Counting the Days and Method

[Heading to Darkness]

I previously posted that i would ctb on November 30th,I have changed this to December 6th. The only reason for this is that i lost my first daughter that day in 1986,she was only a few hours old. So I simply feel its a fitting date. Due the difficulty of finding sources of materials in the u.k i shall be taking a small out from my favourite beach and i have a suitable weight to hold me down, i will be medicating and taking some alcohol for the first time in a long time. I'm at peace and have started a daily video log as i said before, in the hope anyone who wants to understand my journey will be able to see it. I'm hoping to make a last post as i go with suitably waterproof gear.
All I want people to understand is that i am of sound mind, I have thought it all through, and it has to be. I hope all the S.S. community understand this too, it is our right to choose
Thanks for reading

 

[Heading to Darkness]

Part of the problem when trying to explain to people that you are actually going to vanish from their world is their reactions. Today i hit a bit of an issue over seeing my children on Christmas day, basically saying because her parents are visiting i wont be able to see them (that would be for the first time in 18 years i haven't seen them) So a dilema, she hasnt really understood my previous suicide attempts and frankly never offered any support, so if i now tell her my exit plan means i won't be around to worry about it anyway she will just say I'm being dramatic etc. etc. But they need to know so it's not a shock at the end So for the time being on my blog I'm just going to say ok thats fine I'll see them another day in the holidays (whilst raging underneath because if I was alive I'd be raging!) I can't give too much notice anyway in case she does alert someone so my thinking now is not to give notice until the day and the process has started as I'll be a long way off too.They will have the blog/vlog to explain, thats the best i can think of.
So 1 month in which I've planned a few visits to people i will always care about, just for hugs really as we are all separated by distance, the days will fly by now and I'm at peace with it all
I hope you all can find this peace too

 

[Heading to Darkness]

My plan yesterday didnt quite go, well as my plan. I've just finished my vlog and i haven't had my meds for a few days, i ran out and waiting for more, i think i need them more than i realised. I can't say much today as I'm upset and very angry, i want to stick to my ctb date of DEcember 6th and don't want to die angry but there is only so far people can push you, i'm restless can't sleep keep pacing around as the rage within is growing. Sorry to rant give me strength to stick to the path

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans, I hope that when the time feels right for you to leave you find the freedom you search for.

 

[Heading to Darkness]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans, I hope that when the time feels right for you to leave you find the freedom you search for.

I have my date. I find that making the vlog is incredibly eye opening to my inner self and although difficult i will continue it daily if no one ever sees it at least it will have helped me with my peace, I hope you find yours

 

[Heading to Darkness]

Made myself useful today created new youtube channel

 

[Heading to Darkness]

really not sure i can last until my chosen date, i mentioned this on my channel today(its not very good, im just rambling thoughts really) something very strong keeps drawimg me towards my collection of very sharp knives (use in my trade) which would be a complete departure from the plan which i am really want to keep. does anyone else just find sheer exhaustion just makes you more ready to let go?

 

[Heading to Darkness]

my new ctb date 16th November reasons given elsewhere on here i'm so tired now, living feels too much effort, i don't know how people keep on going
If i wim the lottery tonight ill buy my end in where it is legal and donate something to this site too
keep strong everyone