craving bad connection

[ambivalent_thespian]

so for most of my adolescence i was in trauma bond with someone. this person is now gone but like, i still miss that push and pull. is there anything i can do to stop that craving other than just seeking out the worst relationship imaginable?

 

[longtheriverrun]

Do whatever you can to focus on your mind on something else—easier said than done, of course, but it's the only way I know how to phrase it. What's 'helped' me is seeking out any relationship I can sustain long enough to make me feel 'normal' again, only to then fall right back into a cycle of isolation and wanting to be cared for by someone as 'broken' as me. Trauma bonds are awful—I'm permanently connected to that person, no matter what happens or what I do

I've seen people 'move on' from those kinds of relationships in a matter of months, and it makes me feel as though I'm doomed to be this way forever, since it's been years for me. I don't think I have any 'healthy' advice on what to do, so this is more about me expressing that I understand what it's like

Maybe telling yourself that you matter more than anything else could provide some temporary relief? I find that being selfish helps me suppress a lot of negative feelings and outbursts; The less I care about others, the less I tend to care about how I feel—since most of what I 'feel' is derived from my interactions with other people. There's a chance you could find a sense of freedom in actively affirming your own desires and 'will'

 

[Atsushi.Ame]

i have basically struggled with this my whole life- and though I am in a healthy relationship now I fight the urge nearly everyday to "go off the deep end" and throw my life away for someone who I know will be bad for me, not care about me, manipulate me, etc. to fill the emptiness I feel. Sometimes I even attempt to sabotage my healthy relationship. Something I do to cope with these feelings without ruining my life- is reading stories about unhealthy relationships and inserting myself in the character.

Honestly I think what's stopping me is valuing myself more- even though it's difficult to. As well as remembering all the nights I spent sobbing wishing they truly cared about me. Even though I had the highest of highs with my abusers- nothing will ever be worth feeling that low ever again.

Good luck, stay strong and remember that you deserve better than a push and pull relationship.

 

[ambivalent_thespian]

Do whatever you can to focus on your mind on something else—easier said than done, of course, but it's the only way I know how to phrase it. What's 'helped' me is seeking out any relationship I can sustain long enough to make me feel 'normal' again, only to then fall right back into a cycle of isolation and wanting to be cared for by someone as 'broken' as me. Trauma bonds are awful—I'm permanently connected to that person, no matter what happens or what I do

I've seen people 'move on' from those kinds of relationships in a matter of months, and it makes me feel as though I'm doomed to be this way forever, since it's been years for me. I don't think I have any 'healthy' advice on what to do, so this is more about me expressing that I understand what it's like

Maybe telling yourself that you matter more than anything else could provide some temporary relief? I find that being selfish helps me suppress a lot of negative feelings and outbursts; The less I care about others, the less I tend to care about how I feel—since most of what I 'feel' is derived from my interactions with other people. There's a chance you could find a sense of freedom in actively affirming your own desires and 'will'

for me it's like, it wasn't even a romantic relationship, they were an adult and i was a stupid fucking child. if i was an adult, i could probably conceptualize what happened and understand that it was a bad time of my life, but something that could be left in the past. but because i was a child, 13 when it started and 16 when it ended. it feels like an intrinsic part of who I am. i don't feel equipped to ever understand this, or if it's even possible, all i know is that i'm probably ruined for any new constructive relationships in any context. i can't befriend people who don't know what happened, i can't experience meaningful intimacy, and god knows i can never trust another 'mentor' ever again.

but in regards to you, i don't think people really move on from anything like that in a short time span, they're either lying to the world or lying to themselves, it's going to come up in future relationships, it's something that has to be worked through in the darkest, thorniest way possible.

it's likely more common than any of us think, but it's a battle that's largely fought in private, and that can feel pretty demoralizing at times.