kane
Student
- Jun 26, 2020
- 171
I've done many genuinely terrible things in my life (I won't go into details), and large parts of me still want to do far worse. There are certain things that when you do them, you realize: 'Oh shit, that's it. There's no way back for me.' Where you understand that if anyone ever knew the real truth of you, they would despise you. I passed that point a long time ago, and just kept on going. If you who read this knew, then you would likely feel that kind of disgust, and you'd be right to. That's as honest as I can be without going into detail. I know many with depression have irrational or excessive guilt, but that's not me.
So I'm a bad person, by pretty much any moral standard you can think of. I'm not a psychopath. I don't think I'm a sociopath either. It's probable that narcissism plays a significant role in who I am, but I don't fit the traditional stereotype of a narcissist. It's not that I don't feel empathy, or have no sense of morality. It's that those motivations are easily overridden by selfish concerns. They're shallow, paper-thin. I would say the way I behave currently is less potentially harmful in some respects than in my past. But I haven't truly changed or reformed. That side of me is simply channelled down different paths.
I don't have much in the way of motivation to become a better person. That's the thing about being 'beyond the pale'. Whatever you do from this point on, you're still going to be unacceptable. So why bother? There's no point in the future I can imagine being 'ok' again, no matter what I do.
The question is how to live with that fact, since I currently seem to lack the conviction for suicide. It feels intolerable. Just this constant, nagging awareness of your own awfulness. It's not so much guilt, or even shame (though there is a deep sense of shame.) It's the isolation of it. Knowing that anyone you like, or care about, or let into you life would hate you if they really knew you. It puts you in subconscious opposition to the rest of humanity. I've psychologically cut myself of. Everyone with a sense of moral decency is a threat.
And that robs all potential meaning from life. Connection is impossible. Every interaction is a charade. I think that's true for much of social life anyway, but the difference is in the possibility of connection. But even when I meet someone I feel a real affinity for, I have to keep them at a distance, because I know they won't feel the same. It's kind of tortuous. I'm effectively deceiving people into liking me and thinking I'm a decent person.
So I don't know how to come to terms with all that, and accept it. Accept being this completely psychologically alone. There's no meaning in the world for me anymore. The only things I really want are either impossible (genuine connection), or morally unacceptable (making everything worse.) Hedonism only gets you so far. I have no clue what I'm doing here until my time runs out. I have no ambitions, no goals, no purpose. Mostly I just want to numb the awareness of who I am away. I've sat through countless months of therapy, but it doesn't change anything. Confession doesn't change anything. I'm still the same person, who's done those things, and wants to do worse (but probably won't.)
So I'm a bad person, by pretty much any moral standard you can think of. I'm not a psychopath. I don't think I'm a sociopath either. It's probable that narcissism plays a significant role in who I am, but I don't fit the traditional stereotype of a narcissist. It's not that I don't feel empathy, or have no sense of morality. It's that those motivations are easily overridden by selfish concerns. They're shallow, paper-thin. I would say the way I behave currently is less potentially harmful in some respects than in my past. But I haven't truly changed or reformed. That side of me is simply channelled down different paths.
I don't have much in the way of motivation to become a better person. That's the thing about being 'beyond the pale'. Whatever you do from this point on, you're still going to be unacceptable. So why bother? There's no point in the future I can imagine being 'ok' again, no matter what I do.
The question is how to live with that fact, since I currently seem to lack the conviction for suicide. It feels intolerable. Just this constant, nagging awareness of your own awfulness. It's not so much guilt, or even shame (though there is a deep sense of shame.) It's the isolation of it. Knowing that anyone you like, or care about, or let into you life would hate you if they really knew you. It puts you in subconscious opposition to the rest of humanity. I've psychologically cut myself of. Everyone with a sense of moral decency is a threat.
And that robs all potential meaning from life. Connection is impossible. Every interaction is a charade. I think that's true for much of social life anyway, but the difference is in the possibility of connection. But even when I meet someone I feel a real affinity for, I have to keep them at a distance, because I know they won't feel the same. It's kind of tortuous. I'm effectively deceiving people into liking me and thinking I'm a decent person.
So I don't know how to come to terms with all that, and accept it. Accept being this completely psychologically alone. There's no meaning in the world for me anymore. The only things I really want are either impossible (genuine connection), or morally unacceptable (making everything worse.) Hedonism only gets you so far. I have no clue what I'm doing here until my time runs out. I have no ambitions, no goals, no purpose. Mostly I just want to numb the awareness of who I am away. I've sat through countless months of therapy, but it doesn't change anything. Confession doesn't change anything. I'm still the same person, who's done those things, and wants to do worse (but probably won't.)
