Discussion Contending with my Own Toxic Behaviour

[Spectre]

I'm starting to seriously reconsider if I am a victim. Every day when I wake up, I feel like I have a moment of clarity when I can finally see my behaviour from other people's perspective. I seem aggressive, vindictive and obsessed. A short while later, I start second-guessing all of that again. I'm not sure if it's my medication that's helping clear my mind or if I'm losing it. One thing is clear. I treat people like they don't matter because I believe I don't matter. I've been treated like I don't matter for so long that I assume I am incapable of hurting people because they probably don't see me as anything. Then when I do, and they retaliate I take that as evidence of my ownself self-worth. It's a toxic cycle that ruins my relationships and puts me in a cycle of more self-loathing. The worst part is that my anger and unstable sense of self causes this to keep happening. Even when I'm self-aware, I can't seem to stop it.

 

[BlueLock]

I relate heavily to this. I wish it wasn't so painful to consider how I look from an outsiders perspective but it is. I wish there was a quick fix for it all but there isn't. I hope this doesn't come off as rude but have you ever looked into BPD treatment/help, specifically dbt? A lot of what you typed falls in line with BPD symptoms, and there is treatment available for people like us.

 

[HypoLP]

I understand you, but it is great if u are able to start to see yourself objective. Only you should probably also look for pro help.