merricat
awake and unafraid, asleep or dead <3
- Jan 27, 2024
- 4
May 2nd 2024 is the day I'm obsessing over. That's the day I plan to ctb, if I do decide to go through with it. Why? Many smaller reasons, all piled up.
I can't be inside myself. My mental health issues make living very difficult. I have OCD, and I have had it for a few years now. It makes me want to tear myself apart to get away from the thoughts. The severeness ebbs and flows, but it seems it won't entirely leave me. I also struggle with self harm, in a way. I cut myself, but the bigger problem is hitting myself. It stops the OCD thoughts. I do it many times a day, mostly with my fists, but sometimes with objects. I've tried to stop, but I've been doing it since I was in elementary, it's so integrated into my life, it's my go-to coping mechanism. I also struggle with high anxiety, and an eating disorder. Both of which I've had since I was a child. I've tried therapy, but it's been unhelpful. I wonder if therapy would work if I put more effort into it, though, because I feel with my therapists in the past i haven't put enough effort in. Though, I fear anti-suicide measures will be used against me because I'm still not a legal adult in my country.
It seems people don't like me. I only have a few friends, and finding a girlfriend seems impossible, though, again, I don't really put much effort into the girlfriend thing. Im too insecure to ask anybody out. I'm obsessed with a straight girl, who has a boyfriend. She's perfect, but I know I'll never have her. I've been like this for about a year and a half now, and it's torture. I wish I could just be rid of my feelings and have her as a friend, but they won't leave. Lesbianism and virginity have done irreparable things to me lol. But, back to the friends. It seems nobody likes me. I've struggled to make friends since I was a child. I think I'm an odd person, with a lot of problems, I just want to party and hang out, but it seems nobody wants to do that with me. For the few friends I do have, I'm not their best friend, it seems I'm always getting ignored for somebody else.
Everybody at my school is so shallow and boring, too, I don't really like them either. I'll be out of here soonish, I'm eighteen, in the 11th grade, but It seems if I've had social problems since I was a small child, they aren't just going to disappear once I get to college or further. Plus, people say everything just gets worse as you get older.
On the world. I don't want to live here. I don't want to work, no careers appeal to me. I don't want to live the rest of my life in a 9-5. Being an adult seems like hell.
I also struggle with IBS and other mysterious chronic pain. It sucks, I don't really know what to say. Painful and embarrassing and makes school harder. I don't want to live with it for another 70 something years. My body is young now, but I fear how bad I'll be when I get older.
And then there's the dissociation. That came in recently. It's hell, though I don't think it'll stay for long.
All-in-all, it seems I'm not meant for this world. My body and my brain are making it impossible for me to be a functioning person. I don't know if it'll get better as I get older. I've been intensely suffering for years now, and insisting to myself soon it'll get better, and it hasn't gotten better. I have the same problems over and over again. Even when things are good, I know soon I'll feel terrible again. That's the thing. I guess for me, I'll only stay if the good outways the bad, and it sure doesn't right now.
However, there's a couple things tethering me down. My parents would be devastated, and I have illogical hope for the future. I don't know whether to wait it out, in hopes it'll get better, or end it now, being pretty sure it won't.
-Lots of Love, Merricat <3
Ps: sorry for the messiness and any mistakes, I wrote this on mobile, impulsively. I feel like this post doesn't really cover everything, but that's okay, I'm just venting.
I can't be inside myself. My mental health issues make living very difficult. I have OCD, and I have had it for a few years now. It makes me want to tear myself apart to get away from the thoughts. The severeness ebbs and flows, but it seems it won't entirely leave me. I also struggle with self harm, in a way. I cut myself, but the bigger problem is hitting myself. It stops the OCD thoughts. I do it many times a day, mostly with my fists, but sometimes with objects. I've tried to stop, but I've been doing it since I was in elementary, it's so integrated into my life, it's my go-to coping mechanism. I also struggle with high anxiety, and an eating disorder. Both of which I've had since I was a child. I've tried therapy, but it's been unhelpful. I wonder if therapy would work if I put more effort into it, though, because I feel with my therapists in the past i haven't put enough effort in. Though, I fear anti-suicide measures will be used against me because I'm still not a legal adult in my country.
It seems people don't like me. I only have a few friends, and finding a girlfriend seems impossible, though, again, I don't really put much effort into the girlfriend thing. Im too insecure to ask anybody out. I'm obsessed with a straight girl, who has a boyfriend. She's perfect, but I know I'll never have her. I've been like this for about a year and a half now, and it's torture. I wish I could just be rid of my feelings and have her as a friend, but they won't leave. Lesbianism and virginity have done irreparable things to me lol. But, back to the friends. It seems nobody likes me. I've struggled to make friends since I was a child. I think I'm an odd person, with a lot of problems, I just want to party and hang out, but it seems nobody wants to do that with me. For the few friends I do have, I'm not their best friend, it seems I'm always getting ignored for somebody else.
Everybody at my school is so shallow and boring, too, I don't really like them either. I'll be out of here soonish, I'm eighteen, in the 11th grade, but It seems if I've had social problems since I was a small child, they aren't just going to disappear once I get to college or further. Plus, people say everything just gets worse as you get older.
On the world. I don't want to live here. I don't want to work, no careers appeal to me. I don't want to live the rest of my life in a 9-5. Being an adult seems like hell.
I also struggle with IBS and other mysterious chronic pain. It sucks, I don't really know what to say. Painful and embarrassing and makes school harder. I don't want to live with it for another 70 something years. My body is young now, but I fear how bad I'll be when I get older.
And then there's the dissociation. That came in recently. It's hell, though I don't think it'll stay for long.
All-in-all, it seems I'm not meant for this world. My body and my brain are making it impossible for me to be a functioning person. I don't know if it'll get better as I get older. I've been intensely suffering for years now, and insisting to myself soon it'll get better, and it hasn't gotten better. I have the same problems over and over again. Even when things are good, I know soon I'll feel terrible again. That's the thing. I guess for me, I'll only stay if the good outways the bad, and it sure doesn't right now.
However, there's a couple things tethering me down. My parents would be devastated, and I have illogical hope for the future. I don't know whether to wait it out, in hopes it'll get better, or end it now, being pretty sure it won't.
-Lots of Love, Merricat <3
Ps: sorry for the messiness and any mistakes, I wrote this on mobile, impulsively. I feel like this post doesn't really cover everything, but that's okay, I'm just venting.
