Counterproductive

[Treeline589]

I have been suicidal ever since I was 11. I am now in my mid forties. Lately, all I have been thinking about is CTB. When anyone says anything about the future I just agree or nod and in the back of my head tell myself it won't matter because I won't be alive.

I discovered this site about a month and a half ago. I also have a therapist that I work closely with and trust with my thoughts about suicide. I have been honest with him about my thoughts. I have been pretty honest in therapy about this site. I haven't named it but I have talked about it. Tonight in therapy my therapist told me the most counterproductive thing I could do is to go to therapy and also research methods. But what if they both give me comfort? The therapy because I guess I still have hopes things will get better and the methods in the fact that I have a way out.

 

[Angi]

Tonight in therapy my therapist told me the most counterproductive thing I could do is to go to therapy and also research methods.

Hm, sounds like he just told you not to go to therapy anymore just kidding. Could he just be worried about you? Maybe he thinks researching methods will drive you closer to killing yourself.

I share your feeling though, I find it very comforting to plan my way out.

 

[Depressed Cat]

Your therapist (even though he means well, and despite the fact that you trust him) does not completely understand your mental state of being. Therapists and psychiatrists very rarely understand their patients completely. They have been trained to look at our conditions from a psychological or psychiatric point of view. Nothing wrong with that of course, but unless they've been in your shoes and felt the same way, they wouldn't completely understand how you feel or why you do what you do.

He is worried that you may take a step (or more) closer to CTB by researching methods, thereby making his therapeutic work all the more difficult. Which is perfectly understandable from his point of view.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with researching methods even while taking treatment or therapy, if that is what gives you comfort. I've been doing the same now (even obtained SN) while giving psychiatric medicines a chance to work, and have done the same in the past as well on more than one occasion (researched and obtained a few different means of CTB).

So do what you feel like doing (researching methods) if that gives you comfort or trust your therapist's words and stop doing it if you feel that is a better course of action. It's up to you to decide.

 

[timf]

Researching methods can provide a sense of control that can stave off anxieties. However, there is a risk that one can come to feel the reduction of anxiety as confirmation of a plan.

Some can come to see anorexia or even cutting also as anti-anxiety control methods.Often what becomes established are short-term gains at long-term risks.

It may be a good idea to work on cultivating alternative healthier control mechanisms for the relief of anxiety.