Conflict

[Foresight]

I'm literally spineless. If even an ounce of friction comes up in an interaction I get shaken. If it's a big conflict I'm crippled with anxiety symptoms. How do you handle conflict? Is it something that comes easily to you or do you struggle?

I don't know if I'm suppose to work on my self esteem, avoid it like the plague, or neutralize myself and just stop any strong feelings in life like a Buddhist monk. I feel like neutralizing would be the best option but I'll probably just continue to avoid because that's my #1 talent.

 

[motel rooms]

I don't shy away from it. Ain't nobody gonna shit on me no more.

 

[Eternally Dottie]

I'm literally spineless. If even an ounce of friction comes up in an interaction I get shaken. If it's a big conflict I'm crippled with anxiety symptoms. How do you handle conflict? Is it something that comes easily to you or do you struggle?

I don't know if I'm suppose to work on my self esteem, avoid it like the plague, or neutralize myself and just stop any strong feelings in life like a Buddhist monk. I feel like neutralizing would be the best option but I'll probably just continue to avoid because that's my #1 talent.

I think it's just the personality type of some people. You can work on it and try to be a bit more assertive but if that's how you are then avoidance is probably what you will default to generally. I can be like this when it comes to work situations and I hate myself for it. I can really compromise myself by agreeing with stronger characters or sitting on the fence when what I really want to say is 'fuck you I don't agree with that'. Some people are the opposite though and seem to thrive on conflict; changing their opinions like the wind to just take the opposing point of view. I think that is much worse. Don't be too hard on yourself there are far more negative characteristics to have and you are probably your worst critic

 

[Deleted member 8975]

How do I handle conflict?

Head first through the door taking as much self inflicted and externally inflicted damage as possible.

 

[LastFlowers]

I think it's just the personality type of some people. You can work on it and try to be a bit more assertive but if that's how you are then avoidance is probably what you will default to generally. I can be like this when it comes to work situations and I hate myself for it. I can really compromise myself by agreeing with stronger characters or sitting on the fence when what I really want to say is 'fuck you I don't agree with that'. Some people are the opposite though and seem to thrive on conflict; changing their opinions like the wind to just take the opposing point of view. I think that is much worse. Don't be too hard on yourself there are far more negative characteristics to have and you are probably your worst critic

I don't know that it's an inherent personality type.
In my own experience, my true personality has to be caged and confined or else I will have an overabundance of hell to pay for "being me", people do not take kindly to those who look a certain way (or who possess a certain devalued stock in life) asserting themselves, I am consistently expected to "stay in my lane", no matter how right I am in what I am dying to say.

So what I put forth as my persona in real world spaces which are not anonymous, is pretty much a false face (as much as I hate being "fake"), a defense against anyone taking further advantage of my vulnerability via picking apart any noise or movement that slights them.
This was learned, not born.
I've been taught by most people that I am not allowed to be a person.
I have tried, and it only meant more trauma.
Eventually one gives up to save themselves even a modicum more of pain.
I feel like a mad animal chomping at the bit to be released, it's infuriating and suffocating, and ultimately damaging, but the other option would be more so.

This, and my general situation of prolonged and compounded suffering, has led to an advanced form of compartmentalization which I don't believe is very healthy at all, but I have no choice really.

 

[Eternally Dottie]

I don't know that it's an inherent personality type.
In my own experience, my true personality has to be caged and confined or else I will have an overabundance of hell to pay for "being me", people do not take kindly to those who look a certain way (or who possess a certain devalued stock in life) asserting themselves, I am consistently expected to "stay in my lane", no matter how right I am in what I am dying to say.

So what I put forth as my persona in real world spaces which are not anonymous, is pretty much a false face (as much as I hate being "fake"), a defense against anyone taking further advantage of my vulnerability via picking apart any noise or movement that slights them.
This was learned, not born.
I've been taught by most people that I am not allowed to be a person.
I have tried, and it only meant more trauma.
Eventually one gives up to save themselves even a modicum more of pain.
I feel like a mad animal chomping at the bit to be released, it's infuriating and suffocating, and ultimately damaging, but the other option would be more so.

This, and my general situation of prolonged and compounded suffering, has led to an advanced form of compartmentalization which I don't believe is very healthy at all, but I have no choice really.

@LastFlowers I'm so sorry you can't express your true personality in life. I hope you can here. I would never judge you. I hope you feel you can be yourself on this site

 

[demuic]

I think it is the result of life experiences also. Seeing too much conflict at a young age or being highly criticized or having your faults or mistakes always lead to consequences. So it becomes a conditioned response or defense mechanism, to want to avoid that due to the negative associations. It can cause you to get into that stage of heart pounding fight or flight even if it is not proportionate to the matter at hand, like an automatic response.

I think it is up to you how you want to deal with it. If you feel like it has a negative effect on your life or you want to overcome it then this is one of those things you have to try to work through. That is not to say you should seek out conflicts but if one comes up, allow yourself to feel the emotions and maybe it won't feel as bad over time. Like fighting to overcome that conditioning. Of course, it is easier said than done. Sometimes it's more trouble than it's worth to go against the grain in a conflict so it depends on the situation and environment too.

I think this issue is referred to as assertiveness, so you could look up ways to be more assertive. I understand what you're going through and wish you the best.

 

[Foresight]

I think it is the result of life experiences also. Seeing too much conflict at a young age or being highly criticized or having your faults or mistakes always lead to consequences. So it becomes a conditioned response or defense mechanism, to want to avoid that due to the negative associations. It can cause you to get into that stage of heart pounding fight or flight even if it is not proportionate to the matter at hand, like an automatic response.

I think it is up to you how you want to deal with it. If you feel like it has a negative effect on your life or you want to overcome it then this is one of those things you have to try to work through. That is not to say you should seek out conflicts but if one comes up, allow yourself to feel the emotions and maybe it won't feel as bad over time. Like fighting to overcome that conditioning. Of course, it is easier said than done. Sometimes it's more trouble than it's worth to go against the grain in a conflict so it depends on the situation and environment too.

I think this issue is referred to as assertiveness, so you could look up ways to be more assertive. I understand what you're going through and wish you the best.

This is so helpful. I definitely resonate with this cause and effect. I'll look into proper ways to improve assertiveness. I've faced a lot of adversary for my appearance and childhood abuse from my father so I think that's why I became a turtle tucked away in my shell. I was actually a really brave and assertive child. The world broke me.

Someone could probably just take my car at this rate. They could just walk up and be like actually that's my car and I'd probably apologize and give them my keys. It's just sad

 

[LastFlowers]

@LastFlowers I'm so sorry you can't express your true personality in life. I hope you can here. I would never judge you. I hope you feel you can be yourself on this site

Thank you so much, that is so sweet of you, and yes I absolutely feel so much more at home here and although I may get into a few arguments from time to time, at least I feel free enough on this forum to get into them at all lol-to speak my mind.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

I think it's easier to fight with people you know and are comfortable being around. Conflict avoidance with strangers is perfectly natural because expending the energy to quarrel with people you likely won't meet again or meet very seldom is a waste. For me especially I defer to others at work to a pretty unnatural degree, so much so that I know I can irritate my co-workers with my inability to say "no" to customers. I don't know if it's the same kind of symptoms you describe but I think disappointing other people can be painful.

As far as public interactions with strangers, I like that phrase "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down." As I see it most of the day-to-day for everyone is unwanted but necessary for survival so as long as someone isn't trying to rob or murder me then I think letting people believe what they want is fine. Be polite, don't rock the boat, etc. I will save the fighting for people whom I care to know.

 

[summers]

I have found there are very few people or situations worth the effort. I'm all for "do what you want, but I'm out."

 

[ColorlessTrees]

First, I'm sorry that your life circumstances have influenced this so heavily. There's nothing wrong with avoidance, though. It'll save you a lot of energy in the long run if you just tune it out and try to forget about it.

I think it's a mix of innate personality and life experiences. I understand this post too well, as I'm so damn meek no one can even hear me. (I don't try to speak quiet, and I don't feel like I do.) On the inside, I get so impassioned and frustrated, especially about mistreatment of others, but I can't speak out or do a thing about it. I'm really blunt and even extroverted on the inside, but that dissolves to quiet pushover when I'm in a group of people, especially a "formal" setting, like a classroom.

I would say there's nothing wrong with being avoidant in most petty situations, but it's a good skill to have in your back pocket. Nonetheless, it's difficult to learn or relearn, especially if it's been beaten out of you. Pick your battles.

Best of luck.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I can't deal with conflicts. I've been hypersensitive all my life and conflicts have always caused me tremendous stress. Now I hardly have any social interaction so I seldom find myself at odds with other people.

When some small conflict does arise, I simply avoid it altogether. I let the other party "win". I don't have the energy to engage.

Being able to deal with conflicts and stressful situations is a great skill to have in life. I think I was born deficient in that area.