Venting Cowardice

[NickStanfield]

I had a moment today when I thought about CBT and the impacts it would have on those around me, from the emotional pain to the physical, financial and social impacts. It made me feel very selfish and maybe a little cowardly. And for a few hours, I started feeling like I should do something different, even though I don't know what.

I just want the pain and anxiety and what feels like a lifetime of bad luck and punishment to end. Anyone else feel selfish or cowardly about wanting to CTB?

 

[AnxiouslyDepressed]

Add guilt to the list and remove cowardly, and yeah I feel the same.

I think if someone has a plan of taking their own life that they are willing to carry out, it is infact the opposite of cowardly.

 

[Time]

Absolutely. I still kinda wrestle with those aspects but I still think that I'm making the right decision for me & I hope (& mostly believe) that they will understand.

 

[NickStanfield]

Add guilt to the list and remove cowardly, and yeah I feel the same.

I think if someone has a plan of taking their own life that they are willing to carry out, it is infact the opposite of cowardly.

But ultimately, aren't we running from the problems we can't solve? Don't get me wrong, I need to escape this mess of a life and I need some eternal rest. I'm tired and I'm so far past my point of breaking that I've got nothing... No reserves, no ideas, no plans, no way back... I'm not calling out anyone for our path forward... Just venting some feelings...

 

[Ark]

Cowardly? No. Here is why. I have built entire lives for others. Watched them burn those lives to the ground, take everything they could from me, lie to me, hurt me, and much more. Never once did I give up on them, I would start building a life for them from the ground up again. I never asked for anything in return, I never got mad for the betrayal and pain thrown at me.

The last person I spent 5 years creating an entire life for them. I truly believed this person was honest and sincere and cared about me. I found out in the most horrible ways it was all lies. The minute I truly needed them as a person, I learned I was not worthy off their tiniest effort.

I started really looking at all the people in my life that I had sacrificed so much for over and over and realized, they all took it for granted. All of them.

I will feel very badly for the pain my passing will cause to those that care about me. But there is no way I will feel cowardly for the first time in my life making a decision for me. Nor will I feel guilty for extricating myself from the cycle of sacrificing everything for others over and over that do not care the same for me.

 

[Stan]

For me it's about forgiving yourself for having these reasons and actually going through with it. It's understandable that you look at the impact this may have, but after a while, life goes on. They will adapt and conform to you not being there. It's not selfish, its more about self. You, what you are and how you feel. You can either choose to be a martyr and stay knowing you may feel like this for the rest of your life or make a life ending decision. That is one of the tenants of pro-choice I guess.

 

[MeltingHeart]

But ultimately, aren't we running from the problems we can't solve? Don't get me wrong, I need to escape this mess of a life and I need some eternal rest. I'm tired and I'm so far past my point of breaking that I've got nothing... No reserves, no ideas, no plans, no way back... I'm not calling out anyone for our path forward... Just venting some feelings...

But as you say- if they are problems we CAN'T solve of course you want to run away- IF however, there IS a chance even a small one they are solvable that = hope, If they can't be solved - I think it is understandable any one would want to 'run away' i.e escape from them- in the only way they can see how to.

 

[AnxiouslyDepressed]

But ultimately, aren't we running from the problems we can't solve? Don't get me wrong, I need to escape this mess of a life and I need some eternal rest. I'm tired and I'm so far past my point of breaking that I've got nothing... No reserves, no ideas, no plans, no way back... I'm not calling out anyone for our path forward... Just venting some feelings...

Are we running from problems we can't solve? Or are we solving a problem...

And I hope you don't think I was getting at you for what you were saying. You are entirely entitled to your own opinions and feelings, I was simply stating mine. Sorry if it came off as rude.

 

[TAW122]

I actually feel the opposite. I don't really feel selfish or scared (mostly just need to override SI) when I thought about it. The reason I don't feel selfish is because life was imposed on me without my choice and society around me has made it mandatory for me (and everyone else) to live. The default option is to live and if one tries to chose otherwise (if failed) then they would suffer harsh consequences from it, including, but not limited to forced intervention, forced treatment against one's will, locked up and detained against one's will, despite having committed no crimes. After that, one would be subject to additional consequences such as a huge medical/hospital bill, a stain on one's background/health records, and/or ostracization from one's peers, society at large, which will affect their quality of life.

I can't say with absolute certainty that I have overcomed my SI entirely (in fact, some argue that it may not be possible, but overriding enough of it would be sufficient), but I don't really fear death, especially if it is controlled and also that I have reasonable expectation that I will succeed (99.9%+ success rate). However, with all that said, I am not currently thinking about CTB'ing as things haven't gotten to that 'point' yet for me and in fact, things have improved enough to the point where I'm willing to stick around in life a bit longer.

 

[Nem]

Cowardly? No. Here is why. I have built entire lives for others. Watched them burn those lives to the ground, take everything they could from me, lie to me, hurt me, and much more. Never once did I give up on them, I would start building a life for them from the ground up again. I never asked for anything in return, I never got mad for the betrayal and pain thrown at me.

The last person I spent 5 years creating an entire life for them. I truly believed this person was honest and sincere and cared about me. I found out in the most horrible ways it was all lies. The minute I truly needed them as a person, I learned I was not worthy off their tiniest effort.

I started really looking at all the people in my life that I had sacrificed so much for over and over and realized, they all took it for granted. All of them.

I will feel very badly for the pain my passing will cause to those that care about me. But there is no way I will feel cowardly for the first time in my life making a decision for me. Nor will I feel guilty for extricating myself from the cycle of sacrificing everything for others over and over that do not care the same for me.

Sounds like my ex!!!! Sorry to hear about the garbage you had to deal with
Peace/hugs

 

[BridgeJumper]

No, I actually feel cowardly because I cant kill myself

 

[SoupSnakes]

I think it's only natural to feel those things, I think you'd be made of stone if you didn't. I always try and tell myself I don't feel these things but then I continued writing my letters and found myself in a heap on the floor crying, filled with guilt. But then I remind myself, like @Stan said, life goes on. People move on. Not straight away, but they do. That's what you need to try and remind yourself to get through those feelings.

 

[NickStanfield]

Are we running from problems we can't solve? Or are we solving a problem...

And I hope you don't think I was getting at you for what you were saying. You are entirely entitled to your own opinions and feelings, I was simply stating mine. Sorry if it came off as rude.

Didn't come off as rude at all. I'm just exploring all sorts of thoughts and I really appreciate your thinking.

Cowardly? No. Here is why. I have built entire lives for others. Watched them burn those lives to the ground, take everything they could from me, lie to me, hurt me, and much more. Never once did I give up on them, I would start building a life for them from the ground up again. I never asked for anything in return, I never got mad for the betrayal and pain thrown at me.

The last person I spent 5 years creating an entire life for them. I truly believed this person was honest and sincere and cared about me. I found out in the most horrible ways it was all lies. The minute I truly needed them as a person, I learned I was not worthy off their tiniest effort.

I started really looking at all the people in my life that I had sacrificed so much for over and over and realized, they all took it for granted. All of them.

I will feel very badly for the pain my passing will cause to those that care about me. But there is no way I will feel cowardly for the first time in my life making a decision for me. Nor will I feel guilty for extricating myself from the cycle of sacrificing everything for others over and over that do not care the same for me.

I think that's part of my problem. I still have a deep attachment to one person in my life. One. And I feel very much connected and responsible for our life together. But whether I CBT or not, I've only got a little time left (in years)... So maybe it doesn't matter anyway.

 

[AnxiouslyDepressed]

Didn't come off as rude at all. I'm just exploring all sorts of thoughts and I really appreciate your thinking.

I think that's part of my problem. I still have a deep attachment to one person in my life. One. And I feel very much connected and responsible for our life together. But whether I CBT or not, I've only got a little time left (in years)... So maybe it doesn't matter anyway.

I can relate to that, but I feel ready about tonight.

Hopefully these 2 threads can make you feel a little more at ease. I am in no way pushing you to ctb, I hope you know that, but good reference material for when/if that time comes.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/ways-of-making-peace-with-dying.5212/

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/how-to-stay-calm-and-collected.25703/