I am a pedophile (Non-offending) i like adults too but having an attraction to minors is very difficult and has played a part in why i stopped going outside.
You made me remember something............
Although I'm not a pedophile, I've had a very high libido...
Having a libido has seriously affected my life and I consider it one of the reasons why I've wanted to stay away from society and why I've had the desire to leave this world.
Since I was 9 years old I've been exposed to all kinds of sexual content starting with TV and going to the internet.
In addition to this, I've developed an addiction to masturbation so unhealthy that I've tried to find any way to get pleasure.
My brain and my body are two things that my conscience cannot control. While my conscience is attracted to women, my body and brain will seek anything for pleasure, regardless of whether it's male, transgender or something else.
Over time I've developed paraphilias.
Sometimes I've thought if I'm a masochist, because I've had fantasies of being kidnapped, tortured and raped. I've also had fantasies of being suffocated.
I remember that during my adolescence, I always felt guilt and shame when I masturbated, because I thought people knew I was a pornography addict.
For years I've wanted to get rid of this damn obsession, but any damn place I go, there has to be something to tempt me.
Where I live, no matter where I go, everywhere I go, there will be something that has to do with sex: the music, the ads, the trends....
How I hate it when anywhere they put this kind of stuff, even on the internet I can't get rid of this content.
I hate when always the thumbnails of videos on TikTok, Youtube or other social network always have to sexualize people, no matter if they are male or female.
The worst thing about this is that then people start saying that thinking about sex is normal.
Is it normal to think about everything I have said?
Since I've been to the psychiatrist, I've started taking medication supposedly to treat my depression and ADHD. Among them I take Sertraline.
While it hasn't helped me with my depression, it has helped me quite a bit in reducing my libido, as it makes me suffer from ED and I hardly think about things that cause me temptation. However, I don't think it's enough and I really want something that will eliminate my libido completely. I've sometimes thought about castration, but I doubt if it would be helpful.
I've thought about discussing this with my family, my therapist and my psychiatrist, but I'm so embarrassed because I feel like I'm a sexual deviant rather than someone who really needs help...
On the other hand, I have another confession.
I feel that I've developed more homicidal thoughts than suicidal thoughts.
When I was 16, I started to develop this depression that I currently have, but I started to doubt if CTB was a fair thing to do, since I would basically stop suffering for what people did to me. But from here I wondered:
Why do I think about leaving this world because people make me suffer, when I can take revenge and make them suffer?
I remember during this time and the pandemic, I had an obsession with videos related to serial killers and school shooters.
In those days I fantasized about doing a school shooting at my high school, but it was impossible to do, since I don't live in the United States and in my country it is practically impossible to get guns legally.
Because of my impulsiveness and homicidal thoughts, my dumb brother started calling me "Ted Bundy", as we both had the same birthday (November 24) and we both had an addiction to pornography.
My homicidal thoughts have been more directed at young people (12-25 years old), as it has been the group that has made me suffer the most for being excluded and ignored. However, my thoughts have been stronger on those responsible for my suffering than innocent people.
After finishing high school, those thoughts disappeared and in college I tried to see things with optimism, but in the end everything was the same and I felt excluded again, which is why I dropped out of college. However, I went from having homicidal thoughts to simply being a misanthrope.
I hate having these thoughts.
I think by getting this off my chest, I've been able to understand the main reason why I've been thinking about CTB.
It wasn't school.
It wasn't the friends.
It wasn't my loneliness.
It wasn't society.
It wasn't the pandemic.
It wasn't the meaning of life.
It wasn't my ADHD.
The reason why I am thinking CTB is simply because my brain has been tormenting me with these thoughts. My brain is responsible for feeling this sexual addiction and for feeling hatred for everything.
That's why I've always wanted to distract myself, because no matter how much I go to therapy or take medication, my thoughts will still be like this. However, nowadays things stop giving me pleasure.
I no longer get pleasure from playing video games, I no longer get pleasure from watching anime, I no longer get pleasure from learning new things.
The only thing that gives me pleasure is music. But since I live in a place where music is played on the street, I always have to suffer listening to music from random people. People who only listen to music that talks about women, sex and drugs. Music that fuels my hatred and my desire to leave this world. I can't avoid society.
How I wish I could go back to being a Hikikomori instead of a NEET, I never want to leave my house again. My house is the only place where I can shelter myself from this hell.
Sometimes thinking about this makes me cry....
Surely if I said this on another social network, people would say I am mentally ill and should be in a dungeon...
I just want to go back to the past, when I was a kid who only thought about having fun and most of all,
being happy.....
My brain has totally wiped out my true happiness...
