Covid19 made me suicidal after 3 years

[Breadbfra]

I've been suffering from severe chronic depression since the age of 11* and no psychiatrist has found out why but as time passes I realize it's genetics. I am also treatment resistant, rTMS and rTDCS resistant and the only thing that has worked until now it's ket-amine treatments. Expensive, but they've managed to let me live as a normal person somehow.
Since coroavirus appeared, I started becoming suicidal again. My only goal is to ctb, and I'm filling up a diary where I post pros and cons of various ways of killing yourself. My father also has started to suffer from depression, my cousin's one has worsened and one of my aunts went totally crazy.
The only thing that's stopping me is my girlfriend and my parents. I'd give her a second death to suicide (her mother two years ago) and my mother would go crazy.

 

[Morphosis]

I don't think you're alone there. The effects of grief, fear, social isolation and economic depression will exacerbate or trigger mental health issues and the full impact of that will be seen for a long time to come.
I had completely isolated myself and was living like a recluse for the past year anyway so the lockdown measures actually made no difference to my life.

I do know that the number of calls to suicide helplines literally skyrocketed during the crisis. People who were struggling anyway maybe found this just tipped them over that cliff edge, and other folks with nice "normal" lives have suddenly found themselves losing loved ones, or jobless and economically ruined and can't cope. Not to mention those poor souls on the receiving end of domestic violence or sexual abuse and were suddenly trapped 24/7 with their abuser.

 

[I screwed up]

During this lockdown in my country some States reported close to 300% increase in number of suicides and other have increased the no. Of suicide help lines to manage the increase call load ... But I am sure these lines are of no fucking help , just a sham atleast in my country

 

[Breadbfra]

I don't think you're alone there. The effects of grief, fear, social isolation and economic depression will exacerbate or trigger mental health issues and the full impact of that will be seen for a long time to come.
I had completely isolated myself and was living like a recluse for the past year anyway so the lockdown measures actually made no difference to my life.

I do know that the number of calls to suicide helplines literally skyrocketed during the crisis. People who were struggling anyway maybe found this just tipped them over that cliff edge, and other folks with nice "normal" lives have suddenly found themselves losing loved ones, or jobless and economically ruined and can't cope. Not to mention those poor souls on the receiving end of domestic violence or sexual abuse and were suddenly trapped 24/7 with their abuser.

In this situation I've been more than lucky, economically speaking. The point is that I can't stand going out with someone and thinking he could be infecting me somehow and I'd definitely die due to covid because my immune response would be lower than zero. Or thinking of a second lockdown. There are people in Italy constantly bitching about a second lockdown, a second wave in cases, everyday every hour and I was very sensitive before, so you can imagine now. I've tried to warn the effects of the alarming media and nobody listens to me but okay.
Yesterday I tried partial suspension and it went well. I felt peace for a while.

 

[Morphosis]

The point is that I can't stand going out with someone and thinking he could be infecting me somehow and I'd definitely die due to covid because my immune response would be lower than zero.

Sorry you're under so much stress about it, I think a lot of people worldwide feel the same.
Whereas I'm a bit different....
I've been trying to kill myself for a year and if the virus got me first it would save me having to do the job. I'm not being flippant or blasé, it's just my life is so f**kd up right now that dying from natural causes would be a relief and would prevent any guilt reaction from family re: suicide.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

But still deformity is treated as a "cosmetic problem" people cant even handle staying home for a couple of months. Im forced to stay home my whole life because of social stigma.

 

[Breadbfra]

Sorry you're under so much stress about it, I think a lot of people worldwide feel the same.
Whereas I'm a bit different....
I've been trying to kill myself for a year and if the virus got me first it would save me having to do the job. I'm not being flippant or blasé, it's just my life is so f**kd up right now that dying from natural causes would be a relief and would prevent any guilt reaction from family re: suicide.

I agree with you, to be honest. I'm just scared I'd survive and be at oxygen for life or something else.

 

[Linda]

But still deformity is treated as a "cosmetic problem" people cant even handle staying home for a couple of months. Im forced to stay home my whole life because of social stigma.

You are perfectly entitled to tell me to **** off for this comment. But may I suggest that you are not "forced" by social stigma. It might be more accurate to say that you are allowing social stigma to control your life. They are not quite the same thing. If you decide you are not going to care about what other people think, you may be able to get out, at least among a group of people who get to know you. Once they know you as a person, they will stop caring about what you look like. After a while they won't even notice what you look like. You would have to be tough inside, at least at first, but it would get easier.

 

[Morphosis]

I agree with you, to be honest. I'm just scared I'd survive and be at oxygen for life or something else.

Good point Knowing my luck that's exactly what would happen. I have proved I'm very hard to kill so I would probably just end up with respiratory problems instead!

 

[Breadbfra]

Good point Knowing my luck that's exactly what would happen. I have proved I'm very hard to kill so I would probably just end up with respiratory problems instead!

We will find peace bro sooner or later!

 

[Morphosis]

You are perfectly entitled to tell me to **** off for this comment. But may I suggest that you are not "forced" by social stigma. It might be more accurate to say that you are allowing social stigma to control your life. They are not quite the same thing. If you decide you are not going to care about what other people think, you may be able to get out, at least among a group of people who get to know you. Once they know you as a person, they will stop caring about what you look like. After a while they won't even notice what you look like. You would have to be tough inside, at least at first, but it would get easier.

All very true but people can be extraordinarily cruel and it can be very hard to ignore. I can empathise to a small extent with @Deformationalplagio as I had major surgery 20 years ago resulting in face/ neck scars and paralysis of my mouth. It made people stare and act uncomfortable, I was only 21 and had been quite attractive so it was hard to cope. Tried to get on with my life, had met a gorgeous medical student before the surgery who couldn't run away fast enough afterwards. Then walked in at a party to find people imitating the way I talked and making fun of me, it was incredibly hurtful.
There are decent people in the world but they are few and far between. I'm too sensitive to say it didn't bother me. None of that made me want to CTB though, it probably made me stronger and much more choosy about friends. It was only when my entire life and career fell apart last year that I've finally given up.

 

[Linda]

All very true but people can be extraordinarily cruel and it can be very hard to ignore. I can empathise to a small extent as I had major surgery 20 years ago resulting in face/ neck scars and paralysis of my mouth. It made people stare and act uncomfortable, I was only 21 and had been quite attractive so it was hard to cope. Tried to get on with my life, had met a gorgeous medical student before the surgery who couldn't run away fast enough afterwards. Then walked in at a party to find people imitating the way I talked and making fun of me, it was incredibly hurtful.
There are decent people in the world but they are few and far between. I'm too sensitive to say it didn't bother me. None of that made me want to CTB though, it probably made me stronger and much more choosy about friends. It was only when my entire life and career fell apart last year that I've finally given up.

You are absolutely right, but Deformationalplagio has a stark choice: let this thing destroy him or fight to make a place for himself in the world. There is no way to sugarcoat that. The choice is up to him of course, but I think it would have been wrong of me to let his original post pass without at least pointing out that there is an alternative.

I may finish up with a completely messed up face, including facial palsy, in a few years time, because of a brain tumor. (Or, more precisely, because of side effects of the surgery that would be required to deal with it.) If I do, I'm not going down without a fight.

 

[Morphosis]

You are absolutely right, but Deformationalplagio has a stark choice: let this thing destroy him or fight to make a place for himself in the world. There is no way to sugarcoat that. The choice is up to him of course, but I think it would have been wrong of me to let his original post pass without at least pointing out that there is an alternative.

I may finish up with a completely messed up face, including facial palsy, in a few years time, because of a brain tumor. (Or, more precisely, because of side effects of the surgery that would be required to deal with it.) If I do, I'm not going down without a fight.

You were right, when I read it I just thought I wish there were more people in the world who thought like you do... get to know the person rather than focus on appearance. Some people are shallow heartless bastards though.
Sorry to hear about your tumour, that's rough. My surgery was to remove a tumour (not brain though!) and they f**ked up the facial nerve.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

I have a serious facial

You are perfectly entitled to tell me to **** off for this comment. But may I suggest that you are not "forced" by social stigma. It might be more accurate to say that you are allowing social stigma to control your life. They are not quite the same thing. If you decide you are not going to care about what other people think, you may be able to get out, at least among a group of people who get to know you. Once they know you as a person, they will stop caring about what you look like. After a while they won't even notice what you look like. You would have to be tough inside, at least at first, but it would get easier.

I have a serious deformity not a small one. I dont want to break your bubble of fantasy but people arent that kind as you think they are. Im 28 right now and i tried everything to have contact with people believe me. It doesnt work with people with serious deformitys and i got stabbed twice in my life just because how i looked. I got memed and exposed all arround the world. I got in fights more then i had normal conversations because how i looked. So no i dont let them. People are just that way. You have no clue about what real social isolation is other then just not being able to party because of corona. All those fancy rubbisch words mean nothing to people like me because we know better. Did you know that 1/2000 kids are born with facial disfugerment? Pretty weard that you dont see them more often on the streets then huh? Why would that be? Because all those millions of deformed people really didn't try to fight social stigma? Believe me we tried and most of us dont even get to adulthood so concidering im 28 and still fighting im a pretty though one amongst them. There are some good books on the market written by deformed people. Most people in my shoes wont even last a day im pretty sure of it
I would wish i had facial pa

You are absolutely right, but Deformationalplagio has a stark choice: let this thing destroy him or fight to make a place for himself in the world. There is no way to sugarcoat that. The choice is up to him of course, but I think it would have been wrong of me to let his original post pass without at least pointing out that there is an alternative.

I may finish up with a completely messed up face, including facial palsy, in a few years time, because of a brain tumor. (Or, more precisely, because of side effects of the surgery that would be required to deal with it.) If I do, I'm not going down without a fight.

I would wish i had facial paralysis i would have been the happiest guy in the world. I dont even consider that a deformity though a deformity is skeletal thats just facial disfugerment. this is my deformity only mine is even more severe and my face twisted to the side.. So my nose and chin poins to the side :)

 

[Meditation guide]

So my nose and chin poins to the side :)

Sorry you have been given such a cruel situation by life. I hope you can find some way to compensate somewhat in some way although I know what you must be going through your entire life.

 

[Linda]

I have a serious facial

I have a serious deformity not a small one. I dont want to break your bubble of fantasy but people arent that kind as you think they are. Im 28 right now and i tried everything to have contact with people believe me. It doesnt work with people with serious deformitys and i got stabbed twice in my life just because how i looked. I got memed and exposed all arround the world. I got in fights more then i had normal conversations because how i looked. So no i dont let them. People are just that way. You have no clue about what real social isolation is other then just not being able to party because of corona. All those fancy rubbisch words mean nothing to people like me because we know better. Did you know that 1/2000 kids are born with facial disfugerment? Pretty weard that you dont see them more often on the streets then huh? Why would that be? Because all those millions of deformed people really didn't try to fight social stigma? Believe me we tried and most of us dont even get to adulthood so concidering im 28 and still fighting im a pretty though one amongst them. There are some good books on the market written by deformed people. Most people in my shoes wont even last a day im pretty sure of it
I would wish i had facial pa

I would wish i had facial paralysis i would have been the happiest guy in the world. I dont even consider that a deformity though a deformity is skeletal thats just facial disfugerment. this is my deformity only mine is even more severe and my face twisted to the side.. So my nose and chin poins to the side :)

Thanks for the feedback. Just for the record, facial palsy is not simple "facial paralysis". It can completely change your appearance - and not for the better. As it happens, I do know something about fighting social stigma - I have been doing it for the last 46 years, sometimes at considerable risk to myself - though in my case it has nothing to do with appearance. So I do have at least some credentials when I suggested that confronting the world may be an option My instincts have always been "If you don't like the way the world is, then change the world", but not everyone sees it that way. I know that we are all different, and respond to things in different ways. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles and a lot of people are also going through similar things. While I myself have always been suicidal even before the covid-19 pandemic, this pandemic has exacerbated things in such a way for me as well. As someone who enjoys physical contact, social distancing has been detrimental to me and I hope it isn't something that is a permanent fixture in our lives (some sources claim it is and we will never return back to 'normal' or the pre-covid era, while there are others who claim that things will return to pre-covid era but over a long period of time - like many years). With regards to the economic woes, yes that has hit me as well but not as much as missing out on the things that make life a bit more bearable for me.

 

[I screwed up]

Sorry you're under so much stress about it, I think a lot of people worldwide feel the same.
Whereas I'm a bit different....
I've been trying to kill myself for a year and if the virus got me first it would save me having to do the job. I'm not being flippant or blasé, it's just my life is so f**kd up right now that dying from natural causes would be a relief and would prevent any guilt reaction from family re: suicide.

Exactly my feelings bro .. Wish I could get infected and die but I am too healthy for this to kill me ... Max I will be on a ventilator ...

 

[death becomes her]

All very true but people can be extraordinarily cruel and it can be very hard to ignore. I can empathise to a small extent with @Deformationalplagio as I had major surgery 20 years ago resulting in face/ neck scars and paralysis of my mouth. It made people stare and act uncomfortable, I was only 21 and had been quite attractive so it was hard to cope. Tried to get on with my life, had met a gorgeous medical student before the surgery who couldn't run away fast enough afterwards. Then walked in at a party to find people imitating the way I talked and making fun of me, it was incredibly hurtful.
There are decent people in the world but they are few and far between. I'm too sensitive to say it didn't bother me. None of that made me want to CTB though, it probably made me stronger and much more choosy about friends. It was only when my entire life and career fell apart last year that I've finally given up.

I know that a post on a reply won't fix anything but this break my heart. I just can't believe people would be so cruel. If you ever want to talk more or just talk about anything, feel free to PM me!

 

[Deformationalplagio]

Thanks for the feedback. Just for the record, facial palsy is not simple "facial paralysis". It can completely change your appearance - and not for the better. As it happens, I do know something about fighting social stigma - I have been doing it for the last 46 years, sometimes at considerable risk to myself - though in my case it has nothing to do with appearance. So I do have at least some credentials when I suggested that confronting the world may be an option My instincts have always been "If you don't like the way the world is, then change the world", but not everyone sees it that way. I know that we are all different, and respond to things in different ways. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

I know a couple of people with facial palsy im in a support group for people with facial disfugerment/deformity's. Its not a fun thing to have no but a skeletal malformation looks way worse tbh also there are a lot of surgerys available for facial palsy but not for comolicated skull malformations exept if its due closed sutures then you are lucky. Plagiocephaly is actually a visual combination of facial palsy, hemificial microsomnia, goldenhar syndrome and craniosynostose. But we still have normal ears and our flesh still looks kind of ok. In my support group there is only one who got a worse deformity imo and its neurofibrannustosis. Plagio is quite dangerous too because there isnt much scientific research done into it because it only something thats became more common the last century and most only reach adulthood now. For me it cause my lungs to get perforated couple of times. It also causes bad scoliosis. This kid is someone with severe plagiocephaly and yes its a front picture her neck isnt twisted. The skull just grew like that arround the axis. :)

 

[falloutcarter13]

I wish I could catch covid and be one of the fatal stats. I look at the statistics every day and feel wistful, wishing I could join the ranks of the dead. I'm sure its not the most pleasant way to go, but I'd trade some suffering for not having to hurt my family with doing it myself.

 

[Linda]

You were right, when I read it I just thought I wish there were more people in the world who thought like you do... get to know the person rather than focus on appearance. Some people are shallow heartless bastards though.
Sorry to hear about your tumour, that's rough. My surgery was to remove a tumour (not brain though!) and they f**ked up the facial nerve.

I know a couple of people with facial palsy im in a support group for people with facial disfugerment/deformity's. Its not a fun thing to have no but a skeletal malformation looks way worse tbh also there are a lot of surgerys available for facial palsy but not for comolicated skull malformations exept if its due closed sutures then you are lucky. Plagiocephaly is actually a visual combination of facial palsy, hemificial microsomnia, goldenhar syndrome and craniosynostose. But we still have normal ears and our flesh still looks kind of ok. In my support group there is only one who got a worse deformity imo and its neurofibrannustosis. Plagio is quite dangerous too because there isnt much scientific research done into it because it only something thats became more common the last century and most only reach adulthood now. For me it cause my lungs to get perforated couple of times. It also causes bad scoliosis. This kid is someone with severe plagiocephaly and yes its a front picture her neck isnt twisted. The skull just grew like that arround the axis. :)

Thanks for the information. Obviously it's a condition you could definitely do without. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but if I looked like that kid I would still get out there. But that's just me. If I hadn't been willing to confront the world and fight, I would have been dead decades ago. (I don't want to go into details. They are not relevant to this site.) But as I said earlier, we are all different. What works for me may not work for you. Good luck.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

Thanks for the information. Obviously it's a condition you could definitely do without. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but if I looked like that kid I would still get out there. But that's just me. If I hadn't been willing to confront the world and fight, I would have been dead decades ago. (I don't want to go into details. They are not relevant to this site.) But as I said earlier, we are all different. What works for me may not work for you. Good luck.

I wished i could say the same but im not having fun in this life. So there is no point in torturing myself any futher

 

[Meditation guide]

I wished i could say the same but im not having fun in this life.

Have you ever heard of a guy they call "Halfie"? He is a seemingly happy popular guy. Google that name if not.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

Have you ever heard of a guy they call "Halfie"? He is a seemingly happy popular guy. Google that name if not.

Cant find it

Have you ever heard of a guy they call "Halfie"? He is a seemingly happy popular guy. Google that name if not.

Found him. But sorry doesnt come close to my deformity his face isnt affected at all would be happy in his shoes too. He can grt an implant if he wanted to tho

Have you ever heard of a guy they call "Halfie"? He is a seemingly happy popular guy. Google that name if not.

This is a sample of my deformity blue line circle represents where my neck kind of sits. Kind regards