fireproofvodka
riri
- Dec 4, 2025
- 2
First thread, sorry if this is shit. I feel like a hell of a coward for admitting this, but I feel like everything I feel is constantly at odds with each other and it wont ever let my mind stop running. I want it to be quiet, but I don't. It's too loud for me but I hate the thought of the quiet, mind numbing boringness. It feels like it would sound like genuine brain rot, and that's one of my worst fears. But I can't deal with my head never stopping. I want to stay chaste and pure, but I also want to feel loved and needed with such passion it's unbearable before I die. I don't know what I want while demanding to check off certain things to do before I eventually CTB. I want to love and love endlessly, give the world all of myself and more, even when I hate people and our society more and more every day. I hate this culture, I hate these people, I hate what I hear almost every day, I hate the way social media affects my peers, I hate this world, and yet I can't help but just wanting to give all I can to it. I love seeing people happy and being the reason why people can smile for even another minute, and I think about others and this world leaving along with me. (I don't have any ideation besides SI. I do not plan on anything aside eventually CTB myself.) I just want to fell better than my last high but also take pride in my suffering.
This whole vent is childish. I know I'm just a sucker for not being able to accept how complex the world and feelings are. I just, honest to god, don't know how I could ever learn how to cope with it. I've been trying for the past 5 years and it hasn't gotten any easier. My SI has ebbed and flowed in severity, but it never leaves. It never waivers. Everything else feels like it's topsy turvsey and switches on a dime, but this hasn't. Despite being something I should've gotten over with already, or, at least, it feels like everyone thinks I should be over it by now. I don't know. I'm sort of spitballing right now. Thanks if anyone listens to my little naive vent.
This whole vent is childish. I know I'm just a sucker for not being able to accept how complex the world and feelings are. I just, honest to god, don't know how I could ever learn how to cope with it. I've been trying for the past 5 years and it hasn't gotten any easier. My SI has ebbed and flowed in severity, but it never leaves. It never waivers. Everything else feels like it's topsy turvsey and switches on a dime, but this hasn't. Despite being something I should've gotten over with already, or, at least, it feels like everyone thinks I should be over it by now. I don't know. I'm sort of spitballing right now. Thanks if anyone listens to my little naive vent.
