Lara Francis
Enlightened
- Jun 30, 2018
- 1,627
I have been diagnosed with complicated grief reaction and severe depresson after the death of my husband nearly 3 years ago.
Today our son was asking me questions regarding his dads death in relation to why he had a stroke,the treatment given and the outcome had he not been given the drug to try and dissolve the blood clot.
The treatment may have been successful and recovery possible or it would cause increased bleeding.I had to make that decison which was hard.if he died without treatment ,i would have felt guilty for not giving him every chance but he got worse and died.
The doctor told me he would have died sooner without treatment but i still question myself and ask , what if this or that !
I think i will do this for the rest of my life - its almost like feeling guilty.
Our boy asked what would have happened if we didnt give him the drug ? , so i reprated what the doctors had told me but what if they were wrong and i made the wrong choice.? I thought i had got passed this.I am glad our boy feels he can talk to me about everything but now i question myself again.
If i ctb ,maybe our boy would blame himself for my death and feel somehow responsible.he would then carry this irrational concept throughout his life just as i carry my guilt.
I know all the right things to say as a parent to explain things in a child friendly ,age related manner.He told me that he blamed himself for his dads death but now understands this is not true at all.
I think i tell my boy what i think is right as a responsible parent but i guess i do not truely believe the shit i have to say.
He tells me that the foster carer says i had shown bad parenting and he had become upset saying I was kind and he loves me.
My friends were after some type of confirmation that i would not kill myself if he does not come home but i told them that was something that i could not even promise myself!
There never seems to be a let up in the scale of emotions i feel.i go up and down on this esculator of a shitty life and am never able to get off.x
Today our son was asking me questions regarding his dads death in relation to why he had a stroke,the treatment given and the outcome had he not been given the drug to try and dissolve the blood clot.
The treatment may have been successful and recovery possible or it would cause increased bleeding.I had to make that decison which was hard.if he died without treatment ,i would have felt guilty for not giving him every chance but he got worse and died.
The doctor told me he would have died sooner without treatment but i still question myself and ask , what if this or that !
I think i will do this for the rest of my life - its almost like feeling guilty.
Our boy asked what would have happened if we didnt give him the drug ? , so i reprated what the doctors had told me but what if they were wrong and i made the wrong choice.? I thought i had got passed this.I am glad our boy feels he can talk to me about everything but now i question myself again.
If i ctb ,maybe our boy would blame himself for my death and feel somehow responsible.he would then carry this irrational concept throughout his life just as i carry my guilt.
I know all the right things to say as a parent to explain things in a child friendly ,age related manner.He told me that he blamed himself for his dads death but now understands this is not true at all.
I think i tell my boy what i think is right as a responsible parent but i guess i do not truely believe the shit i have to say.
He tells me that the foster carer says i had shown bad parenting and he had become upset saying I was kind and he loves me.
My friends were after some type of confirmation that i would not kill myself if he does not come home but i told them that was something that i could not even promise myself!
There never seems to be a let up in the scale of emotions i feel.i go up and down on this esculator of a shitty life and am never able to get off.x
