Venting Cringe Vent

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I've had some interesting "growth experiences" as of late, just wanted to vent and summarize my situation. Maybe someone in a similar spot will relate or something, but the main purpose is for me to get my thoughts collected.

When I was young me and this girl would stare at each-other from far away, and pretty often. We were in love with each-other but in a cute, shy sort of way. This went on for a good while before she sent her friend to ask me if I thought she was pretty. Despite being in love with her I answered that I thought she "looked ok", probably because of my attachment disorder and non-existent forethought, care or empathy. I wasn't very observant, but I believe she became depressed due to this. I wasn't really paying attention to girls except when I was trying to get IOIs by using body language and such to get dopamine hits for my own selfish pleasure. This was ten years ago. There were a few similar incidents involving girls that I really liked, and that liked me, being ignored by me, for no good reason at all- harming and depriving myself and the other without cause.

Fast forward a decade and I met someone. With time I had become very picky when it comes to who I could see myself falling in love with, keeping the grapes very sour as my attractiveness was in free-fall due to my diminishing mental health. I had set up criteria that would make even hearing about someone that fulfilled them extremely unlikely, to add to this I would obviously also not be good enough for such a person to want to spend time with. Anyway, turns out she existed and randomly struck up a conversation with me. At first I thought she was a man, then I thought she lived far away, and finally I experienced falling in love for the second time in my life.

She was never interested in me in the same way, and I guess I knew that all along. I still couldn't distract myself from her, I didn't have anything in my life that grabbed my attention or stole my time. I was sitting in a dark closet and suddenly a candle was lit. So I became attached, despite knowing that it was a very bad move. What did I have to lose? I was already on the brink of suicide, this could be something. With time her dispassionate neutrality towards me eventually started to become unsettling, I had a few emotional moments and in those moments of weakness I told her about how I felt, trying to coat it in some kind of humor or levity as best as I could- often failing.

I couldn't have a good conversation with her, my need was too strong. I couldn't provide her with anything, not even a funny joke here or there. I was completely useless.

Eventually I became too annoying for her, I know now what I did to that girl ten years ago. I never perceived it as a big deal, I barely ever thought about it.

I learned my lesson, now what?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It's only cringe in the sense that I can relate to your vent myself and am cringing at remembering my own moments like this. As I grow older I realized that there were actually lots of girls in middle and high school who were likely interested in me but I was blinded by my persistent attraction to this one girl who I had been infatuated with from ages 11-20. Maybe I'm like the worst possible person to discuss this kind of stuff with so take what i

Unfortunately unless you have the chance to reunite with that first girl and explain yourself (if you even want to), all you can do now to show you learned this lesson is dwell on this event in the past and hope that next time you find a girl like that you shower her with nothing but praise to keep her interested in you. It's such a specific thing though, so we can never be sure that next time there won't be more new and dynamic ways to screw up again.

As for the second girl, it's probably for the best she seems to not care about you, personally I find it way easier to get over someone that way than if they just leave it vaguely open that they still think I'm a good person or whatever...

 

[Mentalmick]

Can't really help. No one has ever had feelings for me (boo fucking hoo) so I can't offer any constructive advice. Not that I would of been able to anyway. My advice is to plan serious and horrible revenge on the planet for what it's done to you. Make it pay dearly.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

My advice is to plan serious and horrible revenge on the planet for what it's done to you. Make it pay dearly.

Will consuming 210g of protein a day work?

 

[Mentalmick]

Will consuming 210g of protein a day work?

You may want to up it a bit. The idea it to get to roughly the same size as Godzilla. Then the carnage can begin in earnest.

 

[aneurysm]

never follow your heart.
never. It'll always let you down, son.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

never follow your heart.
never. It'll always let you down, son.

Most people follow it and it works out well for them... But, yeah, in this situation it's a bad call.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I say follow your heart and lose again. Fuck it. Take the chance if you feel like it.

And then lose.

At this point this really shouldn't make a difference to you, to have nothing now, or have nothing later.

 

[Sensei]

You must do what I constantly fail to do: take the initiative. Therein lies both salvation and pain.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

You must do what I constantly fail to do: take the iniative. Therein lies both salvation and pain.

Too late now, I'm too needy and my life situation is shit.

 

[Sensei]

Too late now, I'm too needy and my life situation is shit.

No, it's not too late. You're simply too cowardly, just like me.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

No, it's not too late. You're simply too cowardly, just like me.

I'm cowardly on top of the other things, then. This speaks for it being too late, not against it.

 

[Sensei]

I'm cowardly on top of the other things, then. This speaks for it being too late, not against it.

Look, I don't know exactly what your life situation is like. I assume it's shit, just like mine. I do know this, though: as @UseItOrLoseIt points out, you have nothing to lose anymore.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Look, I don't know exactly what your life situation is like. I assume it's shit, just like mine. I do know this, though: as @UseItOrLoseIt points out, you have nothing to lose anymore.

Nothing to gain, either.

 

[262653]

If the room is dimly lit, maybe brighten it up a little bit?

 

[Mentalmick]

If the room is dimly lit, maybe brighten it up a little bit?

Yes, with the detonation of a nuclear warhead.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

@Sensei and @ GenesAndEnvironment

One of you wishes he can do something, the other claims he can do nothing.

Meet me halfway. It is both late and not late. You are a formed individual already, with genes and established patterns of behaviour and what not, but your choice is real. And the nothing you experience might well be the counterpart of every decision you didn't make.

You have contrary beliefs but in real life you act the same way. Just as I do. No initiative. Total inertia. I have predicted the probability of my chances, and they were always zero. But I never tried to prove I was right. So how should I know?

From failed moment to failed moment, this thought... that maybe my life would have turned out differently if I actually believed in myself.

 

[Sensei]

Nothing to gain, either.

Only you know if that's true or not. To me, it seems that you desire love. I'll leave you be now, though. Since my life obviously has turned out so bad that I want to kill myself, I'm not the right person to give you advice. P.S. I'm drunk.

@Sensei and @ GenesAndEnvironment

One of you wishes he can do something, the other claims he can do nothing.

Meet me halfway. It is both late and not late. You are a formed individual already, with genes and established patterns of behaviour and what not, but your choice is real. And the nothing you experience might well be the counterpart of every decision you didn't make.

You have contrary beliefs but in real life you act the same way. Just as I do. No initiative. Total inertia. I have predicted the probability of my chances, and they were always zero. But I never tried to prove I was right. So how should I know?

From failed moment to failed moment, this thought... that maybe my life would have turned out differently if I actually believed in myself.

It seems we have much in common. I've actually started taking initiative, albeit late in life, most probably too late. Will it make me happy? I actually doubt it. However, the day I kill myself I can at least look at myself in the mirror and say that I tried.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Only you know if that's true or not. To me, it seems that you desire love. I'll leave you be now, though. Since my life obviously has turned out so bad that I want to kill myself, I'm not the right person to give you advice. P.S. I'm drunk.

Desire and opportunity doesn't really come hand-in-hand. Thank you for taking the time to drunkpost in my thread.

 

[Sensei]

Thank you for taking the time to drunkpost in my thread.

My apologies. My posts are most sincere, though. I would write the same thing if I was completely sober. Good luck.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

My apologies. My posts are most sincere, though. I would write the same thing if I was completely sober. Good luck.

It was a genuine thank you, lol.

 

[Sensei]

It was a genuine thank you, lol.

Ha ha! Thanks. I was afraid that you thought I had derailed your thread.

 

[BornofDust]

Yeah I get it dude. It was sort of the same with me too. I didn't even realize this until last year. Throughout middle school , high school, and even college. Some girls would be clearly interested in me(and when looking back, some of them were really clear about it). Unfortunately because of a combination of lack of self-esteem, being socially clueless, being a really guarded person in genera l, and, as with you, tendencies for avoidance. And even when I knew they were attracted to me, my mind would just sort of tell me " No.' since again. The one's I did pursued though were clearly those that didn't feel the same way as me. Funny how that works. So because I was so self-absorbed and guarded, I usually don't notice, and if I did, I tend to become more avoidant. Don't know why. Seems like I'm not used to people noticing me( much less noticing me in an actual positive way) and so when it happens, I can't help but feel a bit weird about it. Even when I do engage in it( sort of as in giving her my somewhat full attention) my persoanlity tends to ruin it completely :)

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Yeah I get it dude. It was sort of the same with me too. I didn't even realize this until last year. Throughout middle school , high school, and even college. Some girls would be clearly interested in me(and when looking back, some of them were really clear about it). Unfortunately because of a combination of lack of self-esteem, being socially clueless, being a really guarded person in genera l, and, as with you, tendencies for avoidance. And even when I knew they were attracted to me, my mind would just sort of tell me " No.' since again. The one's I did pursued though were clearly those that didn't feel the same way as me. Funny how that works. So because I was so self-absorbed and guarded, I usually don't notice, and if I did, I tend to become more avoidant. Don't know why. Seems like I'm not used to people noticing me( much less noticing me in an actual positive way) and so when it happens, I can't help but feel a bit weird about it. Even when I do engage in it( sort of as in giving her my somewhat full attention) my persoanlity tends to ruin it completely :)

Were you also left in kindergarten at an early age? Or some similar maternal abandonment, I'm going Freud-mode on this lol.

 

[BornofDust]

Were you also left in kindergarten at an early age? Or some similar maternal abandonment, I'm going Freud-mode on this lol.

I was raised at home until about kindergarten, and I don't remember much from that time tbh. I got put in two. I was kicked out of one kindergarten class people I was " to hard to handle." for them just 2 hours after I got there lol. So I got put in another.I was a pretty hyper child people told me.My parents would leave the house a lot. I remember being in the house alone all by myself a lot when I was little. My dad worked a lot so he was barely here, but my mom would just leave without saying anything. So I was left by myself a lot when I was little. Don't know if that has to do with anything?

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I was raised at home until about kindergarten, and I don't remember much from that time tbh. I got put in two. I was kicked out of one kindergarten class people I was " to hard to handle." for them just 2 hours after I got there lol. So I got put in another.I was a pretty hyper child people told me.My parents would leave the house a lot. I remember being in the house alone all by myself a lot when I was little. My dad worked a lot so he was barely here, but my mom would just leave without saying anything. So I was left by myself a lot when I was little. Don't know if that has to do with anything?

I was left in kindergarten at age 1 ( ) and then the SWAPPED THE FUCKING TEACHERS AROUND () so that I basically failed to establish any safe relationship. It's very important for a young child to have a secure base for attachment to the mother or at least some other stabile care figures, not a fucking merry-go-round of strangers.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

It seems we have much in common. I've actually started taking initiative, albeit late in life, most probably too late. Will it make me happy? I actually doubt it. However, the day I kill myself I can at least look at myself in the mirror and say that I tried.

That's commendable. It's not easy to go against the grain. Every time I don't take initiative I label it with "being real", but there's always a part of me that knows I'm a coward.
I wish you good luck in your endeavours, with this, and the conditioning. Keep us posted, you may just give someone that extra kick they need to actually do something, instead of waiting for miracles