Confused & in need of relationship advice

[リンさん]

So I've been talking to this girl for a while now.

She's amazing. She's precious, smart, with her own quirks and unique way of looking at things. I find that we are very much alike in lots of things.

We've been inseparable. Talking every day for hours. And I have confessed her my love recently, which brought up a topic that is very uncomfortable for both of us.

She is struggling a lot in life. I don't wanna give out any personal details, but she's surrounded with people who are extremely judgmental of her. She's going through a very important and formative stage of her life, and finally coming to terms with her identity. This hasn't been easy, but I know I've been her huge - and in a way, only - source of support.

There's a lot going on both inside and outside of her life. She battles every day with her own issues, as well as suicidal ideation and extreme body dysmorphia.

I do my best to stay with her and help, and I feel truly alive knowing that my efforts are paying off even just a little bit. Just being there for her makes me happy.

Yet, we have discussed and she feels like it's not yet time for a relationship. She told me that it's so difficult for her to even figure out who she is, yet alone take on such a responsibility.

I definitely understand where shes coming from and I try my best not to pressure her. But that also selfishly leaves me in a lot of pain. I love her, and I wish we could be something more. I know that she cares about me, it really shows, but at the end of the day it's probably not in the same way as I do, for reasons neither of us can control.

And now I'm just left there confused. Do I keep supporting her and being there, while knowing full well it may never turn out the way I would want it to? Or do I leave now and make it less painful for myself in the future if things end up never working out?

 

[stillvoices]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure that's something that can be advised unfortunately. You have a chance of having something more with her at some point but who knows maybe she'll decide to ctb and either if you are with her or you aren't you may feel bad in different ways. I guess it depends on what decision you'll feel better about? Either being her friend with a chance or not knowing her better or anymore?

 

[ColorlessTrees]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, first of all. I've kind of been on both sides of this. Unrequited love for any reason is a special kind of hell.

If you want to continue supporting her as you are now, I think it's a matter of how long/if you can handle the pain and uncertainty of not being together. That can become excruciating.
You might need space for a while for the feelings to fade to a manageable place, but I know that's easier said than done if one or both people are vulnerable and emotionally dependant. (Been there, done that.)
And that's what I would recommend if she doesn't seem to reciprocate it, because waiting around for someone, devoting yourself hoping they'll change or make up their mind always ends in more pain, even if it hurts like hell to cope with the outcome.

That said, I'm a stranger and I don't fully know the situation. If it makes you happy to support her regardless of your feelings, maybe that is the best course of action for now.

 

[tiger b]

So I've been talking to this girl for a while now.

She's amazing. She's precious, smart, with her own quirks and unique way of looking at things. I find that we are very much alike in lots of things.

We've been inseparable. Talking every day for hours. And I have confessed her my love recently, which brought up a topic that is very uncomfortable for both of us.

She is struggling a lot in life. I don't wanna give out any personal details, but she's surrounded with people who are extremely judgmental of her. She's going through a very important and formative stage of her life, and finally coming to terms with her identity. This hasn't been easy, but I know I've been her huge - and in a way, only - source of support.

There's a lot going on both inside and outside of her life. She battles every day with her own issues, as well as suicidal ideation and extreme body dysmorphia.

I do my best to stay with her and help, and I feel truly alive knowing that my efforts are paying off even just a little bit. Just being there for her makes me happy.

Yet, we have discussed and she feels like it's not yet time for a relationship. She told me that it's so difficult for her to even figure out who she is, yet alone take on such a responsibility.

I definitely understand where shes coming from and I try my best not to pressure her. But that also selfishly leaves me in a lot of pain. I love her, and I wish we could be something more. I know that she cares about me, it really shows, but at the end of the day it's probably not in the same way as I do, for reasons neither of us can control.

And now I'm just left there confused. Do I keep supporting her and being there, while knowing full well it may never turn out the way I would want it to? Or do I leave now and make it less painful for myself in the future if things end up never working out?

I couldn't help but wonder how things were going for you.

You have a deep understanding of the situation and of actual love beyond your own perspective and needs. You risk giving an awful lot emotionally and in terms of time with perhaps little chance of what you ideally want returning. Already you have committed a lot, and now you seem a bit 'pot committed'?

I can't answer your question - not should I. I feel you're the best sort of person to give advice on such matters! If I was exactly in your shoes and I was you (very hypothetical here), what would you tell me?

Maybe you don't need an answer right away. Perhaps it's best to clear your mind of it all and then soon enough you'll come to an answer.

Tricky. I wish you well.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Continue to be there for her. You value her beyond any romantic prospects, right? You can't predict with certainty how the relationship will develop in the future. All you got is right now and right you have a solid relationship that you would do well to continue to foster.

 

[just_a_guy]

I think when you care for someone, you care for them without an outcome or a goal in mind. So I would say, if you're able to, and it doesn't drag you down, care for her, be there for her. You never know when things might turn around and she'll turn to you because you were there for her and if you choose to disconnect, you'll probably always wonder what it could have been.

 

[theslasher]

If you really care for her, and her having a really good friend right now is truly what she needs, then I think you should stick by her side. Whether you put on the label of "girlfriend" may not matter as much as you think it does. Sometimes when people are going through a lot of emotional and psychological trauma, the thought of a commitment like that may only add to their stress.

Of course you have the most context of the situation, and it's generally best to follow your intuition... but in my humble opinion I think it's best to just be there for her. Whether that's as "really good friends" or as "romantic partners" either way, what she needs right now is someone who cares for her, listens to her, and supports her.

And there's a very possible future where she isn't tied down to these people who are constantly judging her, where she isn't engulfed by such a negative environment. Maybe in that future, she'll have the freedom to simply be herself. But the only way she can tap into her feminine loving nature is if she's able to heal. And that may take some time. As of right now, the most loving thing you can do for her is to just be there for her. Not with a specific outcome in mind, not with a mindset of "What can I get out of it?" or "What can this turn into?" but a mindset of "What can I do to be there for her?" and ironically, overtime, that will be the most likely thing that leads a successful romantic relationship. But as @just_a_guy mentioned, it'd be even worse to end the connection completely and just wonder what could have been if you stayed by her side when she needed you the most.