considering throwing away my SN

[dinosavr]

I bought it 7 months ago, at first because I wanted to use it, and then "just in case". For a while I haven't been actively suicidal anymore, but the idea of being able to kill myself relatively easily is still really relieving.
On the other hand, maybe storing it means that it's too hard to let go this part of my life. I am passively suicidal, but I would love to become depressed enough again to reach the point where I'm ready to die.
Also, recently I've started sharing with my therapist some details about my potential death and about my approach to it, etc. I think the SN part I would have to keep secret which is probably not good therapy-wisely. But if I tell her I have it, she will make me get rid of it. And it would be extremely humiliating.
I'm wondering if it's better to actually throw it out on my own or to just lie to her that I already did it. I'm really scared I'm going to regret it. I don't want to push suicide off the table. At least not yet :(

 

[Death is my goal]

how about you don't tell your therapist everything? just keep the SN in case you ever need it

 

[seph25]

I never planned to ctb, but life can always take the wrong turn. I wish I had prepared myself for such a case.

I wish I would have "just" suicidal ideation and depression etc. I don't want to die, but I got no choice because the condition is not curable.

 

[dinosavr]

how about you don't tell your therapist everything? just keep the SN in case you ever need it

Well that makes sense but I guess when I started my therapy I promised myself I will go all in, no excuses, no lies, no hiding emotions etc. to make it work as soon as possible. But I think you might be right about this. It's a whole different thing and maybe she just won't be able to understand my need to keep it.

I never planned to ctb, but life can always take the wrong turn. I wish I had prepared myself for such a case.

I wish I would have "just" suicidal ideation and depression etc. I don't want to die, but I got no choice because the condition is not curable.

Oh, I'm really sorry :( And yeah, the world is awfully unfair. There are so many people who want to live but they die, and so many suicidal people who don't manage to take the last step and who would like to swap places with them.

 

[Ash]

Trouble is, once you start lying or at least withholding information in therapy, it affects everything else - and if your therapist is any good, she'll pick up on it. Maybe you could be honest enough to say you have a method but don't disclose what, and then you can talk about what you've already said in this thread.

You won't be the first person she's met or heard of who is in this situation. I believe it's very common.

 

[OrphicEnd]

I have already seen several members who threw away their SN, they came back a few months later and regretted having done it, and the sources are gradually closing. You can keep 120g in a small bottle and throw the rest away. This is enough for two attempts at three cups.
I hope you never have to use it now that you're in recovery, best wishes.

 

[dinosavr]

Trouble is, once you start lying or at least withholding information in therapy, it affects everything else - and if your therapist is any good, she'll pick up on it. Maybe you could be honest enough to say you have a method but don't disclose what, and then you can talk about what you've already said in this thread.

You won't be the first person she's met or heard of who is in this situation. I believe it's very common.

Right, exactly. I mean, I think once I'm already there, it's pointless to lie to her. But I guess almost-the-truth might be the best option here.

I have already seen several members who threw away their SN, they came back a few months later and regretted having done it, and the sources are gradually closing. You can keep 120g in a small bottle and throw the rest away. This is enough for two attempts at three cups.
I hope you never have to use it now that you're in recovery, best wishes.

Oh you're right, I've seen those too. I guess there's no reason why not leave some of it. After all, there's no way to tell when another depressive episode will strike again. Better safe than sorry

 

[willitpass]

While I too am very guilty of keeping methods "just in case", if you are very serious about recovery you will have to learn to let go of the methods. Holding on to them means holding onto a belief that you still want to CTB deep down. I'm currently trying to process it myself, but I know I will never truly be free until I let go of all of the things hurting me, including my methods I keep on the back burner.

In the same light, you will never fully benefit from therapy if you withhold things. As Ash said, tell them you have a method but don't currently have possession of it and won't use it, that way they have enough information to be able to help you process through it.

Letting go is terrifying, but holding on will only hold you back.

 

[dinosavr]

While I too am very guilty of keeping methods "just in case", if you are very serious about recovery you will have to learn to let go of the methods. Holding on to them means holding onto a belief that you still want to CTB deep down. I'm currently trying to process it myself, but I know I will never truly be free until I let go of all of the things hurting me, including my methods I keep on the back burner.

In the same light, you will never fully benefit from therapy if you withhold things. As Ash said, tell them you have a method but don't currently have possession of it and won't use it, that way they have enough information to be able to help you process through it.

Letting go is terrifying, but holding on will only hold you back.

Right, you've put it in great words. The perspective of being at the bottom, trusting someone and yet still not telling them the truth is pointless and will make my recovery impossible or at least prolong it all. And I'd say maybe I'm not very serious about recovery but it's definitely the path I chose for now and instead of returning back to the old one, I should do my best to let it go for real. But as you've said, it's terrifyingly difficult..

 

[willitpass]

Right, you've put it in great words. The perspective of being at the bottom, trusting someone and yet still not telling them the truth is pointless and will make my recovery impossible or at least prolong it all. And I'd say maybe I'm not very serious about recovery but it's definitely the path I chose for now and instead of returning back to the old one, I should do my best to let it go for real. But as you've said, it's terrifyingly difficult..

I'm still trying to figure out how to overcome this fear of letting go. I'm only a few days into my attempt at self recovery. I don't plan on going back to therapy as I don't think there's anything else that I can tell or be told, but if I ever decide to I know I'll need to not withhold anything or it won't help. I'm doing it all on my own, but regardless I know I won't be free and healthy until I give up on just in case methods. As long as I have those, I will not be healed.