I've been thinking a lot recently. It's been just over a year since I was moved to The Bunker (my house) against my will by my brother and sister. A lot has changed in that time. I nearly died, I nearly killed myself, I've lost good friends and gained new ones.
The Spring and great weather brought a gradual positive slant in my attitude. I stopped looking for a cure all to my physical issues and started being realistic. I began to accept things I couldn't change and try to change the things I could. I did this not by doing what doctors or family said, but by listening to my body and observing my environment.
Instead of trying to force a positive change, I've tried to allow a change to happen by being open to it, and nudging it along with some research and carefully considered gradual action.
This started when I left the house and began scavenging the streets and woodland for the plants and materials I'd need to improve the garden/yard. I let the design of the yarden be determined by what was available and planted what I took from the woods or back field in the same conditions. I knew next to nothing about gardening, but observing, listening, replicating conditions and a little on-line research have led to a lovely place to be in, that has been hugely beneficial to my state of mind.
And whilst the exercise hasn't cured my ills, it's certainly helped me feel more capable, active and less unhealthy.
I've used the same principle in my diet and my supplementation regime. I've tried to give my body what it needs by listening to my intuition and also researching what may be the best diet and supplements for me, to give my body the best chance it has to fight my illness.
And sleep. Go back ten months and I was getting less than an hour a night, which was punishing to say the least. Now I can go the whole night in glorious sleep, something that ten months ago I'd never have imagined. When asked how I've managed this, I can't really answer, I've no idea, unless I come out with some Zen shit like "I've allowed it to happen by listening to my body." That really is my best answer.
There is a point here.
How do we live our lives? Do we expect too much from others whilst not doing enough to live up to our own responsibilities to ourselves?
My answer to that, for me, is yes.
At one end of the scale, things are far too controlled. Humanity seeks to control everything. We manipulate our entire environment to our benefit; our diet, our medicine, our health, our technology…everything. We use one drug to counter one symptom and another to counter the side effects of the first drug. We treat the effects of things, without observing and listening to what the causes really are. And then we wonder why everything is out of balance and careering towards a cliff edge.
I have behaved like that, most of my life.
At the other end of the scale, there is neglect. Allowing nature to take it's course. Living in disease and squalor, chucking our shit in the back alleys (which incidentally, I will rummage through and scavenge anything of use). Letting the garden grow out and fend for itself. Not thinking about what we eat or drink and just doing whatever we want because it's easier in the short term.
I've also been guilty of some of that too.
Many of you will have read my gardening stories and you may have come to realise how I've been using it as a way to treat myself, both physically and mentally.
But there is more to it for me.
I've been trying to re-align my attitudes to myself, the world and life. I've been trying to find a natural balance between control and going with the flow.
The spare plot of land I'm currently working on is a good example. I could, if I wanted, impose my will on it and over design something like you see on the gardening makeover shows. That sort of thing leaves me cold though.
Or I could just have left it all as weeds and let nature fight it out for what survived.
I've taken a middle path. I'm trying to let it design itself with the materials I've managed to scavenge, putting the terraces where they seem to want to go and the path where it feels most natural. Noting the break of slope and how to revet it correctly, but not imposing my will too much on where things naturally seem to want to go.
It's a balance between control and neglect that finds its place in allowing things to be how they seem to want to be, but giving them a gentle nudge in the direction I would like them to go in too.
With my OCD, this is actually very difficult.
I have a need to control and get things precise. Hover, I've noted that the OCD also gives me the ability to understand what appears to work best. It's both a strength and a weakness. I'm exploring my relationship with my OCD as I do the work, and trying to modulate my attitude towards life accordingly.
I've still got a long way to go. I'm stronger than I was, but I still have failure in my rear view mirror, as do we all. I'm not as independent as I want to be, nor as mobile or healthy. I've had to be realistic, adjust my expectations and do the best that I can with what I find around me.
The Spring and great weather brought a gradual positive slant in my attitude. I stopped looking for a cure all to my physical issues and started being realistic. I began to accept things I couldn't change and try to change the things I could. I did this not by doing what doctors or family said, but by listening to my body and observing my environment.
Instead of trying to force a positive change, I've tried to allow a change to happen by being open to it, and nudging it along with some research and carefully considered gradual action.
This started when I left the house and began scavenging the streets and woodland for the plants and materials I'd need to improve the garden/yard. I let the design of the yarden be determined by what was available and planted what I took from the woods or back field in the same conditions. I knew next to nothing about gardening, but observing, listening, replicating conditions and a little on-line research have led to a lovely place to be in, that has been hugely beneficial to my state of mind.
And whilst the exercise hasn't cured my ills, it's certainly helped me feel more capable, active and less unhealthy.
I've used the same principle in my diet and my supplementation regime. I've tried to give my body what it needs by listening to my intuition and also researching what may be the best diet and supplements for me, to give my body the best chance it has to fight my illness.
And sleep. Go back ten months and I was getting less than an hour a night, which was punishing to say the least. Now I can go the whole night in glorious sleep, something that ten months ago I'd never have imagined. When asked how I've managed this, I can't really answer, I've no idea, unless I come out with some Zen shit like "I've allowed it to happen by listening to my body." That really is my best answer.
There is a point here.
How do we live our lives? Do we expect too much from others whilst not doing enough to live up to our own responsibilities to ourselves?
My answer to that, for me, is yes.
At one end of the scale, things are far too controlled. Humanity seeks to control everything. We manipulate our entire environment to our benefit; our diet, our medicine, our health, our technology…everything. We use one drug to counter one symptom and another to counter the side effects of the first drug. We treat the effects of things, without observing and listening to what the causes really are. And then we wonder why everything is out of balance and careering towards a cliff edge.
I have behaved like that, most of my life.
At the other end of the scale, there is neglect. Allowing nature to take it's course. Living in disease and squalor, chucking our shit in the back alleys (which incidentally, I will rummage through and scavenge anything of use). Letting the garden grow out and fend for itself. Not thinking about what we eat or drink and just doing whatever we want because it's easier in the short term.
I've also been guilty of some of that too.
Many of you will have read my gardening stories and you may have come to realise how I've been using it as a way to treat myself, both physically and mentally.
But there is more to it for me.
I've been trying to re-align my attitudes to myself, the world and life. I've been trying to find a natural balance between control and going with the flow.
The spare plot of land I'm currently working on is a good example. I could, if I wanted, impose my will on it and over design something like you see on the gardening makeover shows. That sort of thing leaves me cold though.
Or I could just have left it all as weeds and let nature fight it out for what survived.
I've taken a middle path. I'm trying to let it design itself with the materials I've managed to scavenge, putting the terraces where they seem to want to go and the path where it feels most natural. Noting the break of slope and how to revet it correctly, but not imposing my will too much on where things naturally seem to want to go.
It's a balance between control and neglect that finds its place in allowing things to be how they seem to want to be, but giving them a gentle nudge in the direction I would like them to go in too.
With my OCD, this is actually very difficult.
I have a need to control and get things precise. Hover, I've noted that the OCD also gives me the ability to understand what appears to work best. It's both a strength and a weakness. I'm exploring my relationship with my OCD as I do the work, and trying to modulate my attitude towards life accordingly.
I've still got a long way to go. I'm stronger than I was, but I still have failure in my rear view mirror, as do we all. I'm not as independent as I want to be, nor as mobile or healthy. I've had to be realistic, adjust my expectations and do the best that I can with what I find around me.
