break down. Does anyone else feel this way? Is there a reason for it?

talk to us, man. we are the only people left. fuck therapy!

 

[Rn110bg101]

I can relate. There are many, so many reasons why I'm doing this, and I know there's no other way, but I can't help but think about and remember the life I could have had if I'd been stronger from the start... That's why I keep wishing for an afterlife, even if I know it can't come true.

 

[Meditation guide]

I cry when I think about waking up tomorrow.

 

[Nimbus]

I cry too. I know it will be hard on my loved ones and I hate to cause them that kind of pain. Illogically, I feel like I'll miss my animals. I think that makes me cry more.

 

[Friend_A]

i understand. i cried a lot while writing my letters and thinking about all the people who had a great influence in my life. deep inside i mourn the life i could have if things had turned out differently. you are not alone in feeling this way. i am sorry for your pain

 

[greebo6]

I have occasionally shed a tear about it but I know its the only way. But dreading every new day is even more upsetting.