tchaik18401893
tchaikovsky
- Dec 31, 2022
- 121
This is a hard question to answer. If i werent sexually assaulted, my family werent so broken, if i werent as lonely as i am, i might consider living. If all of my worries vanished and i had no depression anxiety ptsd or any of that im still unsure. I would be happy. But i have a really hard time imagining that. So my answer is maybe. When i was very young i still had problems, but less, and i still thought about ending my life. Not enough research had gone in though, so at that point it was a hardly harmful thought. But a big thing making me almost reconsider suicide is feeling like a coward. I personally see suicidal people as their stereotypes. Sad people who have no hope, who cut themselves when they have nothing better to do. But truely, thats just internalized hatred for myself. If i genuinely met someone suicidal i would care for them as much as i could. I am so sorry for the ramble. Ugh.
Yes, financial. However, things would still be hard
GrizzlyGrapefruit
Student
- Jun 17, 2019
- 121
If my health returned to how it was back in 2014 right this instant, I'd get rid of all the things I have stored that I've planned to use to ctb.
it could make me reconsider, at least for a while
I lost my job the first week of January 2023. And once again I began thinking and planning to CTB... two weeks later I was offered a new job, but it won't start until the beginning of August. I left my job with a decent severance package so financially at this time, I can afford to go without working for some months. My plan was that if I didn't have a new job by the end of March, I would CTB in early April. I think it is crazy that I got offered a new job after just two weeks, My friend Alejandro says that I am one of the luckiest people he knows.
Dextroid
Member
- Feb 20, 2023
- 16
As of right now, no. My life at the moment is, by all accounts, pretty good. I don't have to struggle with finance, my grades are high enough I'm getting invited to colleges, my family and friends treat me well, I have a person I can call the love of my life. My future is bright, but I still wanna end it. I'm sure some would call me ungrateful, dramatic, or selfish, but it doesn't change the fact I feel this way. Maybe if I didn't have PTSD or autism, if I had a better childhood in general, or a body that decided it didn't wanna be in pain all the time, I'd be better off now. But alas, it is how it is.
Ultracheese
Arcanist
- Dec 1, 2022
- 488
The ideal situation is both, but if my best friend was still alive and/or my unrequited was willing to be in a relationship with me, then I wouldn't even consider CTBing. I can deal with the chronic pain and trauma flashbacks but not the loneliness.
Same, if my health returned to 2016.
Per Ardua Ad Astra
Malpractice: NeuroDystrophy-Paralysis-Meds-Injured
- Sep 27, 2022
- 3,640
disabledlife
Specialist
- Jun 5, 2020
- 389
Go back in time to my childhood to tell my school doctor that my parents mistreat me, never treat me, I am undernourished, I was violently beaten..., I would have warned the justice system, the police, but my parents dissuaded me from doing it under penalty of denying myself, of making me reprisals!
This would perhaps have allowed me to be removed from my parents' house, I could have eaten, been cared for, grown up (I would have been much taller than I am now), studied because, being cared for properly, my health would have deteriorated less, despite the fact that I have an incurable disease, but I would have had time to have the diplomas commensurate with my intelligence, which would have enabled me to have a profession in science which would have made me happy.
Finally, I hope, because I know that the social services in my country are totally shitty and corrupt, there is public money missing or going into corruption.
When I say I'm smart, I'm not putting anyone down, I don't have anything to do with having a high IQ, it's even a poisoned gift because, in my current life, my brain is useless, I'm just very intelligent to realize that the world is rotten, I would have preferred to be stupid not to realize it. And then it might have (if I had been born with a standard IQ, or if I had passed diplomas and a trade) also avoided the lynching that I suffered in my High IQ association which rejects the handicapped who don't have not succeeded in their life and who complains about their life.
I say everyone is smart when they use their brains no matter the IQ, I was very lucky to have met intellectually retarded students in my high school, and yet I saw them very smart, smarter than the others. They knew how to be polite, not mean, wanted to think things over, to make an effort. I helped them to defend themselves against bullying at school and in their homework for example. I didn't go to the playground with ordinary students, all mean to me, mocking, violent.
This would perhaps have allowed me to be removed from my parents' house, I could have eaten, been cared for, grown up (I would have been much taller than I am now), studied because, being cared for properly, my health would have deteriorated less, despite the fact that I have an incurable disease, but I would have had time to have the diplomas commensurate with my intelligence, which would have enabled me to have a profession in science which would have made me happy.
Finally, I hope, because I know that the social services in my country are totally shitty and corrupt, there is public money missing or going into corruption.
When I say I'm smart, I'm not putting anyone down, I don't have anything to do with having a high IQ, it's even a poisoned gift because, in my current life, my brain is useless, I'm just very intelligent to realize that the world is rotten, I would have preferred to be stupid not to realize it. And then it might have (if I had been born with a standard IQ, or if I had passed diplomas and a trade) also avoided the lynching that I suffered in my High IQ association which rejects the handicapped who don't have not succeeded in their life and who complains about their life.
I say everyone is smart when they use their brains no matter the IQ, I was very lucky to have met intellectually retarded students in my high school, and yet I saw them very smart, smarter than the others. They knew how to be polite, not mean, wanted to think things over, to make an effort. I helped them to defend themselves against bullying at school and in their homework for example. I didn't go to the playground with ordinary students, all mean to me, mocking, violent.
LaVieEnRose
Angelic
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,181
If I could eke out even a modest independent life the urge to CTB would definitely be less sharp.
Time is going to tell for me but maybe- yes. I've had ideation to varying degrees for 33 years but it has become especially strong the past 9 months. The one thing that always kept me going was being creative- which I managed to just about form a career in. I've known for some time it wasn't financially viable though.
The past few months I've been looking for a new job and I've finally found one. I was SO sad though at the prospect of having to quite the one thing that gives me any meaning. (I know that isn't going to make sense to a lot of people.) Still, it finally got to a point where I had to tell the people I do the creative stuff for. They sound as if they will keep working with me but around my new schedule- so- that has given me a flicker of hope. It's just whether I can make it work... I know from previous experience that regular jobs tend to suck out my soul.
I'm hanging on for my Dad regardless. Still, it's really going to depend on how things go in the coming months as to whether I get better or worse.
Sorry- a long winded reply there but basically- yes. My life isn't so bad that I can't get through it with a coping mechanism (creativity.) Without that though- I tend to flounder.
How about you? It sounds like your troubles are health related. I'm SO sorry. I know I couldn't cope with being ill. Life's difficult enough with good health. I get the impression from your username that maybe there was a time where things were better? Is there any chance of treatment?
The past few months I've been looking for a new job and I've finally found one. I was SO sad though at the prospect of having to quite the one thing that gives me any meaning. (I know that isn't going to make sense to a lot of people.) Still, it finally got to a point where I had to tell the people I do the creative stuff for. They sound as if they will keep working with me but around my new schedule- so- that has given me a flicker of hope. It's just whether I can make it work... I know from previous experience that regular jobs tend to suck out my soul.
I'm hanging on for my Dad regardless. Still, it's really going to depend on how things go in the coming months as to whether I get better or worse.
Sorry- a long winded reply there but basically- yes. My life isn't so bad that I can't get through it with a coping mechanism (creativity.) Without that though- I tend to flounder.
How about you? It sounds like your troubles are health related. I'm SO sorry. I know I couldn't cope with being ill. Life's difficult enough with good health. I get the impression from your username that maybe there was a time where things were better? Is there any chance of treatment?
Autoimmunity. It's over.
Yes, I had a wonderful life with wonderful plans before my symptoms.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 37,259
No, absolutely nothing could ever make me wish to endure existence. When the true problem lies in life itself only death could ever be a relief. To exist means to suffer and I will always despise being conscious and aware. The reality is that there is simply no point to existing and there is nothing to be gained by something so useless as staying here and I'm against suffering in every form. The whole concept of life is something that I very much despise so I just wish for peaceful non existence with not even the awareness of the fact that I'm dead. Life certainly is a cruel mistake, existence is a tragedy and to die is freedom.
draingang
białasy podbijają na funkcję jak
- Feb 21, 2023
- 51
yes, getting a social life. at least i believe that would help me with my mental health. Throughout the years I've convinced myself that I am super introverted and I don't need anyone to have a good life, but the more I think about it, the more I realise that I am more extroverted than I thought. I think that me calling myself an extreme introvert is just some sort of defence mechanism because I'm so alone and only have a few online friends who have more important things in their life than me, and I have a few really superficial and shallow friendships irl but they are limited to school only. I never reach them outside school and they don't reach me. I miss human interaction on a deeper level, cause I haven't felt that in years. I guess it's mostly my fault as I find myself always pushing people away when I make a new friend. I guess people have caught up with me being bad friend material.
TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,706
No, it won't. This is because my wanting to CTB is tied to philosophical and personal circumstances. Having better quality of life would only help me cope, but it certainly will not sway my decision in the long run since I know I will still go by my own hand before I reach old age or reach a point where my quality of life drops to a state where I deem unacceptable.
girlsboysthems
no i dont have a gun
- Dec 19, 2022
- 417
I doubt it. I tried meds, i tried therapy, i thought maybe having money would change me (so i worked a lot and it didnt do much), maybe going to school for something i like might work (not true, now i just schedule my suicide dates around after the exams so in case i survive i dont miss out on too much), i tried ket, shrooms, moving away, currently trying group therapy. not much is left for me to try. my time is coming. i can feel that my body and mind is tired from obsessively running around in circles. if i wont kill myself my body probably will kill itself and i will be left with an illness of some sort that will make my life even worse.
Shadowlord900
Seeker of Darkness
- Sep 29, 2022
- 921
No because sadly it would take 2 areas of improvement not 1 to prevent me from CTBing, and 1 of those is not possible unless if either someone suddenly finds out a cure for coeliac disease or I just say 'fuck it' to my autoimmune system and take some Prednisolone.
cogmachine
hurk urk blergh
- Feb 22, 2023
- 96
despite one change that can make it significantly better, i don't think it can / will remove the overall anxiety of being alive and getting old.
WaitingToGo
Experienced
- Feb 18, 2023
- 233
I put yes. But I'm not sure. The main thing at the moment is complete loneliness, grief and recurring flashbacks. Even if I was to move back to the UK like I was planning, I'd still have the grief and flashbacks to contend with.
Arvinneedstodie
Existing is not living
- Sep 17, 2018
- 198
I also suffer from Celia disease and all the related issues. Fk, I'm sorry you have to deal with this BS too. It's like having a set of heavy shackles on our feet since birth, and will torture us to the graves.
nozomu
Global Mod // will i wiN my recovery arc
- Nov 28, 2022
- 1,082
Yes, if my relationship with my partner continues to improve I will live. It is the only thing keeping me going at this point. But I'm scared if anything goes wrong I might lose it.
Yes. If I can atleast get 50% of my health back, then I will not CTB. That is the main reason I am on this site. I cannot cope with my health problems, unfortunately.
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,407
I am overweight, single and poor, however none of that being fixed would sway me from CTBing. In fact, the reason I want to CTB is dysophoria. Though due to my dysphoria, I don't take care of myself so yeah....
My dysphoria and reason for CTBing being eliminated would fix the lack of care to myself (being overweight, single and not taking care of myself), but fixing any one of the problems I mentioned won't solve my dysphoria and sway me away from CTBing.
I hope I expressed that as I intended and people understand what I was trying to convey.
My dysphoria and reason for CTBing being eliminated would fix the lack of care to myself (being overweight, single and not taking care of myself), but fixing any one of the problems I mentioned won't solve my dysphoria and sway me away from CTBing.
I hope I expressed that as I intended and people understand what I was trying to convey.
my health is declining everyday. Since my genes are deteriorating with no sign of a positive future, what am I staying alive for? I worry that one day I may lose the ability to walk even and then it will really be over. I won't even be able to make the decision to end my life and will have to endure living until old age. Fuck that I'm out of here. Sorry mom and dad I'll do everything to lessen the pain but if you guys really love me then you will let me go.
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