constant thought of wanting to be abused

[404]

it's been a while since i posted here

every time i try to fix something in my life i always think about wanting to be abused and controled out of nowhere

it's weird i know but something about that feels comfortable for some reason. living without making any hard decisions in your life and just focusing on serving someone and making them happy is such a nice thought

 

[avaruus]

I can relate to that. Here's a cool 'analysis' / thoughts about codependency, might be interesting to you.

 

[puella]

I feel the same way about myself sometimes. Try to remember that inside of you is something precious that deserves to be treated kindly and protected. Everyone wants to be comforted, even if we feel too broken for it.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

Your answer is in your post. Abuse is just an extreme which you gravitate towards because of your lack of it, purpose, and direction. It's the same as saying you're so hungry that you can eat a horse but in reality you'd be perfectly satisfied with lunch.

It's a perfectly normal feeling which is exacerbated by "trying to fix things in your life" which is a threefold problem: the awareness, the desire, and the intent to fix it (which requires intimate knowledge of self), the the ability to plan the changes necessary (requires knowledge of the world around you), and the determination and willpower necessary to execute change. If you're religious you draw parallels to the trinity: the father the son, and the holy spirit; or head, heart, and gut.

Human beings are social creatures, it's more difficult to provide reward structures for yourself than it is to let someone else do it for you. It's like being the teacher, the student, and the principal all at once. Athletes don't usually coach themselves even at a professional level when they're already experts at their craft.

TL;DR You don't want to be abused you just want connection and support.

 

[claraisnotcarol]

for the people replying in this thread, I find very interesting all the things that you are saying. (@Jealous Blackheart)

do you think it could also be a form/need for self sabotage?
what I mean is, in my case, since I've gotten so comfortable in my own suffering, when things start to go well, it's like something is off, so I unconsciously start sabotaging my life. could this need of abuse be another kind of self sabotage since you say it specially happens when you are trying to fix things?

 

[playd3ad.]

i feel that a lot. it's because we're so used to the hurt that it became our comfort zone and we don't seem to wanna step out of it.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Your answer is in your post. Abuse is just an extreme which you gravitate towards because of your lack of it, purpose, and direction. It's the same as saying you're so hungry that you can eat a horse but in reality you'd be perfectly satisfied with lunch.

It's a perfectly normal feeling which is exacerbated by "trying to fix things in your life" which is a threefold problem: the awareness, the desire, and the intent to fix it (which requires intimate knowledge of self), the the ability to plan the changes necessary (requires knowledge of the world around you), and the determination and willpower necessary to execute change. If you're religious you draw parallels to the trinity: the father the son, and the holy spirit; or head, heart, and gut.

Human beings are social creatures, it's more difficult to provide reward structures for yourself than it is to let someone else do it for you. It's like being the teacher, the student, and the principal all at once. Athletes don't usually coach themselves even at a professional level when they're already experts at their craft.

TL;DR You don't want to be abused you just want connection and support.

Wow…yes.

Also, OP, yes.

Sorry if this is a completely pointless post but I'm at Spravato treatment so typing a lot is hard but this all resonates

 

[404]

It's the same as saying you're so hungry that you can eat a horse but in reality you'd be perfectly satisfied with lunch.

i guess that's true but being abused is much more likely than being supported that's why i really want that to happen to me

im desperate for attention and i don't really care if i get hurt in the process. i think that's better than being tormented mentally

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

I can relate to that. Here's a cool 'analysis' / thoughts about codependency, might be interesting to you.

This is beautiful.

for the people replying in this thread, I find very interesting all the things that you are saying. (@Jealous Blackheart)

do you think it could also be a form/need for self sabotage?
what I mean is, in my case, since I've gotten so comfortable in my own suffering, when things start to go well, it's like something is off, so I unconsciously start sabotaging my life. could this need of abuse be another kind of self sabotage since you say it specially happens when you are trying to fix things?

i feel that a lot. it's because we're so used to the hurt that it became our comfort zone and we don't seem to wanna step out of it.

This is a feature of the human condition, not a bug. "Neurons that fire together, wire together." It's a kind of homeostasis. Muscle memory. It's the way you can become nose blind and not notice scents you've always been around. It's the way you can speak without thinking about what sounds you need to make, or walk without thinking about what muscles you need to contract. It's even in your posture. Trying to break any habit, any way of always doing things, will require a great amount of deliberate and conscious effort, even if the thing you want is good for you.

"The devil you know is better than the devil you don't."
This quote is meaningful but it has layers. It doesn't just mean to be content and accept your problems because everything has problems anyway, it's not a moral "better", it's proficiency.

In short, change is possible, you can get better, you can rewire the way your neurons fire; but the deeper the hole you're in, the longer the climb out will be, even with a ladder, the more time those patterns have had to set in, the longer it will take. So if you're trying to fix things and it seems like it's not working, it is, you just have a long journey ahead before you can notice.

i guess that's true but being abused is much more likely than being supported that's why i really want that to happen to me

im desperate for attention and i don't really care if i get hurt in the process. i think that's better than being tormented mentally

Most people tend to regret decisions they make when they are desperate. Desperation is a breeding ground for regret. It's not something I tend to mind, but when I listen to people talk about things they wanted and eventually got with 20/20 hindsight vision and they point fingers at everyone else but themselves, and ignore the fact that they sought it out, it makes it hard to not scrutinize. For that I apologize. That said, I do understand.

It's an inverted value system. It's like if you go to a popular restaurant and there's a long line going down the block and you're at the end of it. Imagine another popular restaurant opens it doors right at the other end of the block. If everyone in line turns 180° to line up for the new restaurant, you're the first in line. Support is the popular restaurant. Abuse is the one down the block. You're closer to the one than the other, and desperate. Who wouldn't turn around? Like I said, it's completely normal.




I'm not a therapist. I'm not educated. These are personal anecdotes from a person who by societal standards is very mentally unwell so take it for what it's worth and don't assume it's objective.

 

[kilowatt]

I think the same way about punishing myself rather than get abused by some else. I find comfort in getting put in my place and waking up to reality. Probably why I stuck with violent coping mechanisms.