Help Considering moving my date sooner?

[alpacasuitcase]

Hey. I'd like to pick yall's brains on something.

I find it helps me file and sort and make sense of my thoughts if I type them out. The soundboard factor is just bonus.

I was originally considering waiting until late March. To be petty and vindictive and kill myself on my wedding anniversary because my husband walked away out of the blue after 16 years.

But that doesn't feel right. Honestly it never felt right. I knew but didn't care.

Anyway, just for the record, I'm not doing it because of my husband, necessarily. He was just the one keeping my fire lit, he gave me love for the first time in my life. Things to live for. Potential. Happiness. While I've wanted to die for my entire life, I've waffled on whether or not I actually want to kill myself for the last 20 years or so. Attempting seriously 3 times with one cry for help attempt a few years ago.

I got off on a sidetrack, sorry.

I guess the point of this post is:

Should I move my date up so that I a) get peace/relief/OUT sooner. And b) aren't that bitch who kills herself on her anniversary out of spite?

I'd have to wait until the end of feb regardless, to avoid being too close to someone I love's birthday.

Method: SN, haven't ordered AE but am in the process. Might not wait for them though. I drank 8oz of water that had 74 crushed percocet dissolved in it and kept it down for over an hour... I don't think vomiting too early will be an issue for me with something as quick as SN. I also have beta blockers already prescribed to me for tachycardia ;)

I might go the overkill route of partial suspension via 1/2in marina rope and pull up bar (which I have already). You know, head in noose when I drink it. so when I go unconscious I'll automatically lean into the rope.

I've got my time delay email written and individual words for specific people written as well. I just need to write the contacts and other necessary info down on a physical notebook to leave for the police. (Hotel)

This is so freaking long, I'm sorry. I just have a lot on my mind. I've had my psych meds doubled and am still 100% sure I'm done on this earth. And I do have a stable therapist for years now.

I don't have it in me to start over again, and I simply am not even interested in doing it anyway.

 

[WornOutLife]

In my opinion, dates are not that important.
I was obsessed with ctb on Jan, 21st but when the day came and I had decided that I wouldn't do it I was like: "well, there will be another day. "

Even though I'm not planning to ctb now, I think when you really wanna do it, you'll find the day.

Also, I think that having a proper plan (you know, a good method, what you want people to want with your stuff, goodbye letters, etc) is more important than a date.

Hope to have helped somehow,

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[Neowise]

Should I move my date up so that I a) get peace/relief/OUT sooner. And b) aren't that bitch who kills herself on her anniversary out of spite?

It depends on whether you actually want to leave sooner or not. And it also depends on how you want people to feel after your death. Those are things we can't answer for you, it's quite personal.
Killing yourself on the anniversary might get the idea across that you ctb out of spite. Your ex husband might feel guilty, the rest of the family might think you wanted to leave with big drama. But I don't know your family and how they would react.

If that is not what you want you could ctb one day before or after the anniversary, that would be less obvious but it would still be in March. Like that you'd have more time to prepare if you don't want to do it soon.

 

[alpacasuitcase]

In my opinion, dates are not that important.
I was obsessed with ctb on Jan, 21st but when the day came and I had decided that I wouldn't do it I was like: "well, there will be another day. "

Even though I'm not planning to ctb now, I think when you really wanna do it, you'll find the day.

Also, I think that having a proper plan (you know, a good method, what you want people to want with your stuff, goodbye letters, etc) is more important than a date.

Hope to have helped somehow,

Hugs and love,

Matt

That's very true. The date being insignificant compared to everything else. You did help, thank you.

It depends on whether you actually want to leave sooner or not. And it also depends on how you want people to feel after your death. Those are things we can't answer for you, it's quite personal.
Killing yourself on the anniversary might get the idea across that you ctb out of spite. Your ex husband might feel guilty, the rest of the family might think you wanted to leave with big drama. But I don't know your family and how they would react.

If that is not what you want you could ctb one day before or after the anniversary, that would be less obvious but it would still be in March. Like that you'd have more time to prepare if you don't want to do it soon.

I didn't even think about his side of the family. Thank you! I'm not going to do it on our anniversary. I still want to do it sooner. But I just remembered I have to wait for the money from something ($15kUSD) so I can square away my small debts etc. Which will put soonest at end of Februar.

I think that'll be okay. God, I just need this nightmare to be over. Like. In November when I survived the perc OD. I guess I threw enough of it up even though I kept it down for hours. Ugh

 

[alpacasuitcase]

Additional question. Would it jeopardize my success if I called someone AFTER drinking the SN and asked them to stay on the line "until I fall asleep tonight"?

I'm choosing a hotel a little over an hour away from home. There's no way for anyone to gain access to me in time. And I definitely wouldn't say what I'm doing. Ever. Under any circumstances.

I'm really unsure about this. But I am scared to die alone, like many of us. I (obv) can't talk about this anywhere else.

Thank you for your time and consideration