Conflicted. Can I be okay again?

[uienringptr]

I've said before on my introduction post that I am fairly young. My mind has been jumping back and forth between ideas for the past week and I would really like to believe I'll be okay. I have a lot of time to get my shit together but it seems I am stuck at a dead end. I wonder if it will always be like this. I wonder if it's worth it.

I really want to get into inpatient (or at least get some professional help) but I am a college student and classes started this week. I can't leave my house without having a panic attack. I need to get a job and move out of my parents house because I feel SO very trapped and I'm not sure I want to keep going with the things that my parents say to/about me. When I get upset I feel it in my chest. Sometimes it's really bad. Remote job applications don't seem to be valid. Most of them require making phone calls, which I can't do without throwing up from anxiety.

Even when I try to get help, there is a part of me that despises the idea of taking meds. I read too much about them and have fully convinced myself that medications are just a ploy to make money. Emotional dis-regulatory disorders aren't real. I think maybe putting me on SSRIs against my will at 14 fucked me up. I don't know if I'm fucked up forever. It makes me feel stupid.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense. I like to believe I'll get out of this. Maybe the suicidal thoughts are truly just a weird way of "storm and stress" of adolescence that has... lasted past adolescence.

Is it valid that I want to die? Is there a way out?

I had a friend who seemed to be going through the same thing and every time I talk to him about it now he tells me not to talk to him because he is doing better and cannot help me. I feel abandoned and like maybe if this ended it should be over by now.

 

[Foresight]

Every person born has a valid right to contemplate their own death and their relationship with life. I do think you're in an investigative stage and not the burning building category where it's jump or burn with little other options. You have time, and it's the biggest decision you could ever make so I would use that time. You also have the right to not want to get on meds. Modern psychiatry is a mess and I would never return to it personally. Speaking to a counselor may help to look into your social anxiety. You might need to assess your fears and the treatment you've been subjected to from your parents with someone who will listen. I definitely think you need to talk this out with someone. Friends are a bad source of deep support. Go easy on your friend for bailing a bit, there's only so much the kid can do. We're all kind of on our own in determining the deeper aspects of what we're doing here. That can be a personal adventure at times or a curse when we're down.

 

[GentleJerk]

There is no shame in feeling like you are at your wits end, and only you can decide wether that's the case or not.

If you let other poeple decide whether or not your feelings are justifiable, someone will always tell you that you are wrong, or that you don't have good enough reasons to feel this way even though they would need to be in your shoes to really know.

Really, it's about how much weight you can carry before it is too much, and it's wrong for another person to decide that. It's like telling someone who can only lift 50kg that they need to lift 100kg.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

Of course your feelings are valid. It does worry me that it has become so common to give kids pharmaceuticals so freely. These drugs alter the brains of adults. I have heard of adults recovering from it. There are probably ways to detox from it but I don't know how. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. There was a thread about nootropics. Perhaps something in that thread might be helpful.

 

[Sherri]

Of course your feelings are valid. It does worry me that it has become so common to give kids pharmaceuticals so freely. These drugs alter the brains of adults. I have heard of adults recovering from it. There are probably ways to detox from it but I don't know how. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. There was a thread about nootropics. Perhaps something in that thread might be helpful.

Totally agree with you, some doctors make so many "experiments" with younger patients , not knowing the consequences it might have in their future lives, I'm adult and some did the same to me. Like a Guinea pig I used to call it. When I felt they weren't helping I would stop until I got the right help.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Sometimes meds work. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they suck balls.

Sometimes hospitals help. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they suck balls.

Sometimes life gets better. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it sucks balls.

Okay, I hope that made you laugh a little. Made me laugh a little to type it out.

Giving Prozac to a 14 year old is irresponsible at best and bad medicine at worst. I'm sorry someone did that to you. I have a great cocktail of meds that works for me. We didn't get it on the first try, but now I've been stable for a while. You may want to try again - there are lots of new drugs in the last few years if you are in the US and have insurance. If you can help it, don't go back to the last guy.

I can't tell you that your life will get better because that's the kind of blanket statement that doesn't help and isn't true. Life has ups and downs for everyone and the downs might keep on for a while. I can tell you that I am happier now than I have been at many times in my life. I have a husband who adores me and takes great care of me. I live in a tropical climate where we bitched because it was in the high 40s (Fahrenheit) today. Life did get much better after being quite a bit worse for a while.

I've been in day programs and inpatient programs and had more therapists than I can count. Some were fabulous and others sucked... Well, you get the idea.

I'm of the mind that if you're considering getting some help, you might as well. You really have nothing to lose if you're thinking about ctb.

It will always be an option if you choose, but why not give help a chance? You never know. Things might just get better.

P.S. Your school should excuse you if you want to try a full-time program, but you don't seem critical enough for an inpatient stay based on what you've posted here. Your school should have counselors available so if you want to try there first, you can bypass your parents that way or you can talk to them about getting private help.