Kerock
Member
- Apr 10, 2023
- 58
Ey y'all I've been a lurker here for about a year or so. As the name suggests I'm a larper for the military. Growing up I've always dreamed of joining the US Special Forces. From what at first was a naive childhood dream, it soon became desperation after if fucked up my highschool education and basically didn't get into any colleges I applied for and was forced to stay with my abusive parents for an extra 2 years. But before all that lemme tell you who I am. Hello my name is MilLarper. I'm a soon to be 20 year old male in community college studying for aerospace engineering and have been(conditionally accepted) to some really good unis. My family isn't poor and is kinda well off actually, and both my parents love me unconditionally. Y'all might think "the fucks this dude is doing on this forum" and honestly I do sympathize the sentiment. And although I portray myself as a fun loving class clown who is pretty smart. Deep down I'm really just a depressed weirdo who has an obsessesion dying a violent and sudden death in battle during war due to my jaded immasculinity. Someone who has a porn addiction in order to cope with depression and my lack of intimacy, despite knowing and suffering it's consequences. And a lazy selfish bastard whose only gotten this far in life on the backs of others. And although I was fairly depressed and suicidal most of my life, COVID and the subsequent quarantine really ramped up my descent downwards. And despite getting into good unis, I honestly dont see myself passing or getting my admission rescinded due to not meeting certain requirements. I have an older sister who I failed to protect from both my dad and ex bf. And I don't really give a shit about my dog that much anymore. I'm just here to actually for once speak my heart out about who I am and let y'all judge me for it. So now that the intro is out of the way lemme start my life story
Childhood
Growing up in a conservative Asian household fucking sucks. But honestly those were the best years of my life. You see people say "oh the 2000s" were the best years of humanity. Be it the shows, the lack of cancel culture in media and entertainment, or how the internet wasn't shit and the economy was fine. Contractions say "oh your just looking life with rose tinted glasses" but no the 2000s was a time where people used the internet to be free and communicate with others without scrutiny. But besides that massive Tangent, my childhood was bad, but compared to now it seemed to have been heaven. I played a lot, had a lot of friends, wasn't bullied much, and the only person I had to stay away was my dad. I'd get frequently beaten for having bad handwriting or for not speaking clearly(my dad calls it "blabbering"). Yeah me and my sis fought alot and but it's siblings. My mom only beaten me twice during that time. Once for being naked and playing on the bed( she slashed me with a metal ruler that left a scar on my thigh) and another time she broke my arm. But I was still more scared of my dad because he'd get irrationally angry and used a lot of personal insults and compared me and my sis to animals and would frequently hit us the most. School was tough because I once got a seizure and was placed as section 504 so I frequently was taken away from class and forced to study 1 on 1 with another adult and that was pretty depressing. being isolated but not really understanding why from your friends. Aswell as not immediately understanding certain subjects like math or grammar while everyone else coasts ahead. I remember being really sad and disappointed in myself everytime I lagged behind my peers. But boy I never realized how bad things could get
Teenage/pre teen years
When I became a teen and entered my 7th grade, I loved houses. I lost a lot of friends but I soon came to realize That they weren't as close to me as I was close to them. Which was fine. I was able to immediately start making new friends here(some of which I'm still very close to this day). Middleschool was okay. I lagged behind my friends in mathematics like algebra 1 and geometry. But I started playing soccer a lot during recess time and lunch and I had a lot of fun. At this point school has become and escape for me since at home it's always just been yelling matches and beating between my dad and everyone else in my family. This slowly just drove me into insanity and is when my depression and suicidal ideation started. I wish I could be more specific but it's mostly a haze as being afraid of my hostile dad who would get easily angered became a new norm for me. It's when highschool started when I started having dreams of joining the US special forces and making something of myself. During highschool I did poorly. Not like I was dumb and was always close to flunking out. But more like my potential was being wasted because of home and me using school as an escape. I eventually joined a US military vets discord and I made some online friends there and i began seriously considering joining the US Special Forces. It's also during this time I lost alot of weight from a tonsil surgery which made me not eat food for a while. So I started working out, running alot, and watching military motivation videos and alot of war videos. And if I really wanted to do college I can do community college and save some money(boy was I dumb and VERY VERY wrong). I was constantly on edge at home and I couldn't sleep at all. That's when I started to frequently watch and jack off to lesbian porn(because I thought seeing any dick/male in a porn video was weird and disgusting, and I'm mega straight…..ironic) watching and ejaculating to porn soon became the only way I could sleep and also puberty so i was very horny. Junior year of highschool is the verifiable point of where both my mental and physical happiness and well being peaked. I had close friends and others I frequent hung out after school, did decent in my classes, and my dad stayed late outside of the house with work. Then quarantine happened and turned everything upside down and ruined my fucking life. I disctinctly remember how one of my friends said "hey with covid quarantine ending school, we can hang out more and have even more fun!" BOY WAS BOTH HIM AND I WERE FUCKING WRONG. Senior year of highschool and doing it online at home was ducking dreadful. My sister and my dad would get into violent fights and arguments almost every single fucking day. And I had to intervene on some occasions during online class sessions. My college apps were busy and I had to argue with my parents with not sending me to a really bad 4 year uni and paying a lot of money and just let me go to a community colllege instead. I now had to argue and fight with my sister on why that community college is good for me(part of me believes I shouldave listens to her). But it's during and after quarantine where I truly spiral and how I ended up here.
Quarantine and community college, being stuck at home nearly 24/7 everyday every hour
As the title suggest, I was basically isolated from my friends and only had porn and online friends from discord to give me solace. I didn't do aswell in my first year of community college though not as bad in highschool. And my afflicting lesbian porn addiction eventually morphed into sissy/forced femdom porn addiction. This was due to me getting disillusioned with my dream with joining the military, not excercise and thus becoming pretty fat and pathetic, and me never having a girlfriend in my life. There have been occasions where a girl crushed/liked me but I never noticed/developed it into an actual intimate relationship. Aswell as the fact my existing low self esteem and self hate pushed me to use sissy porn as a form of mental self harm/punishment aswell as sexual pleasure as a cope. I'm still afflicted to it this day. At first I had some success with nofap. But after I wasn't able to protect my sister from her abusive ex despite very obvious warning signs and red flags, sealed my fate and sexuality to sissy femdom. It made me even more suicidal. And every time/moment I have a single thought where I'm fantasizing having a genuine and comforting intimate moment with a female partner. I imagine myself getting curb stomped or my head getting caved in via baseball bat. Because I fear I will hurt my partner more and that physical/mental hurt would put me into even more despair. Despite me online persona saying ima try be a single fuckboy that does drugs and will fuck anyone, I'm really just a pathetic virgin whose never done more than 12 shots of vodka in his entire life. And then another major turning point is when my doctor diagnosed me with high cholesterol and honestly that doctors diagnosis was the straw that broke the camels back. I suffered through so much shit. I did a lot of excercise. I tried being different from being my parents by eating and acting differently. Only for my body to really be no different if not worse than my parents. I fucking caved in and gave up. I've began ditching college classes and dropping em. I eventually saw a school counselor to get me medical withdrawal from my ditched classes and immediately stopped seeing her once I got it. At first I had a live fast die young mindset but now I don't care anymore. My dad is asking why I'm being distant and emotionally selfish/stunted when he's the fucking reason behind everything. My mom threatened to committ suicide if I ever joined the us military and drop out of college. And my sister believes me and her will stick together and face the world together(she's sorely mistake). And that's where I am at life. Tired. Stressed out. And too scared to be in a relationship because I will give a fuck and could become like my dad and be abusive, while also bullying myself for being pathetic and being into sissy porn. Why did covid have to happen. Why the fuck was I even born. Why didn't I committ suicide in middle school. Or at least call CPS. I'll never know. The only thing I do know is that the latest I'll die is when I'm 40. But right now grabbing a knife and stabbing my neck instead of bashing my head against the wall seems to be on my mind and is tempting. Feel free to reply or ask questions. Hope to CtB via knife to the neck.
Childhood
Growing up in a conservative Asian household fucking sucks. But honestly those were the best years of my life. You see people say "oh the 2000s" were the best years of humanity. Be it the shows, the lack of cancel culture in media and entertainment, or how the internet wasn't shit and the economy was fine. Contractions say "oh your just looking life with rose tinted glasses" but no the 2000s was a time where people used the internet to be free and communicate with others without scrutiny. But besides that massive Tangent, my childhood was bad, but compared to now it seemed to have been heaven. I played a lot, had a lot of friends, wasn't bullied much, and the only person I had to stay away was my dad. I'd get frequently beaten for having bad handwriting or for not speaking clearly(my dad calls it "blabbering"). Yeah me and my sis fought alot and but it's siblings. My mom only beaten me twice during that time. Once for being naked and playing on the bed( she slashed me with a metal ruler that left a scar on my thigh) and another time she broke my arm. But I was still more scared of my dad because he'd get irrationally angry and used a lot of personal insults and compared me and my sis to animals and would frequently hit us the most. School was tough because I once got a seizure and was placed as section 504 so I frequently was taken away from class and forced to study 1 on 1 with another adult and that was pretty depressing. being isolated but not really understanding why from your friends. Aswell as not immediately understanding certain subjects like math or grammar while everyone else coasts ahead. I remember being really sad and disappointed in myself everytime I lagged behind my peers. But boy I never realized how bad things could get
Teenage/pre teen years
When I became a teen and entered my 7th grade, I loved houses. I lost a lot of friends but I soon came to realize That they weren't as close to me as I was close to them. Which was fine. I was able to immediately start making new friends here(some of which I'm still very close to this day). Middleschool was okay. I lagged behind my friends in mathematics like algebra 1 and geometry. But I started playing soccer a lot during recess time and lunch and I had a lot of fun. At this point school has become and escape for me since at home it's always just been yelling matches and beating between my dad and everyone else in my family. This slowly just drove me into insanity and is when my depression and suicidal ideation started. I wish I could be more specific but it's mostly a haze as being afraid of my hostile dad who would get easily angered became a new norm for me. It's when highschool started when I started having dreams of joining the US special forces and making something of myself. During highschool I did poorly. Not like I was dumb and was always close to flunking out. But more like my potential was being wasted because of home and me using school as an escape. I eventually joined a US military vets discord and I made some online friends there and i began seriously considering joining the US Special Forces. It's also during this time I lost alot of weight from a tonsil surgery which made me not eat food for a while. So I started working out, running alot, and watching military motivation videos and alot of war videos. And if I really wanted to do college I can do community college and save some money(boy was I dumb and VERY VERY wrong). I was constantly on edge at home and I couldn't sleep at all. That's when I started to frequently watch and jack off to lesbian porn(because I thought seeing any dick/male in a porn video was weird and disgusting, and I'm mega straight…..ironic) watching and ejaculating to porn soon became the only way I could sleep and also puberty so i was very horny. Junior year of highschool is the verifiable point of where both my mental and physical happiness and well being peaked. I had close friends and others I frequent hung out after school, did decent in my classes, and my dad stayed late outside of the house with work. Then quarantine happened and turned everything upside down and ruined my fucking life. I disctinctly remember how one of my friends said "hey with covid quarantine ending school, we can hang out more and have even more fun!" BOY WAS BOTH HIM AND I WERE FUCKING WRONG. Senior year of highschool and doing it online at home was ducking dreadful. My sister and my dad would get into violent fights and arguments almost every single fucking day. And I had to intervene on some occasions during online class sessions. My college apps were busy and I had to argue with my parents with not sending me to a really bad 4 year uni and paying a lot of money and just let me go to a community colllege instead. I now had to argue and fight with my sister on why that community college is good for me(part of me believes I shouldave listens to her). But it's during and after quarantine where I truly spiral and how I ended up here.
Quarantine and community college, being stuck at home nearly 24/7 everyday every hour
As the title suggest, I was basically isolated from my friends and only had porn and online friends from discord to give me solace. I didn't do aswell in my first year of community college though not as bad in highschool. And my afflicting lesbian porn addiction eventually morphed into sissy/forced femdom porn addiction. This was due to me getting disillusioned with my dream with joining the military, not excercise and thus becoming pretty fat and pathetic, and me never having a girlfriend in my life. There have been occasions where a girl crushed/liked me but I never noticed/developed it into an actual intimate relationship. Aswell as the fact my existing low self esteem and self hate pushed me to use sissy porn as a form of mental self harm/punishment aswell as sexual pleasure as a cope. I'm still afflicted to it this day. At first I had some success with nofap. But after I wasn't able to protect my sister from her abusive ex despite very obvious warning signs and red flags, sealed my fate and sexuality to sissy femdom. It made me even more suicidal. And every time/moment I have a single thought where I'm fantasizing having a genuine and comforting intimate moment with a female partner. I imagine myself getting curb stomped or my head getting caved in via baseball bat. Because I fear I will hurt my partner more and that physical/mental hurt would put me into even more despair. Despite me online persona saying ima try be a single fuckboy that does drugs and will fuck anyone, I'm really just a pathetic virgin whose never done more than 12 shots of vodka in his entire life. And then another major turning point is when my doctor diagnosed me with high cholesterol and honestly that doctors diagnosis was the straw that broke the camels back. I suffered through so much shit. I did a lot of excercise. I tried being different from being my parents by eating and acting differently. Only for my body to really be no different if not worse than my parents. I fucking caved in and gave up. I've began ditching college classes and dropping em. I eventually saw a school counselor to get me medical withdrawal from my ditched classes and immediately stopped seeing her once I got it. At first I had a live fast die young mindset but now I don't care anymore. My dad is asking why I'm being distant and emotionally selfish/stunted when he's the fucking reason behind everything. My mom threatened to committ suicide if I ever joined the us military and drop out of college. And my sister believes me and her will stick together and face the world together(she's sorely mistake). And that's where I am at life. Tired. Stressed out. And too scared to be in a relationship because I will give a fuck and could become like my dad and be abusive, while also bullying myself for being pathetic and being into sissy porn. Why did covid have to happen. Why the fuck was I even born. Why didn't I committ suicide in middle school. Or at least call CPS. I'll never know. The only thing I do know is that the latest I'll die is when I'm 40. But right now grabbing a knife and stabbing my neck instead of bashing my head against the wall seems to be on my mind and is tempting. Feel free to reply or ask questions. Hope to CtB via knife to the neck.
