Venting Confused by my aspie bf reactions

[PartlyHuman]

I have BPD and close to sui, my bf is aspie and it's incredibly hard.
One day he says me that I'm the only thing that makes him want to live (he's suicidal too but not on this forum) and then he's cold and unresponsive and I know it's hard for him and he's trying but it still feels like the world is crushing around me. I'm not even sure he loves me anymore and I hate, I love, I'm suspicious and I hate myself for it in the same time. I've tried telling him it and it hurts him (because he is trying too though it never feels as enough to me) and hurting him is the last thing I want to do.
It draws me even more suicidal and I can't tell it without making him feeling worse.
I feel like a monster because he seemed relatively stable before we started dating. He says he started feeling again but I know I've made him unstable and hurt him all the time. I'm suicidal and every single day feels like a torture with BPD and my physical chronic illnesses and he says he is very afraid of me killing myself and hints that he'd do the same if I do. I don't want him to. He was depressed but so stable before me.
I feel trapped. I feel hurt. I hate him for making me feel like this, I love him, I hate myself for not being able to understand him though I try so hard. I want it to over and I just want to be happy with my loved one.
I'm going to order my SN soon and I don't know what to do with all the situation.

 

[Worndown]

He sounds like he is on the spectrum and has some of the relating issues that go with it. No blame needed. Life is not easy for everyone.

 

[SueySide]

I can really relate. There are many people who are on the spectrum and there are various difficulties that come with being in a relationship with them, just as it is with everyone else though. I was once in a similar situation with someone on the spectrum as well.
Sometimes taking a break is a good thing, and both of you can evaluate whether or not you actually need eachother and if you'd still want to be in a relationship after taking some time away from eachother. It sounds pretty useless but I can guarantee that you are able to evaluate everything from a very different point of view once you are away from the influences of eachother, which really allows for a fresh perspective in aiding yourself to understand what you really want and what is really good for you.
Instead of resorting to SN right away, an alternative is to communicate, reach an understanding, take a break, and decide where to go from there.