coping with loss

[nembutal]

my ex died in january. overdose. i was using heavily the entire week before his death and somehow survived. he relapsed on a small dosage and died. i was going to kill myself in march but was sent to a 9 month drug rehab program before i could.
idk. i see his friends going about their lives as if nothing has happened. but i am still plagued and crippled by thoughts of him on the daily. we had a connection that i will be unable to replicate with another human being ever again. when he died its as if the world stopped revolving. i am just the type to get heavily attached. it is hard for me to find connection in of itself, let alone a romantic one. my behavior and thoughts can essentially be boiled down to BPD, i just cant live without this person. i dont want to.
i try to place some logic into my thinking to dissuade myself from using this situation as a justification for suicide. there will be others, perhaps it was meant to be, etc. because i know for a fact i would be 6 feet under if he were still alive and we had gotten back together as planned (we would definitely use together). but my emotions get the best of me and i continue to add to my note daily.
i want to hear if anyone else struggles with this.

 

[Enlighten]

my ex died in january. overdose. i was using heavily the entire week before his death and somehow survived. he relapsed on a small dosage and died. i was going to kill myself in march but was sent to a 9 month drug rehab program before i could.
idk. i see his friends going about their lives as if nothing has happened. but i am still plagued and crippled by thoughts of him on the daily. we had a connection that i will be unable to replicate with another human being ever again. when he died its as if the world stopped revolving. i am just the type to get heavily attached. it is hard for me to find connection in of itself, let alone a romantic one. my behavior and thoughts can essentially be boiled down to BPD, i just cant live without this person. i dont want to.
i try to place some logic into my thinking to dissuade myself from using this situation as a justification for suicide. there will be others, perhaps it was meant to be, etc. because i know for a fact i would be 6 feet under if he were still alive and we had gotten back together as planned (we would definitely use together). but my emotions get the best of me and i continue to add to my note daily.
i want to hear if anyone else struggles with this.

Hi OP, i've tried drugs before, but never got addicted, so can't relate too much. I'm sorry your ex overdosed and that that thought still plagues your mind. Losing someone like that is the worst feeling imaginable. I'm proud of you for holding on this long.
If you want to talk about what you are feeling, i would love to talk with you <3

 

[Morana]

my ex died in january. overdose. i was using heavily the entire week before his death and somehow survived. he relapsed on a small dosage and died. i was going to kill myself in march but was sent to a 9 month drug rehab program before i could.
idk. i see his friends going about their lives as if nothing has happened. but i am still plagued and crippled by thoughts of him on the daily. we had a connection that i will be unable to replicate with another human being ever again. when he died its as if the world stopped revolving. i am just the type to get heavily attached. it is hard for me to find connection in of itself, let alone a romantic one. my behavior and thoughts can essentially be boiled down to BPD, i just cant live without this person. i dont want to.
i try to place some logic into my thinking to dissuade myself from using this situation as a justification for suicide. there will be others, perhaps it was meant to be, etc. because i know for a fact i would be 6 feet under if he were still alive and we had gotten back together as planned (we would definitely use together). but my emotions get the best of me and i continue to add to my note daily.
i want to hear if anyone else struggles with this.

Im so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you feel right now. Im so sorry dear. Try to think about this, before him, did u ever think that you would have this form of connection with anyone, this connection you had with him, did you think it would happen to you? Probably you didn't. Right now you think you won't have any connection like that in the future, and you won't because he is his own special person, but I'm sure you will have some other connection that will be different but will help you and it will bring something good. You don't expect it right now like you didn't expect him. It is normal for you to grieve, give yourself some time, after it gets worse, then it will get better. Everyone grieves different, some longer, some need less time, everyone is different. Write about your feelings, don't hold them in. Go and scream somewhere, let everything out. Don't be too hard on yourself, and also don't trust your thoughts when you feel intense emotions, wait until you become more calm, after you watched some series or did somethings that left you feel more relaxed, except drugs. That way you will think more clearly. I hope this helped a little.