Help Coping with dysphoria

[Anonymoususer1234]

For those of you who have gender dysphoria, how do you deal with it? I'm at the very start of my medical transition (under two months) and I haven't noticed any changes at all. I've booked with my doctor for a follow up appointment to see if I could safely get my dosage raised but she said I won't be seen for another month or so. What are some coping strategies you guys use when it comes to dysphoria?

 

[cgrtt.brns]

if ur taking oestrogen i dont have personal experience with that, but ive been on testosterone for nearly four years so i know what its like to feel like nothings happening for a while. it took about 6 months for me to notice any changes, i was on hormone blockers at the same time i started t, and it took a while for my doctor to gradually up my dose to an adult dose (probably due to poor communication between my gp and the gender clinic but oh well). it can take a while before you notice anything, and what changes u experience depend a lot on genetics, so one persons transition is never the same as anothers.
i originally wrote a huge essay but ive tried to condense my points bc it was a fucking wall of text and i dont wanna put u thru that lol.
• distractions - music and video games helped me most to distract myself from my body (which can be very hard considering u live in it). transitioning consists of a lot of waiting, so finding ways to pass the time and save urself as much mental pain can rly help.
• clothes, accessories, hair, make up, tattoos, piercings etc. - find what makes you comfortable, and do what you need to make ur body feel like yours again. get clothes that actually fit, or if u want to distract urself from ur body further wear baggy oversized clothes, just be careful during hot weather and take breaks to keep urself cool. keep experimenting and try to have fun with it if you can. theres a trans life coach on instagram called daddyspencer whos started a new series where he talks about how clothes and fashion can help u feel more confident in ur transition, i think he focuses more on trans guys but im sure theres some advice that can be useful for any trans person, and he has some rly useful tips like either learning to sew or getting ur clothes tailored to get a proper fit etc. as well as just other general life advice.
• trans specific "aids" (idk what else to call them) - binders, packers, bra inserts, tucking tape/underwear, anything that can help alleviate some of ur gender dysphoria. take the time to figure out what works for u and what u need, invest in good quality products if ur able to. i think some charities/organisations can give certain things to those in need/who cant afford them but i dont know of any off the top of my head, it could be worth looking into
• talking to other trans ppl - sharing ur experience, finding ppl u relate to, sharing the burden of the shit that we go thru together can help ur mental health in multiple ways.
• last thing - transitioning takes time, it can be really hard but the fact uve started already is worth celebrating. have fun exploring ur gender identity and ways that help u feel like u are in the right body.
i hope this made sense and was at least somewhat helpful. im sure theres things ive missed. i genuinely wish you all the best in your journey. if you have any questions id love to answer them. sending hugs if you need them <3

 

[evanescent]

I'm not aware of any way to get rid of dysphoria.

There is always something to be dysphoric of. If you pass perfectly then it might be bottom-dysphoria. If you're post-SRS then it might be the fact that you can never get pregnant. I've heard of many perfectly passing post-SRS trans women who experience what is essentially "info-dysphoria". The mere fact that they are trans and not cis is enough to ruin a day.

For all I know, the dysphoria never goes away.
In my experience, the intensity of my dysphoria varies day by day.
The best thing I can do is to weather out these days of heightened dysphoria.

I try to be mindful and I try not to be immersed by my dysphoria. I allow myself to feel the dysphoria but I try not to dwell on the feeling any further. I try my best to avoid spiralling.

These days are a great excuse to treat myself. If the day is going to be lost to dysphoria anyways then I might as well allow myself to do whatever I want. Sometimes that means taking a nice nap.

Also, I'd love to get to know other trans people on SaSu.
So if you ever feel like it, you're always welcome to reach out in DMs.

I just realized that I assumed you were transfem just because the person above mentioned estrogen.

 

[Lucilius]

Depersonalization. Live life as if you were controlling an avatar in a videogame. The avatar is not you. Just some puppet you can move around and make do things.

 

[Danique]

I don't know how

I have been on DIY HRT for 2.5 years now and my dysphoria is as bad as it ever was. There have been no feminizing changes in the last 1.5 yrs and in many ways I have gone backwards. Surgery will forever be way too expensive for me, so I really don;t know how to keep any hope alive that I will ever get rid of my dysphoria.

Depersonalizaton. Live life as if you were controlling an avatar in a videogame. The avatar is not you. Just some puppet you can move around and make do things.

Depersonalisation was always one the manifestations of my dysphoria, along with derealization, depression, social fear, generalized self hatred etc. Since deciding to transition all those things went away and all that was left was pure dysphoria. At first this was fine as I assumed my dysphoria would diminished by the effects of the hormones and taking further steps to live as the womand that I know that I am.

Those first few months on HRT where the best months of my life and together with some hopeful months later on (when I actually seemed to make some progress) have been the only periods in my life where the good outshone the bad and I was actually able to enjoy life somewhat. It was all based on the hope that hormones would substantially work though and this turned out to be untrue

Now...people tell me I should be happy, because Im offically a woman and most people around me respect my pronouns/name. To me however that matters very little. I still look like a man and now I have lost the hope that I can ever change that. I have really fought long and hard, I have given life plenty of chances, but it just doesn't seem like the pain will ever stop (well...unless...you know what forum we're on).

The best thing I can do is to weather out these days of heightened dysphoria.

For the last year I only had days of heightened dysphoria. There are no 'good' days.

These days are a great excuse to treat myself. If the day is going to be lost to dysphoria anyways then I might as well allow myself to do whatever I want. Sometimes that means taking a nice nap.

I can;t sleep or treat myself when I feel very dysphoric ( I have slept very, very little in the last few months). When I'm dysphoric all I do is continually assessing how I look, worry about my HRT regime, complain to the gods about my misfortune, physically hurt myself in various ways and stuff like that. I can;t do anything positive

 

[Lucilius]

Well, depersonalization is a coping mechanism. A mechanism one could take control of.
Think of your body as a videogame avatar, really. You are not here. You are somewhere else. None of this is real.
It helps.

 

[Danique]

Well, depersonalization is a coping mechanism. A mechanism one could take control of.
Think of your body as a videogame avatar, really. You are not here. You are somewhere else. None of this is real.
It helps.

For my whole life I had (uncontrolled) depersonalization and derealization and felt a huge distance to everything. I wanted to feel like I was actually alive and have a connection with this body. I wanted the distance removed and hormones did that. In hindsight I needed the distance to keep me sane and functioning.

Now, I still dont feel like I'm really alive yet and I definitely feel like this isn't my body. The distance is gone now however and it hurts so much!!! Before transition I felt numb and dead. Now I feel constant pain. Every second of every day I'm reminded that this body/face is completely wrong and that I can't fix it.

I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to get the distance back and even if I could...why would that be preferential to just killing myself. I would be practically dead either way.

I just realized that the exercises that my therapist had given me are essentially also trying to create that distance and depersonalization. Still, for now, I really can't stop thinking about how wrong I am and how my hormones aren;t working. Constantly trying to solve a problem that has no solution

For those of you who have gender dysphoria, how do you deal with it? I'm at the very start of my medical transition (under two months) and I haven't noticed any changes at all. I've booked with my doctor for a follow up appointment to see if I could safely get my dosage raised but she said I won't be seen for another month or so. What are some coping strategies you guys use when it comes to dysphoria?

Two months is nothing when it comes to HRT. It's vey normal to start with a low dosage and I would advice against raising it too fast. Because I had to do my own HRT I had to look up much information and out of impatience I still made some unwise decisions. Increasing my dosage too early was one of them and I often wonder if it's the reason that my boobs never correctly developed. You're lucky to have a doctor, so please use and trust her expertise.

As for coping strategies for you... Aside from HRT there are many other things you can do that helps you feel like you;re actively making progress. For trans fems there is for instance: Starting laser hair removal, practicing makeup, practicing voice, trying out clothing styles, going to beautysalon, feminizing brows, weight cycling, exercizes for getting more feminine figure etc. If you're trans masc there is probably also stuff that you can do to make you feel you're taking positive steps

Maybe it helps for coping to remind youreself that you're very early in transition and that the beautiful, euphoric changes are probaby going to come in the next few years. Live for the future, because now that you have started it should look a whole lot brighter

 

[Lucilius]

HRT simply doesn't do much if you have the wrong genetics and/or start late. In my case people wouldn't even be able to guess I am taking HRT at all! I just look like a normal member of my sex/AGAB whatever. I myself have stopped having any future aspirations or socializing with people whatosever. I live in my head, far far away from everything.

Depersonalization is a useful tool and it seems reasonable to expect that by being mindful about what one is doing one could achieve much more positive states of depersonalization than those that arise as spontaneous coping mechanisms. It seems some forms of therapy try to achieve this, but still putting at the service of normalcy and participation in bullshit human affairs. Many depersonalized states include what is often tendentiously called "maladaptive daydreaming", which can sometimes elicit borderline euphoric states, so it is not all as gloomy as it might seem.

We are not our bodies and neither we are what people see. We are bundles of thoughts parasiting a decaying brain. The more aware we become of our abstract nature the freer we are. These recurring bits of judgement and information are not things we experience: they are what we are made of. Let us be present there and not in the fake home that is our body. Let's go back where we came from. That is really the only full-proof way of dealing with dysphoria if you are unlucky with transition.

 

[Danique]

HRT simply doesn't do much if you have the wrong genetics and/or start late. In my case people wouldn't even be able to guess I am taking HRT at all! I just look like a normal member of my sex/AGAB whatever. I myself have stopped having any future aspirations or socializing with people whatosever. I live in my head, far far away from everything.

Depersonalization is a useful tool and it seems reasonable to expect that by being mindful about what one is doing one could achieve much more positive states of depersonalization than those that arise as spontaneous coping mechanisms. It seems some forms of therapy try to achieve this, but still putting at the service of normalcy and participation in bullshit human affairs. Many depersonalized states include what is often tendentiously called "maladaptive daydreaming", which can sometimes elicit borderline euphoric states, so it is not all as gloomy as it might seem.

We are not our bodies and neither we are what people see. We are bundles of thoughts parasiting a decaying brain. The more aware we become of our abstract nature the freer we are. These recurring bits of judgement and information are not things we experience: they are what we are made of. Let us be present there and not in the fake home that is our body. Let's go back where we came from. That is really the only full-proof way of dealing with dysphoria if you are unlucky with transition.

Thank you for your suggestions, Lucilius. That's a very interesting way of thinking about. At this moment it seems really impossible to me to reach such lvl of detachment that I might put dysphoric thoughts away, but I will look into this.

I started at 35 yrs and am 38 now. I think I ruined it by starting too late (medical gatekeeping, conservative family, social fear etc), but sometimes I wonder if I somehow messed my transition up by doing it wrong somehow. My bloodlevels have been okay throughout, but in the end...I'm no endocrinologist and maybe I did something stupid. (I definitely changed regimes way too many times)

 

[Lucilius]

Thank you for your suggestions, Lucilius. That's a very interesting way of thinking about. At this moment it seems really impossible to me to reach such lvl of detachment that I might put dysphoric thoughts away, but I will look into this.

I started at 35 yrs and am 38 now. I think I ruined it by starting too late (medical gatekeeping, conservative family, social fear etc), but sometimes I wonder if I somehow messed my transition up by doing it wrong somehow. My bloodlevels have been okay throughout, but in the end...I'm no endocrinologist and maybe I did something stupid. (I definitely changed regimes way too many times)

It is most likely just a matter of genetics. Don't beat yourself about it. I have similar problems plus a fucked up facial bone structure.

Being a man is horrible and I guess surviving as one into one's thirties is a feat we should be somewhat proud of. It's like having your soul put through an industrial pressure chamber and oven and be constantly taking notes. People who haven't experienced it don't know half as much as we do. Meagre consolation, but ok.

 

[Danique]

It is most likely just a matter of genetics. Don't beat yourself about it. I have similar problems plus a fucked up facial bone structure.

Being a man is horrible and I guess surviving as one into one's thirties is a feat we should be somewhat proud of. It's like having your soul put through an industrial pressure chamber and oven and be constantly taking notes. People who haven't experienced it don't know half as much as we do. Meagre consolation, but ok.

I don't like giving myself any credit, but I do think I have fought very, very hard. It's a miracle I'm still here (and somewhat functioning) after 30 years of continious suicide thoughts, serious attempts, accidents and with all the mental problems I have accumilated

And...despite the pain outweighing the joy by at least a 1000:1 ratio, I guess I'm somewhat happy I managed to hold out until I was at last living as myself. I might still look very masculine and I think people don't really accept me (everyone assumed my BF was gay), but when I die I will die as Danique, a woman.

Recently, I finally did get my official diagnosis of gender dysphoria, so I will probably have access to an endocrinologist and maybe in a bunch of years vaginoplasty covered by insurance (a big maybe as they think I'm too socially isolated for such a big operation). WIth a year more of saving I will have enough to afford breast augmentation. So I should be hopeful, but I don't feel that way. FFS is almost never covered by insurance and it would take more then 10 years to save the money myself. I would be about 50 then. My face gives me by far the most dysphoria. And even with FFS, my body would still look very masculine (broad shoulders, no hips).

I can't imagine anything more painful and constanlty confusing than being born in the wrong gender body. The thought that I will never get rid of my dysphoria is super distressing to me.

 

[Lucilius]

I will never have a partner of any kind. I'm not what anyone would want and I am not interested in sex. I try to stay away from institutionalized transgender care. They are definitely not my friends and will judge me for being unpassable, even if it something completely outside of my control. So does the so-called trans community. I can only hold on like this for a couple of years maximum. It's a very sad way to live.

 

[Danique]

I will never have a partner of any kind. I'm not what anyone would want

Don't be too sure. I have always thought that, until I finally found love for the first time at 36 yrs. Unfortunately, I chased him away with my dysphoria (which he couldn't understand) and numerous insecurities, but we still had good moments together. I had loving moments with him that before I was sure I would never experience.

I am not interested in sex

My interest in sex is also very limited, but I wonder if this due to being somewhat asexual or if it's due to my dysphoria.

I try to stay away from institutionalized transgender care. They are definitely not my friends and will judge me for being unpassable, even if it something completely outside of my control.

Sadly...yes, I completely agree. If I could have transitioned at an earlier age I might have had an okay life, but by being gatekept away from transgender care they have destroyed my chances. The problem is that transgender care is not at all about treating gender dysphoria. They don;t want to treat people with very bad gender dysphoria, they want to treat people who will be happy after transition. They want nice, safe success stories.

So does the so-called trans community.

I'm so dissapointed with the transgender community. I hate the forced positivty. I hate that you can;t talk about how bad dysphoria is. I hate how you can get demolished if you're dissapointed with the results of your transition. I hate how the passing trans women look down on those who don't pass. I hate how they force you to conform to their views on feminity.

I can only hold on like this for a couple of years maximum. It's a very sad way to live.

I feel that too. It is possible to have a pretty good life after being born transgender, but you need one or more of the following:

- Get on HRT at an early age
- Have very lucky genetics
- Be so rich that you can afford surgeries

Lacking all three means being stuck in a body that constantly feels deeply wrong in a extremely painful way. I can't ignore it. I can't distract myself from it. I can't fix it.

If there is hope, then I do want to fight on, because I dont think life is inherently unpleasant, but...currently it just seems like there is no hope.

 

[Lucilius]

I am very ugly and have a grotesque underweight body with a sunken chest and really not what anybody interested in either gender would be want. So I am afraid I am very sure. Dating is a waste of time for me.
I can make fulfilling stories in my head deoid of all of the scorn and rejection others have in store for me.

The trans community is simply horrible. A bunch of catty privileged people who would in the same breath make fun of ypu in the most cruel way and in the other make a moral failure of the fact you are sad for not passing. Absolute scum.