Could the thought of suicide make the present more bearable

[axab43]

I have severe depression right now and a number of horrible conditions which I can't cope with.
If I thought that in a month's time, or whatever time span I felt like at the time, I could end my life... I would be able to spend the next month a lot happier and might be able to enjoy things.

As it is now, I'm just in severe emotional pain every day and can't enjoy anything. Have no confidence in being able to kill myself though. The only method I can think of is partial hanging, because celebrities like Michael Hutchence, Robin Williams, Kate Spade and many others have ended their life that way. It must be possible if they did it, but I'm not sure I'd have the guts.

If someone could do it for me, (though I know that's not possible) ... I would be able to at least enjoy part of the next few months. As it is, at 61, I absolutely dread the next few years. (I also am a Christian, though I've had doubt over the past few years I still do believe. And I don't believe suicide is any greater a "sin" than any other so don't fear anything spiritually after death.)

 

[dinosavr]

It definitely makes reality more bearable. Paradoxically the best months of this year were when I was the most suicidal. Whenever I started thinking that I'm not able to actually take that step and kill myself, it was awful. Because I knew I couldn't make myself do it and yet I didn't feel any kind of positive emotions. I was stuck. I'm really sorry you're going through it :(

 

[paintedwreath]

To be honest not really because I'm very scared of dying but I don't want to live. I'm just stuck in this awful purgatory. I feel so incredibly trapped

 

[axab43]

It definitely makes reality more bearable. Paradoxically the best months of this year were when I was the most suicidal. Whenever I started thinking that I'm not able to actually take that step and kill myself, it was awful. Because I knew I couldn't make myself do it and yet I didn't feel any kind of positive emotions. I was stuck. I'm really sorry you're going through it :(

exactly. I have been the same. If I think I could do it and there would be an end, I would be able to enjoy now. It is the same if we were really old and only had a year or two left to live... it would seem easier. It is the feeling trapped here for a long time with unbearable emotions that is the horrible part. I'm sorry you are feeling that too. I hope you find some relief, even if it only temporary. I don't even get pleasure from things I used to enjoy any more.

To be honest not really because I'm very scared of dying but I don't want to live. I'm just stuck in this awful purgatory. I feel so incredibly trapped

That is the word... trapped. I'm not scared of dying as even though my faith has struggled a lot over the past few years, I still have it. I am scared of the process of dying as it seems so difficult but as I said in my post, a lot of people seem to kill themselves easily, even accidentally (like partial hanging etc.)

 

[paintedwreath]

exactly. I have been the same. If I think I could do it and there would be an end, I would be able to enjoy now. It is the same if we were really old and only had a year or two left to live... it would seem easier. It is the feeling trapped here for a long time with unbearable emotions that is the horrible part. I'm sorry you are feeling that too. I hope you find some relief, even if it only temporary. I don't even get pleasure from things I used to enjoy any more.

That is the word... trapped. I'm not scared of dying as even though my faith has struggled a lot over the past few years, I still have it. I am scared of the process of dying as it seems so difficult but as I said in my post, a lot of people seem to kill themselves easily, even accidentally (like partial hanging etc.)

Yeah I get you. I think I should rephrase: I'm not scared of dying itself, but I'm scared of pain and failure. Realistically there's only one way I could go out and it's a very iffy method so I just carry on each day

 

[Praestat_Mori]

In my opinion, the thought of suicide can be relieving it can be even more relieving when there's a method at hand.

Death is the relief from all suffering and pain we may have to endure - that's why the thought of suicide is so relieving.

In my case, I like the idea of being able to end my life should it become unbearable or should the circumstances require it.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

This quote from Emil Cioran is the backbone of my "recovery":

"What saved me is the idea of suicide. Without the idea of suicide I would have surely killed myself."

It maintains choice and freedom. In accepting suicide as a valid choice it ironically makes the choice to live stronger. It's our choice either way. I've found this very helpful and has made me feel less forced to live. I still maintain the choice of suicide while currently choosing to live. (I still want to leave when I see fit.)

 

[axab43]

Yeah I get you. I think I should rephrase: I'm not scared of dying itself, but I'm scared of pain and failure. Realistically there's only one way I could go out and it's a very iffy method so I just carry on each day

It does seem so hard to do. And yet so many people do it.

 

[DoMore]

I think there's a classic catch 22 going on here, for me at least, but I think a lot of people may be in a similar situation. That is, they want to ctb but they have neither the knowledge, courage or means to do so, which makes them more depressed and even moreso suicidal. I would imagine knowing that you genuinely do have control over your life would be comforting.

 

[paintedwreath]

I think there's a classic catch 22 going on here, for me at least, but I think a lot of people may be in a similar situation. That is, they want to ctb but they have neither the knowledge, courage or means to do so, which makes them more depressed and even moreso suicidal. I would imagine knowing that you genuinely do have control over your life would be comforting.

Yeah this is a good way of putting it tbh. I feel more suicidal knowing I can't go through with it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I agree- that passive ideation or the idea that we could get assisted suicide is comforting. It's an escape if we really can't take any more. Active ideation is frightening though- when you envisage actually having to hurt yourself, the fear, the pain and the risk.

 

[paintedwreath]

I agree- that passive ideation or the idea that we could get assisted suicide is comforting. It's an escape if we really can't take any more. Active ideation is frightening though- when you envisage actually having to hurt yourself, the fear, the pain and the risk.

Facts. If I could continue my life knowing I had a pain free option at my disposal my QOL would increase dramatically

 

[axab43]

I think there's a classic catch 22 going on here, for me at least, but I think a lot of people may be in a similar situation. That is, they want to ctb but they have neither the knowledge, courage or means to do so, which makes them more depressed and even moreso suicidal. I would imagine knowing that you genuinely do have control over your life would be comforting.

This is why I question how people like Robin Williams or Michael Hutchence killed themselves. Michael Hutchence in particular seemed to kill himself on an impulse, after a tough issue came up in his life. Maybe they just didn't think about it for a long time and just did it. It might be thinking about it a lot makes it too daunting

Facts. If I could continue my life knowing I had a pain free option at my disposal my QOL would increase dramatically

Yes, it really would be if there was an guaranteed/easier way of doing so.

Facts. If I could continue my life knowing I had a pain free option at my disposal my QOL would increase dramatically

Yes, it really would be if there was an guaranteed/easier way of doing so.

To be honest not really because I'm very scared of dying but I don't want to live. I'm just stuck in this awful purgatory. I feel so incredibly trapped

That is a terrible place to be in. I hope something changes for you, in some way, to make things easier for you.

 

[divinemistress36]

This is why I question how people like Robin Williams or Michael Hutchence killed themselves. Michael Hutchence in particular seemed to kill himself on an impulse, after a tough issue came up in his life. Maybe they just didn't think about it for a long time and just did it. It might be thinking about it a lot makes it too daunting

Yes, it really would be if there was an guaranteed/easier way of doing so.

Yes, it really would be if there was an guaranteed/easier way of doing so.

That is a terrible place to be in. I hope something changes for you, in some way, to make things easier for you.

Robin Williams had dementia thats why he killed himself

 

[astr4]

if you think about it, it's kind of like the emergency eject button on a fighter plane or like a james bond car. stuff starts becoming intolerable and going to shit? EJECT EJECT EJECT!!!

 

[axab43]

Robin Williams had dementia thats why he killed himself

he still did it though. And he had severe depression as well, as he had talked about his mental health issues a lot.

if you think about it, it's kind of like the emergency eject button on a fighter plane or like a james bond car. stuff starts becoming intolerable and going to shit? EJECT EJECT EJECT!!!

yes.... I never thought of it like that. Especially if you like the thought of what will happen afterwards (for those with faith.)

 

[yxmux]

I find that my active ideation tends to be less neurotic than my passive ideation. I actually find a peculiar pleasure in weighing methods, researching materials and aids, and revising my own plan, even though I'm the complete opposite of a "planning" person. It feels like I have agency of my life and ability to feel pleasure for once.

Edit: I have to talk with my parents later today about me losing my scholarships this year due to failing grades. I'm fantasizing about just taking a lethal pill to eject myself from the situation.