Venting cry for help ?

[saucerfulofsecrets]

Hello. I'm not very sure how to start this.

For context, I was diagnosed with BPD earlier this year. I've essentially got one foot in the grave, and when I'm asked how goes it, it's "Ohh, I'm good!" There is not a second where I have peace of mind. Every thought in my head is mental agony. Every emotion I feel reverberates through my body two-fold and completely ruins me. My emotions change every ten or so minutes, I'm being kicked while already dead. There is a neurological pain that is inside my head always. Two bites of food fills up my stomach, I am losing weight when I shouldn't be.

Just over a day ago, I experienced something new and really frightening. I've never heard such a persuasive and compelling tone in my life. I heard an internal voice that wasn't mine, and I knew it wasn't mine. It told me to kill myself.

This morning, my Mom came to me, tears in her eyes, "Why don't you like me?" She wants to talk about it and me when she gets home later. I snapped at her, then proceeded to have a full frontal mental breakdown when I'd had the house to myself. It still resolves and resumes every five minutes, as this was a little over an hour ago. I'm dreading the idea of telling my parents I want to gravely hurt myself (again). As I type this, I look back at the beginning of this thread and it seems as if to me a different person wrote it.

I do not know what I look like. I do not know who I am. I think I need help.

 

[huftydumdum]

as someone w/ "borderline tendencies", just know you aren't alone, i feel like i'm constantly shifting and i'm never truly 'me',. if you want to and are capable of it, you should seek help if you choose to

just know you're welcomed here

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Obviously you are seeking help in our current stage. I don't know your age but probably you're still "young" as you talk about your mum coming to you. Seeking help is always preferable to ctb because ctb is a one time only and last and final decision. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you parents may understand your needs and problems and desires. You can alway vent here if you wish. I hope you can find peace!

 

[huftydumdum]

Obviously you are seeking help in our current stage. I don't know your age but probably you're still "young" as you talk about your mum coming to you. Seeking help is always preferable to ctb because ctb is a one time only and last and final decision. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you parents may understand your needs and problems and desires. You can alway vent here if you wish. I hope you can find peace!

seconded, ctb is a last resort option so do exhaust everything else

 

[saucerfulofsecrets]

Obviously you are seeking help in our current stage. I don't know your age but probably you're still "young" as you talk about your mum coming to you. Seeking help is always preferable to ctb because ctb is a one time only and last and final decision. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you parents may understand your needs and problems and desires. You can alway vent here if you wish. I hope you can find peace!

Yes, I'm saddeningly young (going into my sophomore year of college) to be experiencing what I have been. But I've since spoken to her, and things are going a lot better. Perhaps the ONE good thing about BPD is that I can at least temporarily (and record-breakingly quickly) bounce back from the deepest of mental tantrums. I am going to seek out counseling, inpatient is far too expensive and I have things to do haha

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Yes, I'm saddeningly young (going into my sophomore year of college) to be experiencing what I have been. But I've since spoken to her, and things are going a lot better. Perhaps the ONE good thing about BPD is that I can at least temporarily (and record-breakingly quickly) bounce back from the deepest of mental tantrums. I am going to seek out counseling, inpatient is far too expensive and I have things to do haha

My personal opinion regarding therapy/meds and the like is the earlier "mental problems" are detected and especially when the source and reasons are known which are triggering them,, then there is a higher chance to find a way to cope or to cure them than when too much time passes. I wish you all the best!

 

[SVEN]

As others have suggested, ctb is always an option to which you can return. For now though, whilst you're so up and down, why not give trying to get some support a go and see how that works out for you.
perhaps the Recovery section of this group could help. Whatever you decide you know you are welcome here, anytime.