BitterlyAlive_
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- Dec 8, 2020
- 2,394
I would already want to die without the 'trauma', but cPTSD makes me desperate to kill myself.
People don't understand, it's not 'dwelling on the past'. The past keeps hitting you over the top of the head via flashbacks, and if you express the emotional pain you're weak and/or dwelling on the past. But you can't help it, the pain is too much, you feel like you're reliving things over and over again.
I can't stand it. this is torment. Cutting myself feels so damn natural right now, I can feel and see everything, and want to do it so bad. Suicide feels just as natural. I can still fucking taste the SN and want to cry, because I want to attempt again so badly. The pain is overwhelming.
Even though I know it's trauma, flashbacks, depression, I still feel so upset that I can't do anything right now. I want to so badly, but I'm in a place where I can't. I feel so desperate. CPTSD isn't a joke, it's not weakness, flashbacks keep happening every day without my damn consent. It's pushing me over the edge, even though I know it's 'illogical'.
The only thing I can really seem to do is dissociate. If I'm lucky, I can sleep. I can't cry like I need to because it's viewed as weak, manipulative. If I'm lucky, I can distract my mind for a bit and do something.
This is agony, and I'm really struggling to cope. It's suicide fuel, as the stupid title says.
People don't understand, it's not 'dwelling on the past'. The past keeps hitting you over the top of the head via flashbacks, and if you express the emotional pain you're weak and/or dwelling on the past. But you can't help it, the pain is too much, you feel like you're reliving things over and over again.
I can't stand it. this is torment. Cutting myself feels so damn natural right now, I can feel and see everything, and want to do it so bad. Suicide feels just as natural. I can still fucking taste the SN and want to cry, because I want to attempt again so badly. The pain is overwhelming.
Even though I know it's trauma, flashbacks, depression, I still feel so upset that I can't do anything right now. I want to so badly, but I'm in a place where I can't. I feel so desperate. CPTSD isn't a joke, it's not weakness, flashbacks keep happening every day without my damn consent. It's pushing me over the edge, even though I know it's 'illogical'.
The only thing I can really seem to do is dissociate. If I'm lucky, I can sleep. I can't cry like I need to because it's viewed as weak, manipulative. If I'm lucky, I can distract my mind for a bit and do something.
This is agony, and I'm really struggling to cope. It's suicide fuel, as the stupid title says.