NoOneLovesMiMi
Just Me
- May 27, 2023
- 114
So it's 5 a.m. and I have a little anxiety.
My hives are finally going away.
The itching and pain was really intense this time. In a few hours I go to the doctor for a follow up and to fill out my FMLA.
I'm dreading it because my first appointment with her wasn't in my opinion good.
But I didn't have time to find a new doctor so I have to go back.
It's amazing how people really see me as fine or assured when really I'm like a timid child inside. I taught myself to mask so well.
Something I didn't mention was during my breakdown I called a suicide hotline.
Surprisingly she was very attentive in her listening and her voice was soothing. They offered me a free assessment. At first I said no. But the next day they called me to ask again buy I agreed. I didn't make it because my hives became worse so I just wanted to focus on resting and taking medicine.
Well now I'm up because all these thoughts running through my mind of what will I do.
I don't think anything can be worse than fighting for a life you don't want.
When I was younger I really tried. I tried going to school...tried to be close to family..tried making friends...tried being in love...tried loving myself.
Well I'm not smart so I've failed every attempt at school.
My family is not a family. Not the kind I wanted. Once I realized that I gave up. Once I was able to move away not only did I realize it more but I started making peace with that. Falling in love wasn't for me So I accepted that. I made a deal with God that if I never fall in love that if he could just make other parts of my life better I will be fine with that. I used to be so sad and confused on why I wasn't loved. But now I find it funny how my mind has changed. And the friends...I haven't had not one friend who didn't leave me. Never got an excuse..never got a reason...I didn't do any betraying but I always got left.
And being older I will say as you look back on everything you're able to not care as much.
You understand and have empathy even with hurt feelings. So it's this gray area of not really being over it but over it enough that I never chased or begged anyone to stay in my life. Or tell me why we weren't working. I did that twice as a teen and a young woman and I suppose the feeling of doing that traumatized me enough that I never did it again. In my mind Once I attempt to let bygones be bygones and be cool...if I'm not seeing and feeling it from you I just ease out.
Well that has led me to complete isolation.
And it's gray as well because it's hard but it's safe. You feel free and no pressure. It's extremely comfortable and peaceful.
Nonetheless I feel angry with God because had he let me die when I was 13 I wouldn't even be going through any of this.
My life is horrible to the outside and I'm grateful for my few victories. But I don't want this life and never had.
I used to be really hard on myself but my god from the age of 7 to 42 I've been fighting for this life. No wonder I'm tired.
So now here I am again thinking of a plan. Obviously my plan will be painful...possibly. But if it works that's all that matters.
That's the most terrifying part is if it doesn't work.
I could damage my health even more and I definitely can't handle that.
My incontinence issues...body aches and now the return of my hives got me stressed out. So people who have real medical issues or disabilities and are so full of life and optimism is not me.
Now the other method could work but I've said often I'm not smart so if I could figure it out...it may take time and patience but it also could work.
And while I have the money I should try it.
So if anyone got this far I guess you're wondering the methods.
First method...Antifreeze
It's odorless
It was said that it's tasteless or sweet but I believe a bitter has been added to it. But if you drink enough..about less than 2 tablespoons you could die in 3 days. So if you don't die immediately you will die later but can you take the pain and side effects that come with it.
The next method...I call it the Conrad method. You put a water pump in the car and turn it on and wait. This was from the trial where Conrad..a young man who wanted to die did just this. While he did it he was texting a girl who knew all his plans and basically talked him through it. When he began to second guess himself she told him to get back in the car. He did and he died.
They blamed her for his death.
Since I do have a little time...that method is the one I want.
I'm just nervous because either one could work as long as no one comes looking for me and trying to save me.
Even if I write a DNR they may ignore that.
What would you try?
My hives are finally going away.
The itching and pain was really intense this time. In a few hours I go to the doctor for a follow up and to fill out my FMLA.
I'm dreading it because my first appointment with her wasn't in my opinion good.
But I didn't have time to find a new doctor so I have to go back.
It's amazing how people really see me as fine or assured when really I'm like a timid child inside. I taught myself to mask so well.
Something I didn't mention was during my breakdown I called a suicide hotline.
Surprisingly she was very attentive in her listening and her voice was soothing. They offered me a free assessment. At first I said no. But the next day they called me to ask again buy I agreed. I didn't make it because my hives became worse so I just wanted to focus on resting and taking medicine.
Well now I'm up because all these thoughts running through my mind of what will I do.
I don't think anything can be worse than fighting for a life you don't want.
When I was younger I really tried. I tried going to school...tried to be close to family..tried making friends...tried being in love...tried loving myself.
Well I'm not smart so I've failed every attempt at school.
My family is not a family. Not the kind I wanted. Once I realized that I gave up. Once I was able to move away not only did I realize it more but I started making peace with that. Falling in love wasn't for me So I accepted that. I made a deal with God that if I never fall in love that if he could just make other parts of my life better I will be fine with that. I used to be so sad and confused on why I wasn't loved. But now I find it funny how my mind has changed. And the friends...I haven't had not one friend who didn't leave me. Never got an excuse..never got a reason...I didn't do any betraying but I always got left.
And being older I will say as you look back on everything you're able to not care as much.
You understand and have empathy even with hurt feelings. So it's this gray area of not really being over it but over it enough that I never chased or begged anyone to stay in my life. Or tell me why we weren't working. I did that twice as a teen and a young woman and I suppose the feeling of doing that traumatized me enough that I never did it again. In my mind Once I attempt to let bygones be bygones and be cool...if I'm not seeing and feeling it from you I just ease out.
Well that has led me to complete isolation.
And it's gray as well because it's hard but it's safe. You feel free and no pressure. It's extremely comfortable and peaceful.
Nonetheless I feel angry with God because had he let me die when I was 13 I wouldn't even be going through any of this.
My life is horrible to the outside and I'm grateful for my few victories. But I don't want this life and never had.
I used to be really hard on myself but my god from the age of 7 to 42 I've been fighting for this life. No wonder I'm tired.
So now here I am again thinking of a plan. Obviously my plan will be painful...possibly. But if it works that's all that matters.
That's the most terrifying part is if it doesn't work.
I could damage my health even more and I definitely can't handle that.
My incontinence issues...body aches and now the return of my hives got me stressed out. So people who have real medical issues or disabilities and are so full of life and optimism is not me.
Now the other method could work but I've said often I'm not smart so if I could figure it out...it may take time and patience but it also could work.
And while I have the money I should try it.
So if anyone got this far I guess you're wondering the methods.
First method...Antifreeze
It's odorless
It was said that it's tasteless or sweet but I believe a bitter has been added to it. But if you drink enough..about less than 2 tablespoons you could die in 3 days. So if you don't die immediately you will die later but can you take the pain and side effects that come with it.
The next method...I call it the Conrad method. You put a water pump in the car and turn it on and wait. This was from the trial where Conrad..a young man who wanted to die did just this. While he did it he was texting a girl who knew all his plans and basically talked him through it. When he began to second guess himself she told him to get back in the car. He did and he died.
They blamed her for his death.
Since I do have a little time...that method is the one I want.
I'm just nervous because either one could work as long as no one comes looking for me and trying to save me.
Even if I write a DNR they may ignore that.
What would you try?
