Venting Complicated feelings with suicide idealization

[Fish_Princess]

Ive been coming to scroll and read posts on here a lot lately, and i dont know where exactly to make this post but i just need to get it out i think.

I feel like theres no need to reach out for help because while I know different methods, its not like i know how to obtain SN or N or have a plan. If anything i really dont have a step by step for CTB. And its the same with SH. I stopped cutting myself when I was younger, and the urge has also come and went but I haven't because I know it would just cause more problems for me. Make me more depressed to the point people in my life will realize.

but every night i just feel so overwhelmed and stressed and I want to cry but i cant. Im not getting my feelings out wether its a healthy or unhealthy way of doing it.

And I dont really have a good reason to CTB. Or to be thinking of it but i think no matter what stage of life im at ill always think of it. Because at the end of the day I just go back to how i felt as a kid neglected and alone in my room not knowing what to do with myself or how to live. I just think itd be easier to be dead. To not have to worry about anything or matter to any one else. But Ive grown out of having idealized suicide thoughts so having them again just feels complicated, because i feel like im not depressed enough because im still floating through my days fine. Because after growing up feeling so alone and without any encouragement suddenly im expected to just completely function in the world and do good is eating away at me.

 

[uncat_]

i relate to this so much.

I just think itd be easier to be dead. To not have to worry about anything or matter to any one else.

sometimes thats all your "reasoning" for your suicidality has to be.

but, recently ive been getting slightly back into ways to release my emotion, even if i don't understand what they are yet. self destructive behavior and journaling has helped me get back in touch with my emotions. which isnt fully a good or bad thing.

id recommend posting on here more, or just writing and journaling in general. the more i find myself staring blankly at a screen, just typing whatever words pop into my head, the more i understand whats happening inside of myself. it might help you too.

 

[Fish_Princess]

i relate to this so much.

sometimes thats all your "reasoning" for your suicidality has to be.

but, recently ive been getting slightly back into ways to release my emotion, even if i don't understand what they are yet. self destructive behavior and journaling has helped me get back in touch with my emotions. which isnt fully a good or bad thing.

id recommend posting on here more, or just writing and journaling in general. the more i find myself staring blankly at a screen, just typing whatever words pop into my head, the more i understand whats happening inside of myself. it might help you too.

Thank you for this reply, i think its just a lot of denial im having feeling this way. Because to the people in my life i feel like they would just label it as laziness or ungratefulness. But im so self aware of my negative thoughts.

I think posting and writing it out would help. The problem is I just blankly stare not at the screen but just wondering if I even have anything to write or if it will be blank and I start to overthink that instead of just starting to try and get it out.

Thank you tho :)

 

[uncat_]

Thank you for this reply, i think its just a lot of denial im having feeling this way. Because to the people in my life i feel like they would just label it as laziness or ungratefulness. But im so self aware of my negative thoughts.

I think posting and writing it out would help. The problem is I just blankly stare not at the screen but just wondering if I even have anything to write or if it will be blank and I start to overthink that instead of just starting to try and get it out.

Thank you tho :)

yeah, its always the starting-to-write part that is the hardest. i find that kust letting yourself write gibberish, or start writing about random things in your environment.
i struggled with starting too, i still do lol

 

[Fish_Princess]

yeah, its always the starting-to-write part that is the hardest. i find that kust letting yourself write gibberish, or start writing about random things in your environment.
i struggled with starting too, i still do lol

Hopefully its something we both overcome Lol

 

[hysterical&useless]

Thank you for this reply, i think its just a lot of denial im having feeling this way. Because to the people in my life i feel like they would just label it as laziness or ungratefulness. But im so self aware of my negative thoughts.

I think posting and writing it out would help. The problem is I just blankly stare not at the screen but just wondering if I even have anything to write or if it will be blank and I start to overthink that instead of just starting to try and get it out.

Thank you tho :)

your story is very relatable to me. sometimes ctb just feels like the easier option. i often feel guilty for thinking that way because of what the people in my life think. the self awareness is painful.

spacing out in class while thinking about it, or in bed at 2am.

maybe instead of writing your thoughts, you could try thinking about why you are having them? that may be easier to put into words (at least it is for me). learning to manage each 'why' will be difficult though, but maybe its worth it.

im not exactly mr perfect mental health, but this is just my two cents - i should also mention that i haven't tried this approach. tho i guess it's always good to consider different perspectives. all the best for your future, i hope i have helped (or at least made your day a little better)

thank you for reaching out ◡̈