Continuing to exist out of obligation...

[Barf]

I have posted about this before, it's a problem that seems to dominate my life. One that I'm assuming many of you can relate to.

I earnestly want to die, I've fantasized about it for so long. This time last year I was feeling so apathetic about life, and since then my condition has worsened to a state of misery.

My insomnia is out of control, I'm tired, and I want out. The only problem is that there are so many people around me who love me, and who's lives I could potentially ruin (at least for a while) with my death.

I feel so ungrateful that they aren't enough to fulfill me. Especially since there are some people who are new additions in my life, people who I had specifically sought out and purposely fostered close connections with because the closeness and affection I experience with them is truly is one of my only joys in life.

However, their love doesn't resolve the other issues which have made me suicidal in the first place.

This causes both feelings of resentment and guilt. Some days I get so tired. If it weren't for my family, friends and the others who love me, I would have been gone a long time ago. I live for them, and I feel as though there are strings on me in this way.

But again, I also feel so guilty. I feel deceitful. Why allow someone to develop feelings for you if you're not planning on being around for very long? I feel very selfish for that....

 

[MorticiasHair]

I have the same problem. It's eating me up.

 

[Barf]

I have the same problem. It's eating me up.

I wish there was a way to die without incidentally ruining people and hurting them.

 

[Chiyuki99]

All I can think about is how my boyfriend and my few close friends will react to it. I was thinking about acting a fool so they will hate me before I do it and therefore won't be so sad.

 

[Barf]

All I can think about is how my boyfriend and my few close friends will react to it. I was thinking about acting a fool so they will hate me before I do it and therefore won't be so sad.

I have thought about this and feel as though I also subconsciously sabotage relationships for this purpose. I don't want to hurt anyone, but you know, just becoming a bastard no one will miss does somehow seem kinder. Is that crazy?

 

[Chiyuki99]

I have thought about this and feel as though I also subconsciously sabotage relationships for this purpose. I don't want to hurt anyone, but you know, just becoming a bastard no one will miss does somehow seem kinder. Is that crazy?

To be honest, if you would act like a bastard so that everyone hates you and shortly after you ended yourself people would probably know that you purposely tried to make them hate you so they would suffer less. And that would would probably make them even more devastated about your death because your selfless act in trying to make them hate you would show them just how beautiful, strong and selfless you were because you tried to protect them from pain while you were hurting yourself.
This situation is f**** up :(

 

[thereandgone]

All I can think about is how my boyfriend and my few close friends will react to it. I was thinking about acting a fool so they will hate me before I do it and therefore won't be so sad.

To be honest, I don't think you should do that. Their anger at you would quickly pass and they would regret parting with you on bad terms. They might even hold themselves responsible.

 

[ghostgirl1995]

I've been doing the same I feel so guilty for people getting close to me. I really still am trying to go though

 

[Chiyuki99]

To be honest, I don't think you should do that. Their anger at you would quickly pass and they would regret parting with you on bad terms. They might even hold themselves responsible.

The people I love blaming themselves is one of my biggest fears. I don't want them to get depression or even suicidal thoughts because of what I did.