okkkk
just ignore me3
- Jun 28, 2019
- 97
I'm all too used to trying to explain the sharp decline in my body and mind. I'll skip the vivd descriptions of how grotesque my decent into self destruction was. My entire childhood I was one of those short sighted idiots obsessed with his "art" and truly believed it would get me somewhere in life. I was born to parents from a foreign country that only believe you can only have one of 3 high paying jobs. You can definitely guess what those occupations are. As a result I receive nothing but discouraging comments based on anything and everything I am doing wrong and even things im not doing wrong. Constant comparisons to anyone doing better than me in life. And a restricted boring stuffy existence whenever I have to stay here.
Im college aged. My time in school has been rough. Any and every friend that I thought I had has withered away. At this point I have no positive relationships in my life. Its been like this since highschool essentially. I am so tired of being alone. I literally have absolutley NO ONE. And its too much to bear. I know the issue has to be me.
Ive been on every antidepressant under the sun. I have extreme debilitating chronic anxiety. Theres been glimpses of it all my life but now It has gone past debilitating. Going into a space like a classroom or a party or even a cafeteria sends my body into a PROFUSE bout of intense sweating. Im talking complete soaked shirt and sweat pouring down my head. There is nothing more embarassing than being soaking wet. when its 65 degrees in the room. It seems like a fucking joke. I dont know if this is a side effect from some medication or something else entirely. On top of sweating profusely, my heart goes insane and I am filled with such fear that I just cant access the normal faculties that normal, non chronically anxious people enjoy. It is such an ordeal and I feel so much shame constantly for not being able to communicate correctly. Watching everyone connect and have relationships over the years is infuriating. I cant stress it enough. Its so shocking and catastrophic for my body and mind that Ive even failed to get an erection during sex. It is as mortifying as you are imagining. probably worse. Imagine watching every relationship you ever had get farther and farther away until you are completely alone for YEARS. I cant take it.
Its such a dumb little problem that controls every single discison I make. And this on top of having absolutley no support or friends to spend your youth with is a hell on earth. I find no reason to get out of bed and to tell the truth most days I dont. Its not worth having another public panic attack or ruining any more interpersonal relationships.
Now I am completely lost. There is nothing but negative stimulus coming in. I dream about being released from my strange sad existence. I wanted to make things. I wanted to make people happy with my art. This is all ive ever wanted and the thing that hurts the most is the fact that It seems unlikley That ill ever be able to create a life where I get to make things and have solid healthy relationships and get rid of all these horrible debilitating mental blocks. Im only getting older. Soon it will be too late and I just cant bear that.
Im college aged. My time in school has been rough. Any and every friend that I thought I had has withered away. At this point I have no positive relationships in my life. Its been like this since highschool essentially. I am so tired of being alone. I literally have absolutley NO ONE. And its too much to bear. I know the issue has to be me.
Ive been on every antidepressant under the sun. I have extreme debilitating chronic anxiety. Theres been glimpses of it all my life but now It has gone past debilitating. Going into a space like a classroom or a party or even a cafeteria sends my body into a PROFUSE bout of intense sweating. Im talking complete soaked shirt and sweat pouring down my head. There is nothing more embarassing than being soaking wet. when its 65 degrees in the room. It seems like a fucking joke. I dont know if this is a side effect from some medication or something else entirely. On top of sweating profusely, my heart goes insane and I am filled with such fear that I just cant access the normal faculties that normal, non chronically anxious people enjoy. It is such an ordeal and I feel so much shame constantly for not being able to communicate correctly. Watching everyone connect and have relationships over the years is infuriating. I cant stress it enough. Its so shocking and catastrophic for my body and mind that Ive even failed to get an erection during sex. It is as mortifying as you are imagining. probably worse. Imagine watching every relationship you ever had get farther and farther away until you are completely alone for YEARS. I cant take it.
Its such a dumb little problem that controls every single discison I make. And this on top of having absolutley no support or friends to spend your youth with is a hell on earth. I find no reason to get out of bed and to tell the truth most days I dont. Its not worth having another public panic attack or ruining any more interpersonal relationships.
Now I am completely lost. There is nothing but negative stimulus coming in. I dream about being released from my strange sad existence. I wanted to make things. I wanted to make people happy with my art. This is all ive ever wanted and the thing that hurts the most is the fact that It seems unlikley That ill ever be able to create a life where I get to make things and have solid healthy relationships and get rid of all these horrible debilitating mental blocks. Im only getting older. Soon it will be too late and I just cant bear that.
