Conflicted suicide

[Aizwrath]

I've found myself with some very conflicting thoughts. Apart of me desperately wants to kill myself so I can finally be at peace, but the other half of me just couldn't bear for my loved ones to find my corpse, or even know I killed myself for that matter. I've been suffering for so long that I'm numb to it, it's easy for me to value their sakes over mine... But then again, I still really just don't want to be here any longer.

Any advice?

 

[hikikomorizombie]

if u are undecided that in itself is ur answer. imo kys isn't something u need to talk yourself into/reason with. when you're truly meant to die you just know. there's nothing & no one for u here that'd make continuing to live/suffer worth it.

 

[Aizwrath]

The thing is.. In all my years of life, suicide has been the only thing on my mind. It's something I need for myself. But like you said, am I just not meant to die yet? I've only lasted as long as I have reminding myself that I'm still at least some use to others, my friends specifically, since my family doesnt care too much about me anymore. I just dont know.

 

[Chocomel]

I can kinda relate to you. The only difference would be the reason I still want to live are because I still have a little bit of hope for my future. And tbh I don't have any advice. For now my mood just switch rapidly being wanting to die and live

 

[Aizwrath]

my mood just switch rapidly being wanting to die and live

Same. But this time, I've definitely decided that I just want it to end.

 

[Chocomel]

Same. But this time, I've definitely decided that I just want it to end.

Well if you've decided then it's only a matter of time? One of the reason I come to this website is because I want to find if I really want CTB or not.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

But like you said, am I just not meant to die yet? I've only lasted as long as I have reminding myself that I'm still at least some use to others, my friends specifically, since my family doesnt care too much about me anymore. I just dont know.

when you're truly meant to kys there is no doubt. you'll know in ur bones that dying is the only thing for you. it's a v calming, mind clearing feeling that takes root in u, & ur sole purpose becomes to die.

it's prob easier for me to say this bc i've been alone for years so i have no one to consider, but it is what i vehemently believe.

 

[Princess_Kitty]

I've found myself with some very conflicting thoughts. Apart of me desperately wants to kill myself so I can finally be at peace, but the other half of me just couldn't bear for my loved ones to find my corpse, or even know I killed myself for that matter. I've been suffering for so long that I'm numb to it, it's easy for me to value their sakes over mine... But then again, I still really just don't want to be here any longer.

Any advice?

I can relate to you a lot. Part of me wants to CTB, but the other part of me doesn't because of my wife. Though the part of me wanting to CTB has already taken total control. It's a battle for me every day, it's just seems to be getting worse and worse. I don't really do anything to try keep myself here. I kinda force myself to stay as long as I can for my wife. Though that's starting to exhaust me. All I can say is just try to keep yourself occupied without exhausting yourself.

 

[Aizwrath]

it's a v calming feeling that takes root in u

This is how I feel. Ever since I decided, I've felt at ease.

I can relate to you a lot. Part of me wants to CTB, but the other part of me doesn't because of my wife. Though the part of me wanting to CTB has already taken total control. It's a battle for me every day, it's just seems to be getting worse and worse. I don't really do anything to try keep myself here. I kinda force myself to stay as long as I can for my wife. Though that's starting to exhaust me. All I can say is just try to keep yourself occupied without exhausting yourself.

Thank you for the kind words. <3

 

[hikikomorizombie]

This is how I feel. Ever since I decided, I've felt at ease.

ah, my bad. i thought the reason for ur post was bc u were unsure & wanted advice. if you've decided & you're firm in it, then there ya go :)

 

[GreenMarsh]

This is always a tricky thing to approach. First and foremost, you are the sole deciding factor of whether or not you should be able to die, nonetheless, there will always be people upset about your choice to varying degrees. Even in a perfect, pro-suicide world, this is always bound to be the case. What matters then is that we are able to come to terms with the fact that our choice will always hurt someone close to us, but that guilt is not something we'll have to live with, obviously.

All I can really say is to find your peace with your decision. One thing I've learned is that no matter the method, it'll never be painless, physically or emotionally. That being said, people are relentless, and can endure pain very well. I wish you luck, OP

 

[Aizwrath]

This is always a tricky thing to approach. First and foremost, you are the sole deciding factor of whether or not you should be able to die, nonetheless, there will always be people upset about your choice to varying degrees. Even in a perfect, pro-suicide world, this is always bound to be the case. What matters then is that we are able to come to terms with the fact that our choice will always hurt someone close to us, but that guilt is not something we'll have to live with, obviously.

All I can really say is to find your peace with your decision. One thing I've learned is that no matter the method, it'll never be painless, physically or emotionally. That being said, people are relentless, and can endure pain very well. I wish you luck, OP

Thank you, greatly.

 

[walkingdead2023]

I think most of us here have the same thoughts and I can't decide for you it's up to you and how much you can handle! Although I love my family and it's not their fault I still want to end my life I don't think I can continue us with this pain but maybe there are methods less traumatizing and possible to look like a natural death or at least I'm hoping for that…

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish there was the option to completely erase our existence so it's like we never existed at all. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find the peace you search for.

 

[Aizwrath]

I wish there was the option to completely erase our existence so it's like we never existed at all. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find the peace you search for.

Truly.