Venting Constant accompany

[ctbgurl]

Over the years of my life my conversations with my therapists/psychiatrists have been monitored by the people who traumatized me growing up and it's eating me alive. To see my therapist acting as if they're good people simply makes me want to vomit. I stay silent but inside it's consuming me, and it's one of the many reasons I want to CTB. I feel that no one will ever be able to truly understand or help me because i'm always accompanied to my appointments. Whether it's in person or over the phone, someone is there or listening from the other room. I can't say what I need to say so I remain inanimate and emotionless. There's no hope for me.

 

[BornHated]

Over the years of my life my conversations with my therapists/psychiatrists have been monitored by the people who traumatized me growing up and it's eating me alive. To see my therapist acting as if they're good people simply makes me want to vomit. I stay silent but inside it's consuming me, and it's one of the many reasons I want to CTB. I feel that no one will ever be able to truly understand or help me because i'm always accompanied to my appointments. Whether it's in person or over the phone, someone is there or listening from the other room. I can't say what I need to say so I remain inanimate and emotionless. There's no hope for me.

Hey there. As someone who's grown up in a very controlling environment, I have a feeling that I know what it's like. I'm so sorry you have to go through that shit, I know what it's like to have to keep it together because the average person who hasn't survived those family dynamics at the lower rungs just DOES NOT get it.

Is there no way to communicate something in writing, for example? Knowing how controlling people are, I know it can be hard to pull off, but I wonder if it could help. Honestly the best road to healing is to just GTFO of there but as someone stuck where I am... I also know how hard that is, ugh. I just educate myself on the matters as much as I can to keep myself sane enough.

I wish you the best, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[ctbgurl]

Hey there. As someone who's grown up in a very controlling environment, I have a feeling that I know what it's like. I'm so sorry you have to go through that shit, I know what it's like to have to keep it together because the average person who hasn't survived those family dynamics at the lower rungs just DOES NOT get it.

Is there no way to communicate something in writing, for example? Knowing how controlling people are, I know it can be hard to pull off, but I wonder if it could help. Honestly the best road to healing is to just GTFO of there but as someone stuck where I am... I also know how hard that is, ugh. I just educate myself on the matters as much as I can to keep myself sane enough.

I wish you the best, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Thank you. It's good knowing i'm not alone in my situation but I wish you weren't also stuck in the position you're in, and yes in a highly controlled environment it is hard to communicate with her. But, i'm not highly monitored unless one of those appointments are coming up, so maybe I could attempt to pull something off in that time.

Either way, I still feel that CTB is the only way out. I'm in a very bad mental state constantly and always have been, no matter what medications i've been prescribed. My mind always wanders back about to hurting others and myself; which makes me feel like i'd be better off cleared from this earth. Best of luck to you too. :)

 

[BornHated]

Thank you. It's good knowing i'm not alone in my situation but I wish you weren't also stuck in the position you're in, and yes in a highly controlled environment it is hard to communicate with her. But, i'm not highly monitored unless one of those appointments are coming up, so maybe I could attempt to pull something off in that time.

Either way, I still feel that CTB is the only way out. I'm in a very bad mental state constantly and always have been, no matter what medications i've been prescribed. My mind always wanders back about to hurting others and myself; which makes me feel like i'd be better off cleared from this earth. Best of luck to you too. :)

Same sentiment from my end again- sometimes you can just sort of feel that you won't be having the energy or will required to pick up what life throws at you. If it's any consolation, I hope you don't feel too guilty about whatever violent desire you have. I also have strong feelings of anger, but that doesn't meant morality is inherently absent and that I'd follow through with my thoughts. Worse people kill in far colder blood than whatever goes through my head in a moment's flash that I won't act out on.
Sometimes we end up in a messed up situation and we're a little predisposed to being messed up as is. Not your fault, even though it is every individual's "job" to keep it together.
Thank you! I hope it all works out!

 

[Jane Doe 13]

True. The psychiatry-therapy industry just wants to make a profit out of our misery. I've never had any good experiences with therapy. They always repeat the same predictable uninspired advice. Probably more worthless than my existence. Even though meds can be helpful for some, I feel like I didn't do anything wrong to be shaped into a submissive slave just because I find working and studying extremely stressful. I also got involuntarily hospitalized due to a suicide attempt. I find it dehumanizing that the staffs treat you like children, and force you to take drugs. When I complained about the creep harassing me, they downplayed it as if it was my fault. Although I'm trying to recover now, I still feel like I don't belong in this world and just distract myself with random obsessions. If my life went horribly wrong, I'd totally be open to the idea of ctb with a more fatal method bc I don't want to deal with the ER/ psych ward bills.

 

[Falseunderworld]

I understand how you feel. My mother is also a helicopter. She worries that all die even though in reality, she doesn't really give a shit it's more like she's just monitoring me and my therapist and psychiatrist so that I'm not worse and that she doesn't get blamed for the trauma, she gave me..

 

[Forever Sleep]

That sounds really distressing- like the controlling behaviour is just continuing but more people are being added. I do think you need to find a way to be able to communicate with this therapist alone. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really awful being in that situation, and it's just so unfair what you have to go through. I really do believe that humans are responsible for so much of the suffering that sadly exists in this cruel world. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I always thought doctor/therapist and patients were supposed to enjoy confidentiality between them? Is that the fundamental underpinning of the relationship that is supposed to make it work?