Cracking

[-nobodyknows-]

Have you noticed it? That silent desperation in my eyes. The need for someone to step in. I know I am smiling. I know I am hiding it. But surely you can see the cracks, can't you?

No. You cannot. And, that is okay. With a smile like mine, there is no reason for you to think that something is wrong. And, perhaps, that is for the best. Perhaps the reason I was given the ability to conceal my feelings so well was so that I could protect the people I care about from them. For that, I am thankful.

I will do my best to make as small a splash as possible. I desperately want to tell you all everything. I don't like lying to you like this. But I have seen just how painful it is for you to know. So I shall do my best to hide it from you for as long as I can. And when I suddenly disappear, without a goodbye, I hope you do not try to find out what happened to me.

My family will know. Unfortunately, there is no way to avoid that. I simply have to try my best to do so in a such a way that they will hopefully not have to be the ones to find me. It is the very least I can do.

If I could simply erase myself, and all memories and signs of myself from everyone I knew, to make it as if I had never existed, I would. I do not want to hurt anyone. That is the hardest part about all of this.

I am still trying. I have to keep trying. To wait for a long as I can stand to. But I am not a fool. I know I do not have long.

I am aware that I could lock myself away from the world, and that, in doing so, I could potentially survive a bit longer. But I really do not want to live that way. As painful as this is, I am still happy that I have chosen this path over simply surviving. I got to meet such wonderful people. I am so thankful for that.

I know how selfish that must seem, and you are correct. It is incredibly selfish. Getting involved with more people leads to the potential that they too could be impacted. I hate myself for that. And, if they hate me too in the end, I would understand.

If there is a person in this world who can keep me from this fate, who can help me find a way to keep going, a reason to live, I beg you: please save me. If not for me, then for the people I care about.

 

[TransTaxEvader]

Beautifully written and heartbreaking. I'm sorry you have to go through this. You're not alone here at least. I hope you find that someone.

 

[whywere]

You are ALWAYS loved and cared for here by me, as after reading your thread the theme hit me extremely hard in so far as just how much of a loving and caring person you are. You are an outstanding writer and a person who has such an abundance of humanity that you WILL find that person that will deeply connect with you.

You are family to/for me as I have no friends nor family and I can reread your thread over and over and it speaks volumes to me about you and how you are a treasure.

Lots of HUGE HUGS, love, vibrant blue sunny skies and the VERY firm belief that you WILL find your rainbow.

Walter

 

[selfeater]

I wish I could say you'll definitely find that reason and you'll definitely find a way to keep going but honestly I don't know and that would be lying. But I for sure can say I hope you'll find that reason. Maybe « hope » can be your reason for right now, « hope » that you will one day find that reason, that person, anything. I believe in you and your ability to find it.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I wish I could say you'll definitely find that reason and you'll definitely find a way to keep going but honestly I don't know and that would be lying. But I for sure can say I hope you'll find that reason. Maybe « hope » can be your reason for right now, « hope » that you will one day find that reason, that person, anything. I believe in you and your ability to find it.

I hope so too. I can tell I am running out of steam but I really do want to find something before everything falls apart. Attendre et espérer.