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Necrosis
En bokstavelig bjørn som later som om han er menne
- Feb 23, 2023
- 59
Okay guess this is just my breakdown over yesterday. Abysmal. I wish I never left my house. It feels like a punishment for deciding to be social. My counties cops have sticks up their ass, I guess they got new radars and have new quotas, they're pulling everyone and their mom over lately. I got pulled over on my 5 minute drive to work from my lunch break at home...for going 7 over he set limit. He gave me a warning because I said I had to be at work soon, he was considerate just doing his job okay whatever. I got over it. Yesterday, I get pulled over FOR GOING LESS THAN TEN OVER AGAIN LITERALLY LIKE 10 FEET FROM MY COUNTY LINE. It was the cop that took 3 hours to get to my house last year after we called them, an hour after they PULLED SOMEONE OVER IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE. My phone had died because I was driving from another state, and no updates paper card for my insurance because my car dealership that gave me my loan through a credit union claimed I had to be paying more for insurance to keep my set car payment....so yeah I have court on a day I was supposed to work. It's fine I can go get it settled but that's a loss of money for me after I'm already fighting to get OT. A loss of money while struggling to pay me medical bills and saving for a house...it's just the straw on my back that made me lose it.
I've never felt so stupid as a man. I just sat in the parking lot and cried and cut in my car for 2 hours. I know it's stupid but with how my police have been acting, it makes me want to impulsively commit cop suicide. Make them regret it, share the trauma, idk. It's a hard cope. I'm just becoming angry instead of sad. I considered going to the ward after this recent breakdown but I just got my FOID card...I don't want to get this far and try to help myself at the expense of losing my ability to get a gun for 5 years.
The only thing making me feel better is that my mate and I are doing better, actually looking at houses together again, getting more technical about calculating mortgages and looking into loans. It's why I am still half aiming at living, not entirely sure if I need to be trying to perform better....just being here and providing for my mate. I applied to a promotion at work and shadowing, I have some hope for that. I just hope this all works out and I don't need to be scared about money. If this isn't worth it and I can't get a hold of a gun after everything, I'm reaching for a cops -__-"
I've never felt so stupid as a man. I just sat in the parking lot and cried and cut in my car for 2 hours. I know it's stupid but with how my police have been acting, it makes me want to impulsively commit cop suicide. Make them regret it, share the trauma, idk. It's a hard cope. I'm just becoming angry instead of sad. I considered going to the ward after this recent breakdown but I just got my FOID card...I don't want to get this far and try to help myself at the expense of losing my ability to get a gun for 5 years.
The only thing making me feel better is that my mate and I are doing better, actually looking at houses together again, getting more technical about calculating mortgages and looking into loans. It's why I am still half aiming at living, not entirely sure if I need to be trying to perform better....just being here and providing for my mate. I applied to a promotion at work and shadowing, I have some hope for that. I just hope this all works out and I don't need to be scared about money. If this isn't worth it and I can't get a hold of a gun after everything, I'm reaching for a cops -__-"