crying tolerance

[Captain laser]

back when i was in highschool if i felt suicidal (basically everyday lmao) i would play some sad music and cry, nowadays i try this and i just cant do it, it makes me feel sad but i dont i dont get the release of crying anymore, is this how you start SH???

 

[dreaming]

in my case it may be part of why I started sh-ing again recently but idk if that's direct the cause or not, all I know for sure is I felt like doing it again and then I did.
crying gives me such a mixed feeling now because it means I'm expressing emotion which is rare for me lately, I'm so numb most of the time, so I feel a weird combination of misery and relief at the same time whenever I'm brought to tears.