Contemplating another attempt

[FusRohDracarys]

It's been some time since I've been on the site. Been trying to get better, I guess. Been back sliding these last few days.

I am presented with a unique opportunity to CTB. I am not in my home state. I am at my partner's parents' house. In the middle of butt fuck no where. Before, I was torn at the prospect of knowing my partner would be the person to find my body and be traumatized by me having CTB in our home. Here, I could leave in the dead of night and walk down to the river and drown. It's cold and deep. The cold would shock my system and perhaps render me unable to swim to safety. If timed correctly, I could do it so that no one would be around to interfere. I could leave my phone at home, unlocked and with my last words as drafted text messages for each recipient. My partner would be here and would find my phone when he tried to call to give him closure. His parents would be here to console him. He wouldn't be traumatized by finding the body or by knowing it happened in his home. Perhaps he might blame himself for bringing us out here, but regardless of where or when I chose to do it, he would inevitably find a way of blaming himself.

But there would only be one shot at this. If I did it, I would have to be certain beyond a doubt that I would be successful. I'm not sure if I've thought it through well enough.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Hey! I've been wondering how you've been, mate. I know this is said over and over, but if you have any doubts it may be best to wait. I understand this is an opportunity you won't really get again, but suicide is a huge decision.

 

[Caspers]

Just thinking, there is a small chance it could get locked if it runs out of battery/if you made a mistake, have you considered having no password/writing a password? Also will you do a factory reset beforehand so people can't see your sensitive information (one user here mentioned that factory reset doesn't 100% wipe it, but I'm not certain about that)?

Also I hope you find peace whatever you choose, and I'm glad you've chosen not to do it in their house. Good luck with your decision

 

[Anonymoussn]

The cold would shock my system and perhaps render me unable to swim to safety.

This is something you cannot reliably predict. And I can only think your body would be less likely to go into shock if you were intending to go into the water, and had mentally prepared for it. I think that there is a strong likelihood that you would be able to swim to safety. Drowning is extremely difficult without weighing yourself down because of your natural SI

Personally I would say this would deter me from trying this.

 

[whywere]

This is something you cannot reliably predict. And I can only think your body would be less likely to go into shock if you were intending to go into the water, and had mentally prepared for it. I think that there is a strong likelihood that you would be able to swim to safety. Drowning is extremely difficult without weighing yourself down because of your natural SI

Personally I would say this would deter me from trying this.

I totally agree with you, that this way would deter me as far as too many ifs. Thank you for such great thoughts!

 

[fat feet]

It's been some time since I've been on the site. Been trying to get better, I guess. Been back sliding these last few days.

I am presented with a unique opportunity to CTB. I am not in my home state. I am at my partner's parents' house. In the middle of butt fuck no where. Before, I was torn at the prospect of knowing my partner would be the person to find my body and be traumatized by me having CTB in our home. Here, I could leave in the dead of night and walk down to the river and drown. It's cold and deep. The cold would shock my system and perhaps render me unable to swim to safety. If timed correctly, I could do it so that no one would be around to interfere. I could leave my phone at home, unlocked and with my last words as drafted text messages for each recipient. My partner would be here and would find my phone when he tried to call to give him closure. His parents would be here to console him. He wouldn't be traumatized by finding the body or by knowing it happened in his home. Perhaps he might blame himself for bringing us out here, but regardless of where or when I chose to do it, he would inevitably find a way of blaming himself.

But there would only be one shot at this. If I did it, I would have to be certain beyond a doubt that I would be successful. I'm not sure if I've thought it through well enough.

Whatever happens I wish you well. You do sound like someone with a very good heart and care very deeply for the your people.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

just because the opportunity is there doesn't mean you have to take it. it's best to think about this some more if you're still unsure.

wishing you peace no matter what you decide.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

(one user here mentioned that factory reset doesn't 100% wipe it, but I'm not certain about that)?

I can confirm that, a factory reset doesn't delete all data; a hard reset does. That's why if someone truly wants a the data completely wiped out a hard reset is the way to go.


To @FusRohDracarys , I don't know what I would do in that situation. But just wanted to wish you luck on your decision, whether is to stay or go to that river. Peace.

 

[icanhasnick]

with my last words as drafted text messages for each recipient

write them on paper. you never know if they will actually check your drafted messages, many things could happen.

 

[FusRohDracarys]

Thanks all. Probably won't.

My doubts haven't necessarily been around whether it's a mistake to CTB so much as doubting whether I was considering everything that might go wrong. Not sure if my original post was entirely clear. But anyway, I probably won't. My brain is tired and not working well so I don't really trust myself to not land myself in an inpatient facility right now.

 

[ladolcemorte]

Also, according to a website that ranks the painfulness of different methods (no idea how they deduce the rankings), death by drowning is a 79 out of 100 on the pain scale. More painful than almost all the other methods. (Except self immolation which is a 99 or something)