GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
I have always been so strong all my life. I have been through incredibly difficult things, some horrific, and seriously hurt and weakened, but never completely broken. I recognize some of this resilience is due to privilege, for example, my parents were abusive yet also provided some powerful and necessary stability. I have been a middle class white child, adolescent, and woman. I have had advantages. I was only beaten down in certain ways. I had an amazing education. I had less of a pit to try to climb out of than many in my own country, let alone in the world. I once was more like an entitled and clueless Karen (though not nearly as privileged), and as part of my healing, I climbed out of that, too, because I preferred awareness and genuine power, not entitlement and the illusions it was attached to. I've worked so hard to grow as a human, and I still do.
I'm at a point where I don't think I can take a whole lot more. I keep connecting with abilities and strengths I didn't know I had, yet concurrently I see even more how bad and insurmountable things are, and how I have zero agency. If only shit would stop, I could recover, once again be better than before, continue to share healing and empowerment with others who don't have the same resilience, similar to how people can recover from war and even thrive in spite of having lost so much, because there is opportunity again, because the overwhelming abuse and oppression is over. The shit I'm going through and don't talk about, I don't see it ever being over. It's not like an open war and if I can just hold on, then someday a foreign power may come in and liberate the concentration camp. And that's reflected in what's happening in the Western world as well: seriously heavy governmental abuse and control is happening in Western countries, ostensibly the most dominant world powers, and no one is going to come in and liberate the people from the toxic, dominating, lying, oppressive systems. If someone does, they'll be dressed as good guys, but they'll have their own agenda. Governments and world powers don't do altruism.
This dystopian world is so antisocial, Machiavellian and narcissistic, a true dark triad, and I am mere supply. Just when I'm running out of power, I get a little maintenance, a little love bombing, so I can keep on supplying. I hate this. I don't have the ability to go no contact from the whole world! And I still want to love and heal the world and it won't let me. Because of my heart, as well as the manipulation, I don't want to die, or more accurately, to not to destroy myself. I want to make change and am impotent, and I am afraid of dying and ending up even worse off afterward, or not existing at all. As far as the latter is concerned, that would be the preferable of the two, as it certainly doesn't hurt when I am asleep or have been anesthetized for a surgery; I am not aware in not conscious because I'm not conscious, so it's not a scary experience because there is no experience.
My heart and mind can't take much more of my experience. For example, I finally shed the burden of owning my parents' shit and placed it back on them, and it's been liberating, and it is both rational and just just that they can't illegitimately claim support from their social structures if I die, but yet i compassionately hurt for them, because they didn't know how to get support by being direct and honest, and they didn't make themselves the way they are. I wish I'd had the power to liberate myself without outing them, and just let them keep pulling their petty shit, but unfortunately it wasn't working no matter how hard I tried, how altruistic my intentions in trying. So I finally got free, and they are going to have a load of consequences that are logical but, damn, are they going to hurt. It is not a black-and-white issue. It it is justifiable and was necessary, but it will never feel totally good to my spirit that I had to directly impact them in order to rightfully claim my personal power. If I lose my compassion for them, I lose some of my humanity, so I have to deal with the discomfort and pain of a half-awesome, half-awful outcome. There are so many painful double binds in life. Some are overwhelming for the mind and spirit; this example is not one of the overwhelming ones but I have experienced and still experience others.
Even the strongest humans, whether in body, mind or spirit, have limits as to what they can endure. I wish I were like those in the concentration camps who, when their bodies were weakened and they lost all hope, just laid there and soiled themselves, stopped eating or drinking, stopped interacting, and within two or three days, died. I wish my body were that wasted. I wish I didn't have any strength of mind or spirit left. These are horrible wishes, but they are realistic; there is no cushioning, sugarcoating or dissociation from the correlating horrible truths. If only I were the kind of person who could kiss ass or sublimate my values to fit in, get along, take bullshit to maybe have a secure place. But I'm not that kind of person, and perhaps it's self-destructive, but my spirit clings to my values, they are my refuge, shelter and strength. If I give them up to get along, I lose my self and am only alive, rather than suffering but still have light and life in my spirit.
On the other hand, I wish I were in a situation like Navy admiral James Stockton, who as a Vietnamese prisoner of war, was tortured, but had Stoic training and values similar to mine to help him get through. When those weren't enough, had the support of connection with fellow prisoners, a wife who was fighting for him and actually had a powerful impact on his behalf, and a country he was able to believe was doing its best to come to the rescue. Things have to be pretty bad for me to envy such a situation, or the situation of a concentration camp death. I take neither lightly. My soul understands.
I don't do well at all with unresolvable conundrums. I am resilient, but not nearly flexible enough for the shit in the world. I sometimes even inspire others because of my resilience, because I am supportive, share knowledge, and share power, but if I set aside my ego and my hope or idealism, and maybe my humanity, for what it's worth, then I see there's not much purpose; sometimes I just help people keep going longer when maybe it would be for the best if they lost support and hope and let go sooner. Human hope is a beautiful thing, but maybe it's just a drug that makes one see a desired illusion of beauty when it really isn't there.
Nihilism sucks. This is so not my accustomed way. But farting rainbows stopped serving me quite a while back.
I hope the ongoing aftereffects of COVID that I experience finally kill me without me having to do a thing. I am at a crisis point, and I don't see any possible positive outcome. I'm in a crucible, I think, or maybe it's just the narcissistic manipulative perception of a crucible to keep me going as some kind of supply, and the only way to make that theft stop is to go no contact from life and the last hope -- hope, that cruel word -- that consciousness and existence really do end with death.
Edit: Adding the text of a page from what I call my self-help notebook, which I just realized completely applies to what I've written. Sharing in case anyone is interested. It helps me see where I am, and cautions me, but doesn't provide a solution, or at least not a palatable one, except to make sure I don't go mad or rash with virtuie.
I'm at a point where I don't think I can take a whole lot more. I keep connecting with abilities and strengths I didn't know I had, yet concurrently I see even more how bad and insurmountable things are, and how I have zero agency. If only shit would stop, I could recover, once again be better than before, continue to share healing and empowerment with others who don't have the same resilience, similar to how people can recover from war and even thrive in spite of having lost so much, because there is opportunity again, because the overwhelming abuse and oppression is over. The shit I'm going through and don't talk about, I don't see it ever being over. It's not like an open war and if I can just hold on, then someday a foreign power may come in and liberate the concentration camp. And that's reflected in what's happening in the Western world as well: seriously heavy governmental abuse and control is happening in Western countries, ostensibly the most dominant world powers, and no one is going to come in and liberate the people from the toxic, dominating, lying, oppressive systems. If someone does, they'll be dressed as good guys, but they'll have their own agenda. Governments and world powers don't do altruism.
This dystopian world is so antisocial, Machiavellian and narcissistic, a true dark triad, and I am mere supply. Just when I'm running out of power, I get a little maintenance, a little love bombing, so I can keep on supplying. I hate this. I don't have the ability to go no contact from the whole world! And I still want to love and heal the world and it won't let me. Because of my heart, as well as the manipulation, I don't want to die, or more accurately, to not to destroy myself. I want to make change and am impotent, and I am afraid of dying and ending up even worse off afterward, or not existing at all. As far as the latter is concerned, that would be the preferable of the two, as it certainly doesn't hurt when I am asleep or have been anesthetized for a surgery; I am not aware in not conscious because I'm not conscious, so it's not a scary experience because there is no experience.
My heart and mind can't take much more of my experience. For example, I finally shed the burden of owning my parents' shit and placed it back on them, and it's been liberating, and it is both rational and just just that they can't illegitimately claim support from their social structures if I die, but yet i compassionately hurt for them, because they didn't know how to get support by being direct and honest, and they didn't make themselves the way they are. I wish I'd had the power to liberate myself without outing them, and just let them keep pulling their petty shit, but unfortunately it wasn't working no matter how hard I tried, how altruistic my intentions in trying. So I finally got free, and they are going to have a load of consequences that are logical but, damn, are they going to hurt. It is not a black-and-white issue. It it is justifiable and was necessary, but it will never feel totally good to my spirit that I had to directly impact them in order to rightfully claim my personal power. If I lose my compassion for them, I lose some of my humanity, so I have to deal with the discomfort and pain of a half-awesome, half-awful outcome. There are so many painful double binds in life. Some are overwhelming for the mind and spirit; this example is not one of the overwhelming ones but I have experienced and still experience others.
Even the strongest humans, whether in body, mind or spirit, have limits as to what they can endure. I wish I were like those in the concentration camps who, when their bodies were weakened and they lost all hope, just laid there and soiled themselves, stopped eating or drinking, stopped interacting, and within two or three days, died. I wish my body were that wasted. I wish I didn't have any strength of mind or spirit left. These are horrible wishes, but they are realistic; there is no cushioning, sugarcoating or dissociation from the correlating horrible truths. If only I were the kind of person who could kiss ass or sublimate my values to fit in, get along, take bullshit to maybe have a secure place. But I'm not that kind of person, and perhaps it's self-destructive, but my spirit clings to my values, they are my refuge, shelter and strength. If I give them up to get along, I lose my self and am only alive, rather than suffering but still have light and life in my spirit.
On the other hand, I wish I were in a situation like Navy admiral James Stockton, who as a Vietnamese prisoner of war, was tortured, but had Stoic training and values similar to mine to help him get through. When those weren't enough, had the support of connection with fellow prisoners, a wife who was fighting for him and actually had a powerful impact on his behalf, and a country he was able to believe was doing its best to come to the rescue. Things have to be pretty bad for me to envy such a situation, or the situation of a concentration camp death. I take neither lightly. My soul understands.
I don't do well at all with unresolvable conundrums. I am resilient, but not nearly flexible enough for the shit in the world. I sometimes even inspire others because of my resilience, because I am supportive, share knowledge, and share power, but if I set aside my ego and my hope or idealism, and maybe my humanity, for what it's worth, then I see there's not much purpose; sometimes I just help people keep going longer when maybe it would be for the best if they lost support and hope and let go sooner. Human hope is a beautiful thing, but maybe it's just a drug that makes one see a desired illusion of beauty when it really isn't there.
Nihilism sucks. This is so not my accustomed way. But farting rainbows stopped serving me quite a while back.
I hope the ongoing aftereffects of COVID that I experience finally kill me without me having to do a thing. I am at a crisis point, and I don't see any possible positive outcome. I'm in a crucible, I think, or maybe it's just the narcissistic manipulative perception of a crucible to keep me going as some kind of supply, and the only way to make that theft stop is to go no contact from life and the last hope -- hope, that cruel word -- that consciousness and existence really do end with death.
Edit: Adding the text of a page from what I call my self-help notebook, which I just realized completely applies to what I've written. Sharing in case anyone is interested. It helps me see where I am, and cautions me, but doesn't provide a solution, or at least not a palatable one, except to make sure I don't go mad or rash with virtuie.
OVERDOING VALOR -- VIRTUE INTO VICE, FORCE MAJEURE
Valor - great courage or bravery in the face of danger.
Like all other virtues valor has its limits; overstep them, and you trad the path of vice; consequently a man may go right through the dwelling place of valor intor rashness, stubbornness and madness if he does not know where those boudnaries yet lie; yet at the margins they are not easy to pick out.
[...]
But the judgment of the strength or weakness of a place is formed by estimating the comparateive strength of the forces attacking it; a man might properly hold out agains two [cannon] who would be crazy to resist thirty cannon.
[...]
Thus above all we must beware, if we can, of falling into the hands of an enemy judge who is victorius and armed.
- Montainge, "One is punished for defending a place obstinately without reason"
Force majeure - irresistible compulsion or greater force; extraordinary event or circumstance beyond the control of the party, alleviating one of responsibility and liability.
Bravery is a scorner of things which inspire fear; it looks down upon, challenges, and crushes the powers of terror and all that would drive our freedom under the yoke.
- Seneca
To strive with difficulties, and to conquer them, is the hightest human felicity; the next is, to strive, and deserve to conquer.
- Samuel Johnson
It is the crisis that reveals the man.
- Epictetus
Fire tests gold, misfortune brave men.
- Seneca (Adversity is a proving ground.)
Valor - great courage or bravery in the face of danger.
Like all other virtues valor has its limits; overstep them, and you trad the path of vice; consequently a man may go right through the dwelling place of valor intor rashness, stubbornness and madness if he does not know where those boudnaries yet lie; yet at the margins they are not easy to pick out.
[...]
But the judgment of the strength or weakness of a place is formed by estimating the comparateive strength of the forces attacking it; a man might properly hold out agains two [cannon] who would be crazy to resist thirty cannon.
[...]
Thus above all we must beware, if we can, of falling into the hands of an enemy judge who is victorius and armed.
- Montainge, "One is punished for defending a place obstinately without reason"
Force majeure - irresistible compulsion or greater force; extraordinary event or circumstance beyond the control of the party, alleviating one of responsibility and liability.
Bravery is a scorner of things which inspire fear; it looks down upon, challenges, and crushes the powers of terror and all that would drive our freedom under the yoke.
- Seneca
To strive with difficulties, and to conquer them, is the hightest human felicity; the next is, to strive, and deserve to conquer.
- Samuel Johnson
It is the crisis that reveals the man.
- Epictetus
Fire tests gold, misfortune brave men.
- Seneca (Adversity is a proving ground.)
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