Venting Couldn’t sleep and Over it.

[SerenitySeeker]

Third night this week I've laid in bed and just cried.. like soul wrenching, exhausted at the end of it cried. And i'm finding more and more that in these moments I want to be impulsive and just CTB immediately. I'm finding it harder and harder to find reasons not to be impulsive which scares me tbh. I know ctb'ing really is my only option at the end of the day but I'm still trying to work through the emotions that come with ending your life, making sure I'm at peace with a method, etc. So I thought I'd write down somethings to help me get my thoughts together and maybe vent a little.

I've suffered from severe major depression and anxiety, I would say majority of my life. I've done therapy since I was 15 years old (currently in my early 30's) and I've done almost almost every combination of anti-depressants one could think of between the ages of (15-25) until I finally quit cold turkey because they did more harm than good. I realized earlier on, for me; depression wouldn't be something I could all together shake.. that in order to have any quality of life I'd just have to treat it the best I could and compartmentalize the rest (Not the best way to go about it). I wanted to ctb very earlier on after experiencing my first major depressive episode, but for the sake of not wanting to hurt my loved ones and not really having the serious means to do it... I only did small gestures (taking pills, but not in any amount or combination that could hurt me). So I've went through life, trying to have some resemblance of happiness and contentment but it always alluding me and in more ways than one my depression and anxiety taking the lead and wrecking everything in its path.
The straw that broke the camel's back is when I began having physical health issues, no doubt in my mind that it stems from long-term stress of living with mental health issues. And now I just feel done in a way that I have never felt before and also anger at myself for letting it get this far. Everyone in my life is so use to me "bouncing" back or just barreling through bullshit to keep being here and I have no interest doing that anymore. I wish so badly that I had've ctb a long time ago because I never wanted to experience things getting this bad. It just feels like it was all for nothing at this point. The life that I wanted for myself won't happen. I know this for a fact now and I think that feeling of really getting to a point where you have 0 hope or even false hope left is as rock bottom as you can get. I wish no one would ever have to experience that.

 

[BlueWidow]

I completely understand your sentiment that everyone in your life is used to you bouncing back and now it's just automatically expected of you. I think a lot of people around me have the same idea. I've always managed to bounce back from everything, but there comes a point when you're just tired of bouncing back and there seems to be no reason to. If I look back on it, my life is an entire series of doing just that- bouncing back and overcoming one problem after another. After a while, I just begin to wonder what's the point of it? If this is all life is, and in my case it's been going on for 50 years now, what's the point of continuing on? Who wants to live like this? You are also correct that if you have physical challenges on top of mental or emotional challenges that you've already been dealing with for a long time, it all just begins to become overwhelming. I'm also experiencing that. People just expect you to go on no matter what happens to you.

 

[Janebb]

Third night this week I've laid in bed and just cried.. like soul wrenching, exhausted at the end of it cried. And i'm finding more and more that in these moments I want to be impulsive and just CTB immediately. I'm finding it harder and harder to find reasons not to be impulsive which scares me tbh. I know ctb'ing really is my only option at the end of the day but I'm still trying to work through the emotions that come with ending your life, making sure I'm at peace with a method, etc. So I thought I'd write down somethings to help me get my thoughts together and maybe vent a little.

I've suffered from severe major depression and anxiety, I would say majority of my life. I've done therapy since I was 15 years old (currently in my early 30's) and I've done almost almost every combination of anti-depressants one could think of between the ages of (15-25) until I finally quit cold turkey because they did more harm than good. I realized earlier on, for me; depression wouldn't be something I could all together shake.. that in order to have any quality of life I'd just have to treat it the best I could and compartmentalize the rest (Not the best way to go about it). I wanted to ctb very earlier on after experiencing my first major depressive episode, but for the sake of not wanting to hurt my loved ones and not really having the serious means to do it... I only did small gestures (taking pills, but not in any amount or combination that could hurt me). So I've went through life, trying to have some resemblance of happiness and contentment but it always alluding me and in more ways than one my depression and anxiety taking the lead and wrecking everything in its path.
The straw that broke the camel's back is when I began having physical health issues, no doubt in my mind that it stems from long-term stress of living with mental health issues. And now I just feel done in a way that I have never felt before and also anger at myself for letting it get this far. Everyone in my life is so use to me "bouncing" back or just barreling through bullshit to keep being here and I have no interest doing that anymore. I wish so badly that I had've ctb a long time ago because I never wanted to experience things getting this bad. It just feels like it was all for nothing at this point. The life that I wanted for myself won't happen. I know this for a fact now and I think that feeling of really getting to a point where you have 0 hope or even false hope left is as rock bottom as you can get. I wish no one would ever have to experience that.

I relate sooo much

 

[noctiva]

Hei @SerenitySeeker, I can relate. My last weeks I've also hardly slept and cried myself through the nights, dragging myself up to work in the morning. I often times also just think 'Screw it, just drink the SN now and be done with it'. It scares me insanely, because my CtB preparations aren't done yet. I still have a few things that I have to do beforehand.
I have also suffered from depression for the majority of my life, I have tried drugs in my early 20s, but to be fair, it made everything worse. It gave me anxiety, it gave me mania in addition, nothing worked in the sense of 'It made the depression better and nothing else worse'. So I decided to not take any drugs anymore, and I haven't for about 9 years (33 now). Went to therapy though, tried to learn to be a better me, work though the childhood traumas, fix my attachment problem, all of it. When I was thrown into a crisis 7 weeks ago, it didn't matter. The work put into trying to become a better version of myself, trying to learn to not be anxiously attached anymore, was a total waste of time and resources. I have come to understand for myself that I cannot become anything better than what I already am, no matter how hard I try. I will always be.. this, this thing that I am. I will never be a better, happier, more stable version of myself. I have run out of hope that I can get better, that my life can get better, that the future I want I obtainable.
Everyone I talk to just wants me to 'bounce back', 'get over it', 'let it go', 'just change'.. they don't understand that it doesn't work like that. 'Bouncing back' requires hope, it requires support in form of love and encouragements, someone who has your back to listen when you're down, someone to share your joyous moments with. There is no 'bouncing back' in isolation, as people want you to. 'You go and fix yourself, and when you're done you can come back and we can have fun!'.. anything, for as long as no one needs to invest energy.
I am sorry that you are experiencing something similar. You are not alone. Feel free to reach out if you want to, I'm happy to listen to you. Take care of yourself as well as you can and be kind to yourself on your journey.

 

[Lilanel]

Third night this week I've laid in bed and just cried.. like soul wrenching, exhausted at the end of it cried. And i'm finding more and more that in these moments I want to be impulsive and just CTB immediately. I'm finding it harder and harder to find reasons not to be impulsive which scares me tbh. I know ctb'ing really is my only option at the end of the day but I'm still trying to work through the emotions that come with ending your life, making sure I'm at peace with a method, etc. So I thought I'd write down somethings to help me get my thoughts together and maybe vent a little.

I've suffered from severe major depression and anxiety, I would say majority of my life. I've done therapy since I was 15 years old (currently in my early 30's) and I've done almost almost every combination of anti-depressants one could think of between the ages of (15-25) until I finally quit cold turkey because they did more harm than good. I realized earlier on, for me; depression wouldn't be something I could all together shake.. that in order to have any quality of life I'd just have to treat it the best I could and compartmentalize the rest (Not the best way to go about it). I wanted to ctb very earlier on after experiencing my first major depressive episode, but for the sake of not wanting to hurt my loved ones and not really having the serious means to do it... I only did small gestures (taking pills, but not in any amount or combination that could hurt me). So I've went through life, trying to have some resemblance of happiness and contentment but it always alluding me and in more ways than one my depression and anxiety taking the lead and wrecking everything in its path.
The straw that broke the camel's back is when I began having physical health issues, no doubt in my mind that it stems from long-term stress of living with mental health issues. And now I just feel done in a way that I have never felt before and also anger at myself for letting it get this far. Everyone in my life is so use to me "bouncing" back or just barreling through bullshit to keep being here and I have no interest doing that anymore. I wish so badly that I had've ctb a long time ago because I never wanted to experience things getting this bad. It just feels like it was all for nothing at this point. The life that I wanted for myself won't happen. I know this for a fact now and I think that feeling of really getting to a point where you have 0 hope or even false hope left is as rock bottom as you can get. I wish no one would ever have to experience that.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. I really understand what you're going through, I've had a similar experience. Long-term depression and suicidal tendencies, which I "bounced back" from, to the point that people always expect me to keep on keeping on. I've sensed impatience from them as well...sort of "oh well, this again?" What they don't seem to get is that every "bounce back" took its toll. As it seems it has with you. The pain doesn't go away, it compounds, and your friends and family get so used to you hiding it away that they no longer see it as a problem.

If you break a glass, and you sweep the pieces under the rug, they're still there. If you keep doing it, over and over, the pile grows under the rug, it doesn't just get crushed to dust. Eventually, it hurts you.

I get the feeling of it being all for nothing. I feel it sometimes too. I try to take a different view of it, that my experiences in life and the hard lessons I've learned have been helpful in my decision to CTB. I don't know if that's true or not, but it helps. I hope, that in the years you've lived, you've had at least a couple of nice moments as well. Whether those are worth the pain, it's up for you to say, but I wouldn't call them nothing either.

 

[SerenitySeeker]

I completely understand your sentiment that everyone in your life is used to you bouncing back and now it's just automatically expected of you. I think a lot of people around me have the same idea. I've always managed to bounce back from everything, but there comes a point when you're just tired of bouncing back and there seems to be no reason to. If I look back on it, my life is an entire series of doing just that- bouncing back and overcoming one problem after another. After a while, I just begin to wonder what's the point of it? If this is all life is, and in my case it's been going on for 50 years now, what's the point of continuing on? Who wants to live like this? You are also correct that if you have physical challenges on top of mental or emotional challenges that you've already been dealing with for a long time, it all just begins to become overwhelming. I'm also experiencing that. People just expect you to go on no matter what happens to you.

Exactly. I've heard everything under the sun about life and its hardships and what other people have been able to deal with and still be here. But at the end of the day, what I wish could be more understood (logically, I know even if they do understand it, they'll either never admit it or still say that life is still worth living and fighting for) is that not everyone has the capacity or even the desire to continuously bounce back over and over and over again. There is only so much one person can take.

Hei @SerenitySeeker, I can relate. My last weeks I've also hardly slept and cried myself through the nights, dragging myself up to work in the morning. I often times also just think 'Screw it, just drink the SN now and be done with it'. It scares me insanely, because my CtB preparations aren't done yet. I still have a few things that I have to do beforehand.
I have also suffered from depression for the majority of my life, I have tried drugs in my early 20s, but to be fair, it made everything worse. It gave me anxiety, it gave me mania in addition, nothing worked in the sense of 'It made the depression better and nothing else worse'. So I decided to not take any drugs anymore, and I haven't for about 9 years (33 now). Went to therapy though, tried to learn to be a better me, work though the childhood traumas, fix my attachment problem, all of it. When I was thrown into a crisis 7 weeks ago, it didn't matter. The work put into trying to become a better version of myself, trying to learn to not be anxiously attached anymore, was a total waste of time and resources. I have come to understand for myself that I cannot become anything better than what I already am, no matter how hard I try. I will always be.. this, this thing that I am. I will never be a better, happier, more stable version of myself. I have run out of hope that I can get better, that my life can get better, that the future I want I obtainable.
Everyone I talk to just wants me to 'bounce back', 'get over it', 'let it go', 'just change'.. they don't understand that it doesn't work like that. 'Bouncing back' requires hope, it requires support in form of love and encouragements, someone who has your back to listen when you're down, someone to share your joyous moments with. There is no 'bouncing back' in isolation, as people want you to. 'You go and fix yourself, and when you're done you can come back and we can have fun!'.. anything, for as long as no one needs to invest energy.
I am sorry that you are experiencing something similar. You are not alone. Feel free to reach out if you want to, I'm happy to listen to you. Take care of yourself as well as you can and be kind to yourself on your journey.

Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this too. I may take you up on that offer and fee free to reach out also.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. I really understand what you're going through, I've had a similar experience. Long-term depression and suicidal tendencies, which I "bounced back" from, to the point that people always expect me to keep on keeping on. I've sensed impatience from them as well...sort of "oh well, this again?" What they don't seem to get is that every "bounce back" took its toll. As it seems it has with you. The pain doesn't go away, it compounds, and your friends and family get so used to you hiding it away that they no longer see it as a problem.

If you break a glass, and you sweep the pieces under the rug, they're still there. If you keep doing it, over and over, the pile grows under the rug, it doesn't just get crushed to dust. Eventually, it hurts you.

I get the feeling of it being all for nothing. I feel it sometimes too. I try to take a different view of it, that my experiences in life and the hard lessons I've learned have been helpful in my decision to CTB. I don't know if that's true or not, but it helps. I hope, that in the years you've lived, you've had at least a couple of nice moments as well. Whether those are worth the pain, it's up for you to say, but I wouldn't call them nothing either.

Great analogy. Thank you for sharing and relating, as I can relate to what you said also.
I definitely have had some good moments and periods which I'm thankful for but also makes me sad because I know that won't happen again or looking back I wish I could go back to those times with what I know now and change this outcome.

 

[hatelife]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. I really understand what you're going through, I've had a similar experience. Long-term depression and suicidal tendencies, which I "bounced back" from, to the point that people always expect me to keep on keeping on. I've sensed impatience from them as well...sort of "oh well, this again?" What they don't seem to get is that every "bounce back" took its toll. As it seems it has with you. The pain doesn't go away, it compounds, and your friends and family get so used to you hiding it away that they no longer see it as a problem.

If you break a glass, and you sweep the pieces under the rug, they're still there. If you keep doing it, over and over, the pile grows under the rug, it doesn't just get crushed to dust. Eventually, it hurts you.

I get the feeling of it being all for nothing. I feel it sometimes too. I try to take a different view of it, that my experiences in life and the hard lessons I've learned have been helpful in my decision to CTB. I don't know if that's true or not, but it helps. I hope, that in the years you've lived, you've had at least a couple of nice moments as well. Whether those are worth the pain, it's up for you to say, but I wouldn't call them nothing either.

I havent even got the energy left to shower or brush my teeth, thats how bad it is somedays

 

[BlueWidow]

I havent even got the energy left to shower or brush my teeth, thats how bad it is somedays

I have the same issues. I have to do things when I have the energy to do them, otherwise I just don't do them. Most mornings, if I'm able to get out of bed, wash my face and put my clothes on, and make it into the other room to make myself a cup of coffee before I feel so exhausted that I have to sit back down or (in some cases) lie back down, it's a good day. Then I sit in my chair or lie in bed for the rest of the day feeling exhausted and dizzy just from doing those few things.

 

[hatelife]

I have the same issues. I have to do things when I have the energy to do them, otherwise I just don't do them. Most mornings, if I'm able to get out of bed, wash my face and put my clothes on, and make it into the other room to make myself a cup of coffee before I feel so exhausted that I have to sit back down or (in some cases) lie back down, it's a good day. Then I sit in my chair or lie in bed for the rest of the day feeling exhausted and dizzy just from doing those few things.

same, im almost in bed all the time, dont do anything else

 

[JimFord99]

same, im almost in bed all the time, dont do anything else

I wish I could do the same. Shit, really. I feel the same but due to work commitments I can't do it.

 

[LMLN]

If I did not have a job I'd be in bed all day. Probably drinking all day. Yikes.

 

[JimFord99]

If I did not have a job I'd be in bed all day. Probably drinking all day. Yikes.

Yeah, me too. I totally understand.