cowbain
teach me empathy
- Jul 16, 2019
- 143
Today was shitty, ha not surprised. I don't have my license. I've been asking to learn how to drive since last year (I'm a teenager) and have only been allowed to start driving since this past July. I plan to get my license as soon as I can (I don't drive regularly). Anyways my car is having issues and my ndad (narcissist dad) wanted me to follow him while he drives his car and I drive my car to the shop. I didn't really want to do it since it would be the first time I'd be driving without anyone in the car with me, plus it's raining, the car isn't working, and I don't have my license. The shop is like 10 minutes away. I agreed to do it anyways but while I was driving the car shifted and started to go like 5mph. I got fucking scared and pulled over and then my dad pulls over too and yells at me. He doesn't have his license either and he was yelling at me saying how I was gonna get him sent to jail. I'm on the verge of a panic attack while this is happening. He keeps going on and on and I keep telling him that I can't do it. I told him to call the shop and just tell them to pick the car up but he won't listen. So he cusses me out, tells me to move out, and then drives off in my car and locks me out of his. He couldn't even let me sit in his car and wait. So I'm stranded on the side of the road and it's raining. I ended up having to call my social worker and explain to her the situation. I was going to go to a homeless shelter but then he showed up ten minutes later, because he caught a ride from someone else. SEE ??? ITS THAT SIMPLE. YOU DONY HAVE TO YELL AT ME FOR SHIT THATS NOT MY FAULT!!! What makes it worse it I had just left an appointment for physical therapy because I've been having pelvic pain which my obgyn thinks is related to my sexual abuse. At the appointment it was triggering and I was already anxious, I actually started to cry during the appointment and then to have this happen on top of everything is fucking unfair. With him being a narcissist I feel like he just did that on purpose, to make me subconsciously feel bad about trying to take care of my health. They're so evil and conniving.I'm just so fucking fed up with this. Everyone judges me for being suicidal but uh if you were living the life I was living you'd want to kill yourself too. I'm not even living, I'm a prisoner. I'm trying to apply for ssi so that I can move out but the process is taking so long because my ndad cant know about it so I have trouble with transportation, and signing/printing paper work and doing anything at all. I'm just so sick of it. I feel like my social worker isn't helping as urgently as she can with how dire my situation is. I could go on and on about how fucked it all is. I wish I could just work. Even if I could work I wouldn't be able to because my dad would just get mad and abuse me more and be more restrictive. The last time my dad choked me was when I was 15 so I guess him being a narcissist and emotionally/mentally/financially abusive doesn't matter. I'm not actively getting my head slammed into a wall so no one cares. Doesn't matter that he sexually molested me as a child. None of it matters. I just have to think positively and then my life will change, I'll be able to function right? I'm just so fucking tired. I wish my mom would've gone through with aborting me, at least I wouldn't have to suffer like this anymore. Oh and it gets worse... Two weeks ago I filled out a forum for medical records request from a hospital. On the forum I put my phone number and email address as contact information, NEVER did I put my home address. Well, turns out they sent a letter to me in the mail. How do I know? Because my abuser put it on the couch. I'm so pissed. I live in an abusive environment and I PURPOSEFULLY didn't write my home address as contact info because I do not want my abuser knowing this information. Now my wellbeing is in even more danger. I know no one gives a fuck about trauma victims, I mean it's obvious by the lack of care or consideration when it comes to situations like these, but FUCK!!! FUCK THE PERSON WHO DIDN'T PROPERLY DO THEIR JOB!!! IDC IF YOU THINK IM BEING UNREASONABLE! One simple mistake but I'm the only one that has to live with those consequences. Life isn't fair. No wonder people kill themselves every single day their probably like me and no one fucking understands and acts so carelessly. FUCK THIS SOCIETY. HOPEFULLY I GET ABUSED TO DEATH SO I NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS GOD AWUL SHITHOLE CALLED EARTH EVER AGAIN. This has to be hell. Why is everything so awful all the time? Why can I never have a good day? What did I do to deserve this?
