Constant intrusive imagery since suicide attempts

[lifecouldbedream]

I believe I made a few dozen low-effort attempts and 2 serious attempts over 8 months ago. Ever since then, I randomly will go into "daydream" mode, where I will force myself to vividly imagine my family finding my corpse, the emotions that they would feel. I imagine them screaming and crying uncontrollably. I once had a dream I committed suicide and I heard the screams for real, it was one of the most horrifying sounds I have ever heard. It makes me very sad when these happen. For the first month or so I would breakdown crying when these happened but now it is just a very deep sadness.

Recently, I have also started having these daydreams where I imagine finding the girl I love dead from suicide, or murdered, and how I would scream, cry etc. or finding family members dead from suicide. These daydreams usually only show their lifeless bodies, but in some of them I see horrible deaths. Shotgun wounds to my head, a slit throat.

Additionally, every time a character dies in a show I get reminded of these daydreams, and I then get a daydream of their family reacting to their death in the same way I imagine my family in my normal daydreams.

I do not like to admit it to myself but this is weighing down on my psyche. What exactly is this and why is this happening? Does anyone else experience something similar?

 

[timf]

Creating mental imagery even for attempted constructive purposes can be unhealthy. There can be a temptation to stimulate oneself. It might be beneficial to divert some attention outwards such as with volunteer work so that self-focus does not grow to harmful proportions.

 

[PaperGodzilla]

I had similar daydreams when i felt more suicidal. Picturing my young brother and some friend crying abt my death always make me feel pain, but it kept me from seriously attempting to ctb

 

[whatevs]

I had similar daydreams when i felt more suicidal. Picturing my young brother and some friend crying abt my death always make me feel pain, but it kept me from seriously attempting to ctb

It seems your crafty psyches devised a way to torture you out of actually catching the bus. The mind is only loyal to survival.

Of course, it's absolutely true that suicide can devastate a family, but on the other hand it's kind of lame having to live miserably just to avoid that.

 

[Angi]

I do not like to admit it to myself but this is weighing down on my psyche. What exactly is this and why is this happening? Does anyone else experience something similar?

Could your daydreams stem from guilt? If I had to give someone guilt for considering suicide, such daydreams about what it would feel like for the people you love is the best tool I can think of. Maybe give yourself some time of introspection to see if guilt is what is driving your intrusions. I certainly do not want too say you should feel guilty, but maybe you can learn something by understanding the daydreams? Also, I sometimes manage to decrease the power intrusions have over me when I figure out what they are doing.

On the flip side, you have people who love you and you know it. This sounds like a good thing to have and to appreciate.