Seven Threads
Iterator
- Mar 5, 2023
- 115
So. Would you like to tell us what you're doing?
I'm starting a thread. Thought I could use a journal of sorts to talk about my own mental health. Seems like as good a place as any.
Dude. I get it, yeah? But you think, like, folk might find it a bit confusing? I mean, even we know this whole thing's like a bit much, ya know?
Yeah, I know. I guess I'm being a little selfish right now. But I'm gonna allow that. I've got a lot going on, kinda need this.
You know that we trust your judgement. If this is important to you, of course you have our support. We will assist you in whatever manner you deem is best.
Speak fer yerself, sis! Boss-man's an ass, an' ya know it! 'E prolly jus' wants ta show off an' all tha', bet'cha anythin'!
Shut up, Eziol.
Bite me, fleabag!
Come on, guys! Could we not fight right now? This is really important to him! >.<
Come now, you know they have to. It's almost like a ritual at this point. They'll be alright. Though perhaps he'd best get started before there are any more sudden interruptions?
Yeah, best of luck with that! It's in our nature. xD
Thank you, Don. Everyone. I appreciate it.
Here for ya, Dude! So, like...uh, what's this all about and stuff?
Well, I kinda thought I'd just start by talking about sort of my own history where it comes to mental health and everything. I mean, I've never struggled with SI, so there's that, but this is the Recovery thread, right? It's not as if you're either wanting to ctb or peachy keen and there's nothing in between the two.
A fair observation, though I would surmise that it probably does not need to be stated in a place like this. I could easily see that being interpreted in ways that are potentially problematic.
Okay, yeah, fair. Sorry.
No need. This is, as they say, your story. You have stated that, despite never experiencing any significant desire to ctb or otherwise self-harm, you nonetheless have a history of struggling with mental health. Can I ask you to elaborate on that?
I mean, where do I even begin? There's...so much. I guess I could point out chronic depression as a start? There's frequent struggles with anhedonia. The occasional bout of imposter syndrome. All kinds of executive dysfunction issues, autism, adhd. And that's without even getting into all the social stigma issues. It's a lot.
Ya seem pretty smart fer an autistic kid! Ya sure there ain't been some kinda mis-diagnose on'a part o' some quack ou' there?
That's a myth. And a pernicious one. Autism will get you in all sorts of ways, and they don't all present the way you think they might. Truth is there's tons of really smart people out there who are autists.
If I may, how do you feel you are holding up right now? In terms of your mental health, I mean. In general.
Right now? I'd say I'm doing all right. I'm depressed, as per usual. Been sleeping a lot. Struggling with drive and motivation. Can't clean my house to save my fucking soul. Basic tasks seem all but impossible unless I'm in panic mode, like doing my charting at work for example, or medicating my cat. But I'm getting by. I think the whole political engagement thing is helping? Kinda? Like, I've got a whole fuck-ton of things to be scared of, but I can work when I'm scared. I can do stuff. Panic is an excellent motivator. And being engaged has kinda made me some new friends who think I'm awesome, and I get to dress up and scream my head off and fight for the things I believe in. Which...feels really good. Doesn't really fix anything, but God does it help for a little while.
You've been volunteering at protests, as I understand it?
Yeah. Too many things going on to just stick my head in the sand. I mean, I can barely function on a day to day basis. Folk like me should be leaning on others for help just to get by, not going out there and trying to save democracy. But that's where we're at right now.
The world is what it is. We don't get to make excuses. You take it as it comes or you die.
Yeah, I guess that's it, basically.
I think it's awesome that you're making new friends and getting to do exciting stuff! Maybe this is really good for you!
Okay, yeah. I'll admit, that part does feel really good. But I also wish I didn't have to. I mean, as much as getting involved has kinda improved my mental state, I would really prefer it wasn't even necessary. I mean, the world being the way it is is one of the big reasons I'm so screwed up in the first place.
Not screwed up! We talked about this. You are what you are, and there is nothing wrong with that! It's all just a response to your environment, there isn't any sense being critical of it.
I know! I know. I am slime and all that. It's just, it's way easier to tell other people that than to really feel it myself, you know?
We do. Believe me, we do. I have watched you express profound kindness on many occasions towards others who are unjustly cruel to their own selves. You give truly good advice! You should listen to it some time.
Okay, yeah. Ha ha, very funny. :/
It wasn't a joke. <3
Dude, like, he's not wrong, ya know? You're so kind to, like, everyone? And it's like, ya know, only person I ever see you be mean to is you. I guess like everyone's that way? Are all kind people like super harsh to themselves and stuff?
Sometimes I wonder about that. This isn't really a side of myself people get to see very often. Guess this is what you call being vulnerable.
Is that what this is about? Exposing yourself?
I mean, kinda? Not completely. The thing is, sometimes things just suck. And I kinda need a place to vent about that? I'm so used to just bottling it all up and trying to just sublimate it by being good to other people. And it's not like I'm going to stop doing that. I feel like a better person, like I'm something...a little brighter when I get to make things just a little better for someone else. But maybe I need to be honest sometimes, and have a place where I can just say "hey, I feel bad, and this sucks, and I wanna talk about it".
Toootally get that, Dude. Jus' gotta let it all out, ya know?
Yeah, but also, I really wanted to do that with all of you. And it's hard sometimes. I think I do this better in writing than just up in my head? And it makes me more honest. But it's also hard, you know? It takes a lot of work, and a lot of the time I'm just not up to it. And I guess it kinda feels easier if I'm doing it for someone else instead of just me? Like, I know this is performative, and a lot of folks here are going to wonder just what the hell is going on. Especially since I haven't exactly taken the time yet to properly introduce you all or anything. But something about doing it publicly kinda makes it easier to drum up the drive to actually sit down and get it done? I dunno. I just...I really want to talk to you guys about stuff. And it's hard. And I feel bad. And I want you here.
You don't have to explain anything. We understand. Truly, we do.
'Ow could we not!? We's all livin' righ' up there in yer head where all'a them feelins are! Piece'a advice? Jus' take th' damn stick outta yer ass, do what'cha gotta do, an' stop 'pologizin so damn much. Yer valid, Boss-man!
That is...surprisingly insightful. For once.
Aww! They do love each other!! xD
Don't push your luck.
We hear you. It is only human to want to be seen and known. Perhaps you are right, and this is somewhat performative. But I believe it is also honest. And if this is what you need to unravel some of your own suffering, of course we will be here to help you through it.
That said, and I hope you take this in good spirits, maybe do introduce us next time? I imagine there's at least some who will want some answers.
Okay, yeah. Yeah, I can do that. And...thanks. for letting me vent just a bit. I'll keep doing this. I think maybe it's what I need right now.
We'll be here! See you around for the next one!! :3
I'm starting a thread. Thought I could use a journal of sorts to talk about my own mental health. Seems like as good a place as any.
Dude. I get it, yeah? But you think, like, folk might find it a bit confusing? I mean, even we know this whole thing's like a bit much, ya know?
Yeah, I know. I guess I'm being a little selfish right now. But I'm gonna allow that. I've got a lot going on, kinda need this.
You know that we trust your judgement. If this is important to you, of course you have our support. We will assist you in whatever manner you deem is best.
Speak fer yerself, sis! Boss-man's an ass, an' ya know it! 'E prolly jus' wants ta show off an' all tha', bet'cha anythin'!
Shut up, Eziol.
Bite me, fleabag!
Come on, guys! Could we not fight right now? This is really important to him! >.<
Come now, you know they have to. It's almost like a ritual at this point. They'll be alright. Though perhaps he'd best get started before there are any more sudden interruptions?
Yeah, best of luck with that! It's in our nature. xD
Thank you, Don. Everyone. I appreciate it.
Here for ya, Dude! So, like...uh, what's this all about and stuff?
Well, I kinda thought I'd just start by talking about sort of my own history where it comes to mental health and everything. I mean, I've never struggled with SI, so there's that, but this is the Recovery thread, right? It's not as if you're either wanting to ctb or peachy keen and there's nothing in between the two.
A fair observation, though I would surmise that it probably does not need to be stated in a place like this. I could easily see that being interpreted in ways that are potentially problematic.
Okay, yeah, fair. Sorry.
No need. This is, as they say, your story. You have stated that, despite never experiencing any significant desire to ctb or otherwise self-harm, you nonetheless have a history of struggling with mental health. Can I ask you to elaborate on that?
I mean, where do I even begin? There's...so much. I guess I could point out chronic depression as a start? There's frequent struggles with anhedonia. The occasional bout of imposter syndrome. All kinds of executive dysfunction issues, autism, adhd. And that's without even getting into all the social stigma issues. It's a lot.
Ya seem pretty smart fer an autistic kid! Ya sure there ain't been some kinda mis-diagnose on'a part o' some quack ou' there?
That's a myth. And a pernicious one. Autism will get you in all sorts of ways, and they don't all present the way you think they might. Truth is there's tons of really smart people out there who are autists.
If I may, how do you feel you are holding up right now? In terms of your mental health, I mean. In general.
Right now? I'd say I'm doing all right. I'm depressed, as per usual. Been sleeping a lot. Struggling with drive and motivation. Can't clean my house to save my fucking soul. Basic tasks seem all but impossible unless I'm in panic mode, like doing my charting at work for example, or medicating my cat. But I'm getting by. I think the whole political engagement thing is helping? Kinda? Like, I've got a whole fuck-ton of things to be scared of, but I can work when I'm scared. I can do stuff. Panic is an excellent motivator. And being engaged has kinda made me some new friends who think I'm awesome, and I get to dress up and scream my head off and fight for the things I believe in. Which...feels really good. Doesn't really fix anything, but God does it help for a little while.
You've been volunteering at protests, as I understand it?
Yeah. Too many things going on to just stick my head in the sand. I mean, I can barely function on a day to day basis. Folk like me should be leaning on others for help just to get by, not going out there and trying to save democracy. But that's where we're at right now.
The world is what it is. We don't get to make excuses. You take it as it comes or you die.
Yeah, I guess that's it, basically.
I think it's awesome that you're making new friends and getting to do exciting stuff! Maybe this is really good for you!
Okay, yeah. I'll admit, that part does feel really good. But I also wish I didn't have to. I mean, as much as getting involved has kinda improved my mental state, I would really prefer it wasn't even necessary. I mean, the world being the way it is is one of the big reasons I'm so screwed up in the first place.
Not screwed up! We talked about this. You are what you are, and there is nothing wrong with that! It's all just a response to your environment, there isn't any sense being critical of it.
I know! I know. I am slime and all that. It's just, it's way easier to tell other people that than to really feel it myself, you know?
We do. Believe me, we do. I have watched you express profound kindness on many occasions towards others who are unjustly cruel to their own selves. You give truly good advice! You should listen to it some time.
Okay, yeah. Ha ha, very funny. :/
It wasn't a joke. <3
Dude, like, he's not wrong, ya know? You're so kind to, like, everyone? And it's like, ya know, only person I ever see you be mean to is you. I guess like everyone's that way? Are all kind people like super harsh to themselves and stuff?
Sometimes I wonder about that. This isn't really a side of myself people get to see very often. Guess this is what you call being vulnerable.
Is that what this is about? Exposing yourself?
I mean, kinda? Not completely. The thing is, sometimes things just suck. And I kinda need a place to vent about that? I'm so used to just bottling it all up and trying to just sublimate it by being good to other people. And it's not like I'm going to stop doing that. I feel like a better person, like I'm something...a little brighter when I get to make things just a little better for someone else. But maybe I need to be honest sometimes, and have a place where I can just say "hey, I feel bad, and this sucks, and I wanna talk about it".
Toootally get that, Dude. Jus' gotta let it all out, ya know?
Yeah, but also, I really wanted to do that with all of you. And it's hard sometimes. I think I do this better in writing than just up in my head? And it makes me more honest. But it's also hard, you know? It takes a lot of work, and a lot of the time I'm just not up to it. And I guess it kinda feels easier if I'm doing it for someone else instead of just me? Like, I know this is performative, and a lot of folks here are going to wonder just what the hell is going on. Especially since I haven't exactly taken the time yet to properly introduce you all or anything. But something about doing it publicly kinda makes it easier to drum up the drive to actually sit down and get it done? I dunno. I just...I really want to talk to you guys about stuff. And it's hard. And I feel bad. And I want you here.
You don't have to explain anything. We understand. Truly, we do.
'Ow could we not!? We's all livin' righ' up there in yer head where all'a them feelins are! Piece'a advice? Jus' take th' damn stick outta yer ass, do what'cha gotta do, an' stop 'pologizin so damn much. Yer valid, Boss-man!
That is...surprisingly insightful. For once.
Aww! They do love each other!! xD
Don't push your luck.
We hear you. It is only human to want to be seen and known. Perhaps you are right, and this is somewhat performative. But I believe it is also honest. And if this is what you need to unravel some of your own suffering, of course we will be here to help you through it.
That said, and I hope you take this in good spirits, maybe do introduce us next time? I imagine there's at least some who will want some answers.
Okay, yeah. Yeah, I can do that. And...thanks. for letting me vent just a bit. I'll keep doing this. I think maybe it's what I need right now.
We'll be here! See you around for the next one!! :3
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