bloopbloop
gone for a while
- Aug 14, 2023
- 22
friendships that i cherish have been slipping away from me. my current friendships are only online but i still cherish it like an irl one, also because we've been together for a long time even before i became like this.
upon hearing the news one friend proceeded to guilt trip me and make himself the victim because i committed the horrible sin of being suicidal, he blocked me on everything when i tried to reach out and try to talk to him cause i insisted that i just wanted to spend more time with him before i cbt because he's my best friend, I still love him because i have lots of good childhood memories with him and the others and i can't just let him throw away 6 years of friendship like that. I still talk to the other 2 but the problem is i never feel like myself when i talk to them, like i always have to conceal my true feelings and bottle everything up because i don't want them to hear the terrible things i wanna say. sometimes i find myself asking them how they feel about me being in this state because it felt like my presence was making them uncomfortable despite me not saying anything about me being suicidal. just the knowledge of it. (i've made it clear before that i will eventually cbt) and one of them says "I'm just ignoring it but i hope you don't do it" and the other gives me half assed answers like she's clearly uncomfortable and doesn't care enough. she's told me before that she's the type to shelter herself from bad things as to not feel bad, does that include me too? I understand their reactions but whats so painful about it all is that it feels like they expect me to always be there and entertain them or make them laugh as if i'm not currently eating myself from the inside. It's like my presence is awkward and doesn't matter/should be ignored if i happen to feel bad. It's sort of like a "wow you're very wounded, can you put this paper bag over your head so i don't have to look at you? it makes me sad" type of situation? It's funny because pity makes me feel disgusting so i'm not sure of what i want at this point. I want them to understand that i'm not 13 anymore and i'm not the funny guy/happy 24/7 anymore because so much negative change was forced on me as i grew up. I don't get to have anything i want like them. I don't have normal people problems like them. I wish i didn't feel like this and that i could go back to playing video games and talking with them, blissfully oblivious of everything with barely any problems like i did before. I'm planning to write a heart felt goodbye note directed to them and even all the friends in our group that i don't talk to anymore when i finally do it, it pains me to do that to them but i want them to not be like me and live long happy lives. I'll be writing that for sure. overall i don't consider them as bad friends because i don't think they're doing this on purpose and just suck at these types of situations, especially cause we're all pretty young still. I still feel like a child. i mean i understand it, people are just like that aren't they? why would somebody who's living their best life busy themselves with somebody like me who doesn't even wanna get better and make themselves feel bad in the process as if they're my therapist? it still really hurts tho lol
(i hope this mess is readable i intended for it to be atleast 50 words long oops)
upon hearing the news one friend proceeded to guilt trip me and make himself the victim because i committed the horrible sin of being suicidal, he blocked me on everything when i tried to reach out and try to talk to him cause i insisted that i just wanted to spend more time with him before i cbt because he's my best friend, I still love him because i have lots of good childhood memories with him and the others and i can't just let him throw away 6 years of friendship like that. I still talk to the other 2 but the problem is i never feel like myself when i talk to them, like i always have to conceal my true feelings and bottle everything up because i don't want them to hear the terrible things i wanna say. sometimes i find myself asking them how they feel about me being in this state because it felt like my presence was making them uncomfortable despite me not saying anything about me being suicidal. just the knowledge of it. (i've made it clear before that i will eventually cbt) and one of them says "I'm just ignoring it but i hope you don't do it" and the other gives me half assed answers like she's clearly uncomfortable and doesn't care enough. she's told me before that she's the type to shelter herself from bad things as to not feel bad, does that include me too? I understand their reactions but whats so painful about it all is that it feels like they expect me to always be there and entertain them or make them laugh as if i'm not currently eating myself from the inside. It's like my presence is awkward and doesn't matter/should be ignored if i happen to feel bad. It's sort of like a "wow you're very wounded, can you put this paper bag over your head so i don't have to look at you? it makes me sad" type of situation? It's funny because pity makes me feel disgusting so i'm not sure of what i want at this point. I want them to understand that i'm not 13 anymore and i'm not the funny guy/happy 24/7 anymore because so much negative change was forced on me as i grew up. I don't get to have anything i want like them. I don't have normal people problems like them. I wish i didn't feel like this and that i could go back to playing video games and talking with them, blissfully oblivious of everything with barely any problems like i did before. I'm planning to write a heart felt goodbye note directed to them and even all the friends in our group that i don't talk to anymore when i finally do it, it pains me to do that to them but i want them to not be like me and live long happy lives. I'll be writing that for sure. overall i don't consider them as bad friends because i don't think they're doing this on purpose and just suck at these types of situations, especially cause we're all pretty young still. I still feel like a child. i mean i understand it, people are just like that aren't they? why would somebody who's living their best life busy themselves with somebody like me who doesn't even wanna get better and make themselves feel bad in the process as if they're my therapist? it still really hurts tho lol
(i hope this mess is readable i intended for it to be atleast 50 words long oops)
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