History: Off and on having this issue since puberty, no trauma, have found medications that work but have horrible side effects and I am not comfortable taking them anyways which is a long separate story.
Current: So I hit this state again, and I am tried of my regret not doing something about it in the past growing with each time I hit this low. Yes, it gets better, but it never lasts. So over the last, I don't know, 1.5 months, I have been oscillating in and out of the following moods:
So I told myself I would reach out to my psychiatrist one last time. They had said that I could call anytime before my next appointment if I felt I needed to go to the hospital, and they would assist with the process since my last experience was horrible. I figured if I talked it out with them and felt like I still wanted to die, I would go through with it, or if they didn't get back to me, that would be like a sign from the universe to go through with it. If they gave me some kind of hope or "out", however unrealistic it was, I would consider it.
The idea was unreasonable from the start, because trying to get a same-day appointment with my psychiatrist is like winning the lottery. I did let the front desk know that I was thinking of coming into the hospital, so they knew it was serious, but they did say they couldn't guarantee a phone call. I held out hope though, and well, I didn't get a phone call. I can't blame my psychiatrist for this, as their schedule is always overbooked.
So sign from the universe is that I need to move on from all of this. I have one more alternative medicine kind of thing I am trying this weekend, and if there is zero improvement, then I will take the steps to wrap up my life. Unfortunately, I went from 48 hours of intense suicidality, to being in-between the fine/depressed moods. It is hard to go through with something like this when I am not "all-in". On the other hand, the thought of living is just overwhelmingly impossible. I would have liked to make it until after Christmas, but I don't think that is realistic at this point.
I am just confused by the feelings I am feeling. Part of me is relieved that my psychiatrist didn't callback. Part of me is disappointed and sad that it is all over (barring a miracle with the alternative med). Part of me is scared I won't go through with it. Part of me is terrified of having to reach out for help after not having gone through with it which reinforces the idea that I need to do it and the feeling that CTB is 100% the right thing to do.
On top of all of that confusion, I am also confused because my therapist has an opening next week - and it has stayed open for over 24 hours. This NEVER happens. So then I am like, wait, is the universe telling me to at least do one more session? So then I think I should book it, pre-pay for it, and then I won't feel obligated to show up if I decide to opt out. But if I go, could I possibly deal with the humiliation of being "suicidal" but once again not going through with it? I don't know if I could handle that.
Plus, who the heck believes in "signs from the universe"??? Not me usually. So why I am trying to look for a reason to live or die? I know that I regret not doing it in the past, so now that I have the opportunity to try again, why would I question it??
Current: So I hit this state again, and I am tried of my regret not doing something about it in the past growing with each time I hit this low. Yes, it gets better, but it never lasts. So over the last, I don't know, 1.5 months, I have been oscillating in and out of the following moods:
- Depressed, suicidal ideation, but no motivation to actually go through with anything. Makes me feel like I am faking being suicidal, but also makes me want to reach out for help.
- Good mood, but intensely suicidal. Makes me think I need to get it done to prove to myself that I am not "crying wolf"
- Not great, but not bad. Just fine. Makes me feel like I am faking being suicidal and that I am just being a big self-absorbed wimp and I need to get over myself.
So I told myself I would reach out to my psychiatrist one last time. They had said that I could call anytime before my next appointment if I felt I needed to go to the hospital, and they would assist with the process since my last experience was horrible. I figured if I talked it out with them and felt like I still wanted to die, I would go through with it, or if they didn't get back to me, that would be like a sign from the universe to go through with it. If they gave me some kind of hope or "out", however unrealistic it was, I would consider it.
The idea was unreasonable from the start, because trying to get a same-day appointment with my psychiatrist is like winning the lottery. I did let the front desk know that I was thinking of coming into the hospital, so they knew it was serious, but they did say they couldn't guarantee a phone call. I held out hope though, and well, I didn't get a phone call. I can't blame my psychiatrist for this, as their schedule is always overbooked.
So sign from the universe is that I need to move on from all of this. I have one more alternative medicine kind of thing I am trying this weekend, and if there is zero improvement, then I will take the steps to wrap up my life. Unfortunately, I went from 48 hours of intense suicidality, to being in-between the fine/depressed moods. It is hard to go through with something like this when I am not "all-in". On the other hand, the thought of living is just overwhelmingly impossible. I would have liked to make it until after Christmas, but I don't think that is realistic at this point.
I am just confused by the feelings I am feeling. Part of me is relieved that my psychiatrist didn't callback. Part of me is disappointed and sad that it is all over (barring a miracle with the alternative med). Part of me is scared I won't go through with it. Part of me is terrified of having to reach out for help after not having gone through with it which reinforces the idea that I need to do it and the feeling that CTB is 100% the right thing to do.
On top of all of that confusion, I am also confused because my therapist has an opening next week - and it has stayed open for over 24 hours. This NEVER happens. So then I am like, wait, is the universe telling me to at least do one more session? So then I think I should book it, pre-pay for it, and then I won't feel obligated to show up if I decide to opt out. But if I go, could I possibly deal with the humiliation of being "suicidal" but once again not going through with it? I don't know if I could handle that.
Plus, who the heck believes in "signs from the universe"??? Not me usually. So why I am trying to look for a reason to live or die? I know that I regret not doing it in the past, so now that I have the opportunity to try again, why would I question it??
