Help Compelled to SH

[timetodie24]

So it happened for a 2nd time.
SH isn't new to me, doing it for a decade but generally a conscious way of coping for me. Yet tonight I was compelled to carve words on my skin. Just had urge to and started doing it without thinking as the words came into my head but I didn't know what phrase would be until finished. Not forced as I had to get blade myself, I was in control whilst doing it. But it didn't feel like l my decision and no idea why I did it. I think it's the same forces/people who have been using mind control on me.But I don't understand why or how they're making me cut these messages.
Tonight it was 'take her down' and 'keep her home' . That literally means nothing to me but must have some meaning to them. Maybe a warning ?!?

Anyone ever had similar ? So confused . Don't think I was dissociated but I wasn't fully me .

(Sorry guess this is kind of offtopic but still heavy and is related to forces making me ctb so thought suicide discussion)

 

[ferrie]

So it happened for a 2nd time.
SH isn't new to me, doing it for a decade but generally a conscious way of coping for me. Yet tonight I was compelled to carve words on my skin. Just had urge to and started doing it without thinking as the words came into my head but I didn't know what phrase would be until finished. Not forced as I had to get blade myself, I was in control whilst doing it. But it didn't feel like l my decision and no idea why I did it. I think it's the same forces/people who have been using mind control on me.But I don't understand why or how they're making me cut these messages.
Tonight it was 'take her down' and 'keep her home' . That literally means nothing to me but must have some meaning to them. Maybe a warning ?!?

Anyone ever had similar ? So confused . Don't think I was dissociated but I wasn't fully me .

(Sorry guess this is kind of offtopic but still heavy and is related to forces making me ctb so thought suicide discussion)

Can you describe how you feel during these compulsions more? This sounds more like depersonalization/derealization than disassociation to me. I've experienced similar when carrying out acts that I knew would harm me. The most similar example I can think of is when I overdosed on sertraline & hydroxyzine. I knew logically that I was in control of my body carrying out the steps to do this, but it felt almost as if my mind wasn't actually attached to what was going on. I could physically stop if I wanted to, but mentally the compulsion was carrying everything through rather than my own active thought process. It felt like my brain wasn't actually mine if that makes sense, or as if my brain & body were separate entities. I don't know if any of that rings true to what you experienced

 

[timetodie24]

Can you describe how you feel during these compulsions more? This sounds more like depersonalization/derealization than disassociation to me. I've experienced similar when carrying out acts that I knew would harm me. The most similar example I can think of is when I overdosed on sertraline & hydroxyzine. I knew logically that I was in control of my body carrying out the steps to do this, but it felt almost as if my mind wasn't actually attached to what was going on. I could physically stop if I wanted to, but mentally the compulsion was carrying everything through rather than my own active thought process. It felt like my brain wasn't actually mine if that makes sense, or as if my brain & body were separate entities. I don't know if any of that rings true to what you experienced

Not sure how I feel at time, don't feel much, focused on what I'm doing. Some of that does sound similar and does make sense actually . As it's like I'm mentally detached from my actions. Like i'm just going through the motions but my brain, or at least part of it is separate to what I'm doing

 

[ferrie]

Not sure how I feel at time, don't feel much, focused on what I'm doing. Some of that does sound similar and does make sense actually . As it's like I'm mentally detached from my actions. Like i'm just going through the motions but my brain, or at least part of it is separate to what I'm doing

That really does sound like DPDR to me! Even not feeling much & focusing in what you're doing sounds very similar to depersonalization. I think that is likely part of what you're dealing with. When I get in that state, I have little to no emotions. Sometimes in the back of my head I'll know that normally what I'm doing would terrify me or cause me anxiety, but I feel none of that in the moment. I would describe it as a glass wall between my body & my emotions. Does it feel almost artificial or robotic?

 

[Ash]

I've cut whilst in a disassociative state before and it sounds quite similar to what you described. I think of it as being in a bubble or an ice cube, seeing but separated from the rest of the world. I sometimes have conversations with people from the past as though we've all been transported back and are watching it Halloween all over again, rather than experiencing the events for the first time if that makes sense?

 

[timetodie24]

That really does sound like DPDR to me! Even not feeling much & focusing in what you're doing sounds very similar to depersonalization. I think that is likely part of what you're dealing with. When I get in that state, I have little to no emotions. Sometimes in the back of my head I'll know that normally what I'm doing would terrify me or cause me anxiety, but I feel none of that in the moment. I would describe it as a glass wall between my body & my emotions. Does it feel almost artificial or robotic?

I've cut whilst in a disassociative state before and it sounds quite similar to what you described. I think of it as being in a bubble or an ice cube, seeing but separated from the rest of the world. I sometimes have conversations with people from the past as though we've all been transported back and are watching it Halloween all over again, rather than experiencing the events for the first time if that makes sense?

Sorry you can both relate to some extent. It is a really unsettling experience .

I'm not sure about artificial/robotic/bubble. Feels a bit like a dream looking back now but idk at time.

 

[ferrie]

Sorry you can both relate to some extent. It is a really unsettling experience .

I'm not sure about artificial/robotic/bubble. Feels a bit like a dream looking back now but idk at time.

What I mean by artificial is that looking back at it feels like an unnatural sort of calm or lack of emotion, like it was someone else wearing my body. I would call it dreamlike in hindsight too. I don't feel anything in that state myself, but it's unsettling to remember