spiders.in.my.head
chronically stupid
- Dec 21, 2025
- 48
feeling guilty has become second nature to me. i can't remember a friendship in my conscious life where i didn't spend every second feeling like every negative emotion of those around me is my fault. someone becomes colder toward me? must be because i did something wrong. someone tells me that its not my fault? sure sounds like it's my fault.
every past friendship ending gets twisted in my mind to make myself feel like i deserved it, like i did something wrong, and like i am guilty. every negative interaction, every time i've felt abandoned or left aside, i feel like it's my own fault, even if i can come up with no reasons for it. i avoid people who have hurt me, not because i'm angry at them, but because i feel ashamed and guilty.
i noticed this just a little while ago, with a friend cutting me off. even though he was the one to cut me off, i found that i'm the one avoiding him and that i can't even look in his direction without feeling ashamed and disgusted of myself. i avoid him, like i'm the worst person alive and like i'm too ashamed and too guilty to apologize to him, but in reality, i don't even know what i should be apologizing for.
maybe it's not my actions that make me guilty, maybe it's just the essence of me. maybe i'm just passively such an awful person that i feel guilty without having to do anything. maybe just me existing is what i should apologize for.
every past friendship ending gets twisted in my mind to make myself feel like i deserved it, like i did something wrong, and like i am guilty. every negative interaction, every time i've felt abandoned or left aside, i feel like it's my own fault, even if i can come up with no reasons for it. i avoid people who have hurt me, not because i'm angry at them, but because i feel ashamed and guilty.
i noticed this just a little while ago, with a friend cutting me off. even though he was the one to cut me off, i found that i'm the one avoiding him and that i can't even look in his direction without feeling ashamed and disgusted of myself. i avoid him, like i'm the worst person alive and like i'm too ashamed and too guilty to apologize to him, but in reality, i don't even know what i should be apologizing for.
maybe it's not my actions that make me guilty, maybe it's just the essence of me. maybe i'm just passively such an awful person that i feel guilty without having to do anything. maybe just me existing is what i should apologize for.
