Venting Constant mental battle.

[OvertheRainbeaux]

I feel so dead inside, beat down, unmotivated to fix it. I can't deal with this anymore, this depression, the circumstances that cause me to feel this way. I lose everyone eventually because I'm a horrible person and sabotage myself. I know that.

I'm also trying to exhaust all my options before I kill myself but it's becoming pointless because nothing helps. I just want to CTB, but first of all I'm scared and second of all I don't have a good method. I have no money so I can't SN (yes even with how cheap it is) I lost my job; have no money at all, and am back at home with my mom.
Someone I care about very much has decided they want nothing to do with me and I can't say I blame them.
My family barely talks to me.
My friends don't talk to me.
I sabotage every single good thing in my life.
I HAVE to go otherwise I will deal with a lifetime of this misery. But I'm also the type of person who can't do it until I exhaust all my resources, I mean I guess that's only fair to myself anyways considering killing yourself is a very serious choice. I just can't deal with the abandonments, the disappointments, the events that cause me major pain in my life. And it's alwaaaayyyyyys, since I was a child. Its like I was born under a suffering star.
but you know what they say "The fault is not in our stars, but in ourselves"
Please pray that I find the strength to CTB because I really want to.

 

[Rhyme]

I feel so dead inside, beat down, unmotivated to fix it. I can't deal with this anymore, this depression, the circumstances that cause me to feel this way. I lose everyone eventually because I'm a horrible person and sabotage myself. I know that.

I understand how you feel. Especially when CTB is an option, it's extremely difficult to muster up the will to try to fix your problems.

I'm also trying to exhaust all my options before I kill myself but it's becoming pointless because nothing helps. I just want to CTB, but first of all I'm scared and second of all I don't have a good method. I have no money so I can't SN (yes even with how cheap it is) I lost my job; have no money at all, and am back at home with my mom.

To quote a post I made earlier:

Spoiler

As k75 said, I also think it should never be impulsive. You should be in a calm mood and mind when you finally make the decision and CTB. I also think; for most people; even a calm and planned attempt is scary as hell. It's the end of everything you know for certain, and off to the next stage, whatever that may be. With lots of methods it just takes a few moments of courage, and that's scary in its own right. It is quite literally the most important decision one can make in their life.

Impulsiveness is difficult though. I had a rule I got from another website that if I ever get the urge, I'll wait a week and if I still have the will I'll do it then. On a real nasty day once I broke the rule and instead flipped a coin. In hindsight, that was a massive mistake and you should never leave such an important decision to chance. But when you're in the depths of despair it's hard to see clearly.

In my opinion being scared isn't irrational, a character flaw, or even a negative.. exhausting all your options is massive. It takes so much effort just to try.. I'm sorry you lost your job. I lost mine and I'm also back at home now. It just straight sucks.

Someone I care about very much has decided they want nothing to do with me and I can't say I blame them.

This REALLY sucks.

My family barely talks to me.
My friends don't talk to me.

Easier said than done maybe, but I'm one of those who don't think being related by blood makes someone family. Besides my mom, and to a lesser extent, my sisters, I couldn't care less about my family. But I do know the pain of having the people you care about abandon you, or just not understand. It's just soul-crushing.

As for friends, they come and they go. I was lucky enough to find one who at least so far is sticking with me. I haven't talked to any of my other 'friends' in years.. I hate rehashing cliche advice, but make sure you aren't withdrawing from them. Make effort to keep contact.

I sabotage every single good thing in my life.
I HAVE to go otherwise I will deal with a lifetime of this misery. But I'm also the type of person who can't do it until I exhaust all my resources, I mean I guess that's only fair to myself anyways considering killing yourself is a very serious choice. I just can't deal with the abandonments, the disappointments, the events that cause me major pain in my life. And it's alwaaaayyyyyys, since I was a child. Its like I was born under a suffering star.

Do you CONTROL every single good thing in your life? If not, how can you take the blame for everything?

...I can't argue that you might deal with a lifetime of misery. Life tends to be a series of disappointments. It's up to you to decide if the highs are worth the lows. Right now you're straight down in the dumps. Living is suffering. I feel you. Just be absolutely certain with your choice... It's good to exhaust all resources before you CTB. It would be irresponsible otherwise, and I'm . You mention being fair to yourself, so make sure you're being fair to yourself in everything. Depression can easily feed depression. Don't beat yourself up too hard over making mistakes when you're already suffering.

but you know what they say "The fault is not in our stars, but in ourselves"

Never heard it before and I VEHEMENTLY reject that. Maybe if the default was someone could always be 100% happy-go-lucky at all times, or was god and could control everything in life, that would carry weight. As it stands there is too much out of our control, from our personal DNA to other people's thoughts and actions.

Please pray that I find the strength to CTB because I really want to.

No. This might be controversial but my biggest hypocrisy is I hate seeing people CTB. I'll pray that life turns around for you; but I'll support you in whatever your choice is.

I hate offering generic advice and cliches but it seems like that's all I've managed to do here. I just don't know anything else. But I can feel where you're coming from. If I had the magic words to make you happy I'd share them in a heartbeat. Unfortunately all I've got for you is empathy. And I apologize for the late reply, I'm very bad at articulating my thoughts. Just don't think none of us care about you or your plight.

 

[crybaby]

I just want to CTB, but first of all I'm scared and second of all I don't have a good method. I have no money so I can't SN (yes even with how cheap it is) I lost my job; have no money at all, and am back at home with my mom.

I am sorry to hear that. I know how you feel.
I really want to ctb but i keep delaying the days of ctb because I feel very scared.. :(
If you need meto and sn, I can mail it to you for free
If you need to talk, I'm here for you♡

 

[SuiSqueeze92]

I am sorry to hear that. I know how you feel.
I really want to ctb but i keep delaying the days of ctb because I feel very scared.. :(
If you need meto and sn, I can mail it to you for free
If you need to talk, I'm here for you♡

Id be careful with that last part...

Side note.. does everyone else have a constant narration in their head? , kinda like the devil and angel on your shoulder version constantly going at it.

And if you're ready to kill yourself, you won't be scared, i'd Say you truly aren't ready. But that's really only in my case because I've been suicidal since I was young, but was close to doing it until my ex magically came in to get her few things she left and found me with my .45 ready to go, I wasn't scared and could feel nothing for once and death just Felt right.